Saturday, February 17, 2007
The World of Romance
I fear I have been unforgivably remiss in not devoting some space to what is undoubtedly the greatest cultural achievement in this nation's history, VH1's I Love New York. I mean, without care and attention from all of us, I fear there's a possibility that New York might not actually find true love by appearing on this television program, which would be tragic and likely a first in the history of reality tv. Besides, how could I not discuss T-Weed's fantastical falsifications of millions of dollars of wealth? Have I no sense of decency? Where was I when Romance snuck off to a secretive corner and sobbed into New York's Chihuahua for twenty minutes? Have I no heart? I suppose all I can really do is vow to do better from this moment on.
To that end, I'm going to handicap some of New York's remaining suitors. To begin with, 12 Pack. Despite Sister Patterson's assertion that he has a "touch of the secret gay" to him, I believe he is not only straight but also probably married to several different women throughout the great state of New Jersey. Which could really only serve to increase his appeal to New York. Second, Mr. Boston, whose own choice for a nickname, "stud," was summarily rejected. His charm seems to consist mainly of being utterly impervious to any sort of rejection, although he at times seems to be channeling Gilbert Gottfried. Ultimately, I believe he'll prove too employable for New York. I think the front runner really has to be Chance, who, by alienating Sister Patterson right from the beginning and emulating Flavor Flav on the "offbeat appearance" and "whimsical malapropism" fronts, has really set himself apart. Somehow I smell spinoff.
I fear I have been unforgivably remiss in not devoting some space to what is undoubtedly the greatest cultural achievement in this nation's history, VH1's I Love New York. I mean, without care and attention from all of us, I fear there's a possibility that New York might not actually find true love by appearing on this television program, which would be tragic and likely a first in the history of reality tv. Besides, how could I not discuss T-Weed's fantastical falsifications of millions of dollars of wealth? Have I no sense of decency? Where was I when Romance snuck off to a secretive corner and sobbed into New York's Chihuahua for twenty minutes? Have I no heart? I suppose all I can really do is vow to do better from this moment on.
To that end, I'm going to handicap some of New York's remaining suitors. To begin with, 12 Pack. Despite Sister Patterson's assertion that he has a "touch of the secret gay" to him, I believe he is not only straight but also probably married to several different women throughout the great state of New Jersey. Which could really only serve to increase his appeal to New York. Second, Mr. Boston, whose own choice for a nickname, "stud," was summarily rejected. His charm seems to consist mainly of being utterly impervious to any sort of rejection, although he at times seems to be channeling Gilbert Gottfried. Ultimately, I believe he'll prove too employable for New York. I think the front runner really has to be Chance, who, by alienating Sister Patterson right from the beginning and emulating Flavor Flav on the "offbeat appearance" and "whimsical malapropism" fronts, has really set himself apart. Somehow I smell spinoff.
