Thursday, June 05, 2008
Open Letters to People at my Gym
Dear Guy Who Never Showers After His Workout,
Deodorant is not a substitute for bathing, no matter how vigorously you may apply it. And no, I don't think Axe Body Spray is going to get you laid.
Regards,
Jay
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Dear Treadmill Class Instructor,
No one is having any trouble hearing you. In fact, Marlee Matlin just called, and she would like for you to keep it down. Also, shouting out commands at people who are running doesn't technically make you an "athlete." So maybe you don't need to wear the sports bra every day.
With Love,
Jay
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Dear Lady Carrying Around 2-Pound Weights for Half an Hour,
Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" was actually not intended as a bona fide exercise program. Although it is cute that you bring your own weights from home. And that they're neon green.
Always,
Jay
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Dear Enormous Male Trainers Who Like to Wrestle With One Another,
No, it really doesn't make you look gay. At all. In fact, I think you ought to add a kiddie pool full of vegetable oil to the equation. Hooray for male bonding!
Jay
Dear Guy Who Never Showers After His Workout,
Deodorant is not a substitute for bathing, no matter how vigorously you may apply it. And no, I don't think Axe Body Spray is going to get you laid.
Regards,
Jay
------
Dear Treadmill Class Instructor,
No one is having any trouble hearing you. In fact, Marlee Matlin just called, and she would like for you to keep it down. Also, shouting out commands at people who are running doesn't technically make you an "athlete." So maybe you don't need to wear the sports bra every day.
With Love,
Jay
-----
Dear Lady Carrying Around 2-Pound Weights for Half an Hour,
Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" was actually not intended as a bona fide exercise program. Although it is cute that you bring your own weights from home. And that they're neon green.
Always,
Jay
-----
Dear Enormous Male Trainers Who Like to Wrestle With One Another,
No, it really doesn't make you look gay. At all. In fact, I think you ought to add a kiddie pool full of vegetable oil to the equation. Hooray for male bonding!
Jay
