Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Web MD
This morning while I was enjoying some Fruity Pebbles in my kitchen I stepped on something small and sharp, and it somehow became embedded in my foot. Having been raised by a crazy woman, I immediately remembered what my mother told me about the person who stepped on a stick pin and had it sucked up into his bloodstream where it fatally punctured his heart. Since I am neither a dressmaker nor a sadist, I was pretty sure I didn't have any stick pins around to step on, but I still thought I should do some research on my condition. This is where the fun began. Apparently, Yahoo! has a function where people can ask questions about their medical maladies and get advice from utterly unqualified morons on the Internet. For my situation, the top advice included "put bacon on the wound," "hang upside down with an extra pair of socks on," and "give yourself a tetanus objection [sic]." Needless to say, I was hooked.
Given my innate and unnatural desire to help people, I've decided to compile some of my own homespun wisdom for dealing with medical conditions:
Blood Blister -- Anoint yourself with oil and pray to the Lord for forgiveness.
Cancer -- Some fresh air should do the trick!
Acne -- Move to a fundamentalist Muslim state where seven veils can hide your shame.
Rabies -- Apply ice to your testicles. It can't hurt, and it might help.
Elephantitis -- Stop being so god damned big!
AIDS -- Switch to an all bran diet. Then rub kerosene on your elbows.
Tuberculosis -- Try drinking upside down from a glass of water.
Pleurisy -- Find the witch who put the hex on you and have her burned at the stake.
Rickets -- Move out of Alabama.
Scurvy -- Masturbate to images of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Corns -- Saw off your feet with a table knife.
I think it's safe to say we've changed a lot of lives today.
This morning while I was enjoying some Fruity Pebbles in my kitchen I stepped on something small and sharp, and it somehow became embedded in my foot. Having been raised by a crazy woman, I immediately remembered what my mother told me about the person who stepped on a stick pin and had it sucked up into his bloodstream where it fatally punctured his heart. Since I am neither a dressmaker nor a sadist, I was pretty sure I didn't have any stick pins around to step on, but I still thought I should do some research on my condition. This is where the fun began. Apparently, Yahoo! has a function where people can ask questions about their medical maladies and get advice from utterly unqualified morons on the Internet. For my situation, the top advice included "put bacon on the wound," "hang upside down with an extra pair of socks on," and "give yourself a tetanus objection [sic]." Needless to say, I was hooked.
Given my innate and unnatural desire to help people, I've decided to compile some of my own homespun wisdom for dealing with medical conditions:
Blood Blister -- Anoint yourself with oil and pray to the Lord for forgiveness.
Cancer -- Some fresh air should do the trick!
Acne -- Move to a fundamentalist Muslim state where seven veils can hide your shame.
Rabies -- Apply ice to your testicles. It can't hurt, and it might help.
Elephantitis -- Stop being so god damned big!
AIDS -- Switch to an all bran diet. Then rub kerosene on your elbows.
Tuberculosis -- Try drinking upside down from a glass of water.
Pleurisy -- Find the witch who put the hex on you and have her burned at the stake.
Rickets -- Move out of Alabama.
Scurvy -- Masturbate to images of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Corns -- Saw off your feet with a table knife.
I think it's safe to say we've changed a lot of lives today.
