Monday, May 11, 2009
Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?
I've had a few controversial theories in my life. For instance, I think Ann Geddes photos are very creepy and that dressing babies up like sunflowers or rainbow trout is wrong. Many people seem to disagree. Similarly, I believe that Nicole Kidman should be locked up before she can do further harm to herself or others; many appear to believe she and her immobile face are some sort of National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage. But perhaps my most controversial theory of all is that Stanley Kubrick movies are boring. I know, I am a terrible, ignorant human being. And yet I cannot deny that twenty minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey are the equivalent of a box of wine and a twenty pound turkey to me. Consciousness just escapes me.
I tested this theory tonight by watching A Clockwork Orange, and though I did make it through without any major napping incidents, I'm not sure I need to throw my entire hypothesis out the window. I think I could easily cut half an hour out of this movie. Long shots of people walking down hallways from a great distance away? Cut. Long stretches of monologues unrelated to the plot? Cut. Musical montages? Cut. Cut. Cut.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I put up with all kinds of boring in my life. I work at a large law firm. I occasionally read Russian literature. I watched nearly an entire episode of Nova the other day. But this just makes me want to hit the fast forward button. Hard.
And yes, I thought the Shining was boring, too. All the quick jump cuts of creepy twins in the world can't make up for the hours of Jack Nicholson sitting at a typewriter. If I wanted to watch someone not type I could just look at my secretary.
I've had a few controversial theories in my life. For instance, I think Ann Geddes photos are very creepy and that dressing babies up like sunflowers or rainbow trout is wrong. Many people seem to disagree. Similarly, I believe that Nicole Kidman should be locked up before she can do further harm to herself or others; many appear to believe she and her immobile face are some sort of National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage. But perhaps my most controversial theory of all is that Stanley Kubrick movies are boring. I know, I am a terrible, ignorant human being. And yet I cannot deny that twenty minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey are the equivalent of a box of wine and a twenty pound turkey to me. Consciousness just escapes me.
I tested this theory tonight by watching A Clockwork Orange, and though I did make it through without any major napping incidents, I'm not sure I need to throw my entire hypothesis out the window. I think I could easily cut half an hour out of this movie. Long shots of people walking down hallways from a great distance away? Cut. Long stretches of monologues unrelated to the plot? Cut. Musical montages? Cut. Cut. Cut.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I put up with all kinds of boring in my life. I work at a large law firm. I occasionally read Russian literature. I watched nearly an entire episode of Nova the other day. But this just makes me want to hit the fast forward button. Hard.
And yes, I thought the Shining was boring, too. All the quick jump cuts of creepy twins in the world can't make up for the hours of Jack Nicholson sitting at a typewriter. If I wanted to watch someone not type I could just look at my secretary.
