Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Craigslist Missed Connections Demystified!
Anyone who knows me knows that Craigslist missed connections are one of my favorite things in the world. For the uninitiated among my readers, Craigslist is a website where people post brief ads offering everything from gently used maternity clothing to meth-fueled gangbangs. Many of Craigslist's categories are magical (the "rants and raves" come to mind), but there is none better than missed connections, in which people leave messages for total strangers who looked at them funny on the train once and therefore are obviously deeply in love with them. I'm not sure what percentage of these postings result in 65-year marriages, but I'm guessing it's pretty close to a hundred. You have to leave room for the margin of error.
Missed connections all tend to draw from the same well of phrases, which are in need of a bit of translating. For instance, "you have beautiful eyes" means "I want to fuck you," as does "I commented on your coat," "you were reading The Da Vinci Code," or "you are a Dominican nun." The phrase "I've never posted on here before" means "I post here several times a day and do not ever intend ever to stop." The phrase "you probably won't see this, but..." means "I enjoy wasting my time." In contrast, the phrase "write back if you see this" means "I think you're too stupid to understand how the Internet works." The phrase "saw you on the train" means "I'm trying to keep this vague enough that it can apply to anyone in the universe." Oh, and the phrase "I'd love to get together sometime" means "I want to fuck you." Got it?
Unfortunately, despite my years of careful study of the missed connections, I have yet to receive one. I've got to start randomly staring at more strangers, I guess.
Anyone who knows me knows that Craigslist missed connections are one of my favorite things in the world. For the uninitiated among my readers, Craigslist is a website where people post brief ads offering everything from gently used maternity clothing to meth-fueled gangbangs. Many of Craigslist's categories are magical (the "rants and raves" come to mind), but there is none better than missed connections, in which people leave messages for total strangers who looked at them funny on the train once and therefore are obviously deeply in love with them. I'm not sure what percentage of these postings result in 65-year marriages, but I'm guessing it's pretty close to a hundred. You have to leave room for the margin of error.
Missed connections all tend to draw from the same well of phrases, which are in need of a bit of translating. For instance, "you have beautiful eyes" means "I want to fuck you," as does "I commented on your coat," "you were reading The Da Vinci Code," or "you are a Dominican nun." The phrase "I've never posted on here before" means "I post here several times a day and do not ever intend ever to stop." The phrase "you probably won't see this, but..." means "I enjoy wasting my time." In contrast, the phrase "write back if you see this" means "I think you're too stupid to understand how the Internet works." The phrase "saw you on the train" means "I'm trying to keep this vague enough that it can apply to anyone in the universe." Oh, and the phrase "I'd love to get together sometime" means "I want to fuck you." Got it?
Unfortunately, despite my years of careful study of the missed connections, I have yet to receive one. I've got to start randomly staring at more strangers, I guess.
