Tuesday, May 13, 2008
My Actual Hills Research from Monday Night
As I may have mentioned, each Monday I watch The Hills with a coalition of the willing. As we watch we come up with vital research questions that one of us must answer using the finest Internet sources available. For your greater edification, I reproduce below some choice excerpts from the many fine answers I gathered this week:
1. How old is Brent Bolthouse?
According to Brent’s Myspace profile, he is 38. Also, he is Caucasian, does not smoke or drink, and makes over $250,000 a year. He asks God for the serenity he needs to accept those things he cannot change, the courage to change those things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. What will Heidi’s job duties be in Las Vegas?
According to a Bolthouse job listing at theladders.com, a marketing professional at Bolthouse is expected to develop marketing plans and timelines for new venues, manage the day-to-day execution of plans, help in brainstorming new initiatives, and compile and update targeted mailing lists of influencers. Of course, it also requires 8-10 years of experience in the industry.
3. Alkaline Trio discography and membership.
Formed by ex-Jerkwater and Traitors drummer Matt Skiba (vocals/guitar), Glenn Porter (drums/vocals) — formerly of 88 Fingers Louie — and Rob Doran (bass/vocals), Alkaline Trio was brought together in 1997 by heartbreak, angst, and the companionship of drinking. Their albums are: 1998’s Goddamnit, 2000’s Maybe I’ll Catch Fire, 2001’s From Here to Infirmary, 2003’s Good Mourning, 2005’s Crimson, and 2008’s Agony and Irony.
4. Is there a soul behind Kimberly’s eyes?
No. As imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com, points out. Kimberly’s “cubicle” is utterly empty and it’s not even clear that she actually works at Bolthouse. She frequently squints while talking, making it appear that she must read cue cards to express even the most basic emotions. She is clearly a robot.
5. Who is Sam? Is he hot?
A search of Brent Bolthouse’s Myspace friends revealed a “Sam” who is 30 years old and lives in New York. He does not appear to be hot.
6. Is breakup leave part of the Bolthouse benefits package?
According to its website, Bolthouse offers full vacation and medical/personal leave. It is unclear whether traveling to Colorado to get “some space” from Spencer is included under personal leave.
As I may have mentioned, each Monday I watch The Hills with a coalition of the willing. As we watch we come up with vital research questions that one of us must answer using the finest Internet sources available. For your greater edification, I reproduce below some choice excerpts from the many fine answers I gathered this week:
1. How old is Brent Bolthouse?
According to Brent’s Myspace profile, he is 38. Also, he is Caucasian, does not smoke or drink, and makes over $250,000 a year. He asks God for the serenity he needs to accept those things he cannot change, the courage to change those things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. What will Heidi’s job duties be in Las Vegas?
According to a Bolthouse job listing at theladders.com, a marketing professional at Bolthouse is expected to develop marketing plans and timelines for new venues, manage the day-to-day execution of plans, help in brainstorming new initiatives, and compile and update targeted mailing lists of influencers. Of course, it also requires 8-10 years of experience in the industry.
3. Alkaline Trio discography and membership.
Formed by ex-Jerkwater and Traitors drummer Matt Skiba (vocals/guitar), Glenn Porter (drums/vocals) — formerly of 88 Fingers Louie — and Rob Doran (bass/vocals), Alkaline Trio was brought together in 1997 by heartbreak, angst, and the companionship of drinking. Their albums are: 1998’s Goddamnit, 2000’s Maybe I’ll Catch Fire, 2001’s From Here to Infirmary, 2003’s Good Mourning, 2005’s Crimson, and 2008’s Agony and Irony.
4. Is there a soul behind Kimberly’s eyes?
No. As imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com, points out. Kimberly’s “cubicle” is utterly empty and it’s not even clear that she actually works at Bolthouse. She frequently squints while talking, making it appear that she must read cue cards to express even the most basic emotions. She is clearly a robot.
5. Who is Sam? Is he hot?
A search of Brent Bolthouse’s Myspace friends revealed a “Sam” who is 30 years old and lives in New York. He does not appear to be hot.
6. Is breakup leave part of the Bolthouse benefits package?
According to its website, Bolthouse offers full vacation and medical/personal leave. It is unclear whether traveling to Colorado to get “some space” from Spencer is included under personal leave.
