Saturday, August 28, 2010
Pool Shark
It turns out I've sort of forgotten how to swim. I've been spending a lot of time at pools lately, which generally just involves lying near the pool and reading Us Weekly, but last week I actually jumped in to the deep end, and I nearly drowned. I did eventually figure out how to keep myself afloat, but there was a lot of embarrassing thrashing and coughing going on first. It was one of those things where you feel like everyone is staring at you and then of course it turns out no one is really even looking in your general direction, mainly because of the amount of cleavage on display everywhere. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Anyway, I did a few practice laps and I sort of figured some things out. I can do the back stroke and something roughly resembling a breast stroke, although both leave me hunting for an oxygen tank after a shockingly short period. Freestyle is pretty much entirely out of the question; I fear someone would jump in and try to save my life mid stroke. I am very good at standing in the shallow end and drinking beer, however.
To be fair, I've never been a super strong swimmer. As a kid, I mainly just went down the water slide and got in splash fights. When I took swimming classes, my goal was just to be able to stay alive in the event that I fell out of a boat. And I am rarely in boats, as it turns out.
But so yeah, I'm going to have to work on that. Drowning in a twenty-by-twenty pool would not make the coolest obituary. I want to go in a knife fight.
It turns out I've sort of forgotten how to swim. I've been spending a lot of time at pools lately, which generally just involves lying near the pool and reading Us Weekly, but last week I actually jumped in to the deep end, and I nearly drowned. I did eventually figure out how to keep myself afloat, but there was a lot of embarrassing thrashing and coughing going on first. It was one of those things where you feel like everyone is staring at you and then of course it turns out no one is really even looking in your general direction, mainly because of the amount of cleavage on display everywhere. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Anyway, I did a few practice laps and I sort of figured some things out. I can do the back stroke and something roughly resembling a breast stroke, although both leave me hunting for an oxygen tank after a shockingly short period. Freestyle is pretty much entirely out of the question; I fear someone would jump in and try to save my life mid stroke. I am very good at standing in the shallow end and drinking beer, however.
To be fair, I've never been a super strong swimmer. As a kid, I mainly just went down the water slide and got in splash fights. When I took swimming classes, my goal was just to be able to stay alive in the event that I fell out of a boat. And I am rarely in boats, as it turns out.
But so yeah, I'm going to have to work on that. Drowning in a twenty-by-twenty pool would not make the coolest obituary. I want to go in a knife fight.
