Saturday, September 11, 2010
Toastmaster
So I have some best man duties coming up, and I didn't realize how challenging it can be. I guess I should have understood from the flop sweat coming off a lot of the best men I've seen through the years, but somehow I guess I assumed I'd just be amazing. But when it comes down to it, you have a lot you have to do in your toast in what I really insist must be a short span of time. You have to be funny, touching, and genuine. You have to talk up the wonderfulness of the bride without appearing to be hitting on her. You have to talk up the wonderfulness of the groom without invoking people's memories of Brokeback Mountain. You have to remember that it's not about you, and also not tell that story about the time the groom killed a hooker. A daunting task indeed.
Other tips for a wedding toast I've gathered from my many blessed affairs:
-- Avoid off color references of all kinds. You are not Andrew Dice Clay. Unless you are actually Andrew Dice Clay, in which case it is 1992.
-- Stories about fun times you shared with the groom many years ago are enjoyable for only you and the groom.
-- It will be tempting, but you must not be drunk. Until after the toast. Then you can have at it.
-- Do not cry. It looks terrible on all men. On most women, too, actually. Crying is for funerals and the series finale of Everybody Loves Raymond.
-- If there is a microphone, remember that you are not Celine Dion and keep your distance. Otherwise, everyone can hear every bit of spittle in real time.
All right, that's enough. Time to put my learning into practice. I'm grabbing a six pack and my Crayolas.
So I have some best man duties coming up, and I didn't realize how challenging it can be. I guess I should have understood from the flop sweat coming off a lot of the best men I've seen through the years, but somehow I guess I assumed I'd just be amazing. But when it comes down to it, you have a lot you have to do in your toast in what I really insist must be a short span of time. You have to be funny, touching, and genuine. You have to talk up the wonderfulness of the bride without appearing to be hitting on her. You have to talk up the wonderfulness of the groom without invoking people's memories of Brokeback Mountain. You have to remember that it's not about you, and also not tell that story about the time the groom killed a hooker. A daunting task indeed.
Other tips for a wedding toast I've gathered from my many blessed affairs:
-- Avoid off color references of all kinds. You are not Andrew Dice Clay. Unless you are actually Andrew Dice Clay, in which case it is 1992.
-- Stories about fun times you shared with the groom many years ago are enjoyable for only you and the groom.
-- It will be tempting, but you must not be drunk. Until after the toast. Then you can have at it.
-- Do not cry. It looks terrible on all men. On most women, too, actually. Crying is for funerals and the series finale of Everybody Loves Raymond.
-- If there is a microphone, remember that you are not Celine Dion and keep your distance. Otherwise, everyone can hear every bit of spittle in real time.
All right, that's enough. Time to put my learning into practice. I'm grabbing a six pack and my Crayolas.
