Saturday, February 23, 2008
Screenwriting 101
I was cleaning out some of the extraneous papers in my room, as I do roughly every couple of years or whenever I move, and I came across some screenplay pitches people in my screenwriting class a few years ago came up with. Now, that class was highly traumatic for me at the time -- mainly because I was forced to do a treatment for Two and a Half Men -- but now I can see the humor in it. Namely the fact that 47-year-old Amway salespeople and functionally illiterate college dropouts were baring their souls through poorly-conceived (and wretchedly spelled) story ideas. And in additional to the invaluable character study these pitches provide, they also have the hilarious benefit of bearing no resemblance to anything that could ever appear on the silver screen. To wit:
One of the pitches deals with a robot ghost. How a robot becomes a ghost (or a ghost becomes a robot, perhaps?) is never explained. Nor is any of this intended ironically. There is an important social message about racial acceptance. (And again, who knew that robots have races?)
Another is a clearly autobiographical piece about a middle-aged housewife who suddenly becomes a movie star. Right, because that happens all the time. Wasn't Julia Roberts PTA president before she became America's favorite prostitute with a heart of gold? This one also had suggested casting -- apparently there's a love interest role with Dr. McDreamy's name on it!
Then there are the ones that contain bizarre sex stuff. Random fourgies, indiscriminate Medieval humping, you name it. Clearly intended for the Disney audience.
But my favorite has to be the story of a priest who develops magical powers and starts working for the CIA. He has a special assignment to bring down Saddam Hussein (remember, this was a few years ago), which is almost derailed by a series of hilarious mishaps (pratfalls, anyone?). In a shocking twist, everything works out in the end. God bless the USA!
I was cleaning out some of the extraneous papers in my room, as I do roughly every couple of years or whenever I move, and I came across some screenplay pitches people in my screenwriting class a few years ago came up with. Now, that class was highly traumatic for me at the time -- mainly because I was forced to do a treatment for Two and a Half Men -- but now I can see the humor in it. Namely the fact that 47-year-old Amway salespeople and functionally illiterate college dropouts were baring their souls through poorly-conceived (and wretchedly spelled) story ideas. And in additional to the invaluable character study these pitches provide, they also have the hilarious benefit of bearing no resemblance to anything that could ever appear on the silver screen. To wit:
One of the pitches deals with a robot ghost. How a robot becomes a ghost (or a ghost becomes a robot, perhaps?) is never explained. Nor is any of this intended ironically. There is an important social message about racial acceptance. (And again, who knew that robots have races?)
Another is a clearly autobiographical piece about a middle-aged housewife who suddenly becomes a movie star. Right, because that happens all the time. Wasn't Julia Roberts PTA president before she became America's favorite prostitute with a heart of gold? This one also had suggested casting -- apparently there's a love interest role with Dr. McDreamy's name on it!
Then there are the ones that contain bizarre sex stuff. Random fourgies, indiscriminate Medieval humping, you name it. Clearly intended for the Disney audience.
But my favorite has to be the story of a priest who develops magical powers and starts working for the CIA. He has a special assignment to bring down Saddam Hussein (remember, this was a few years ago), which is almost derailed by a series of hilarious mishaps (pratfalls, anyone?). In a shocking twist, everything works out in the end. God bless the USA!
