Friday, July 01, 2011
Anti-Dentite
So I feel like I end up writing about the dentist every time I go there, but the fact of the matter is that something weird always happens that I'm dying to share. A big part of this is that they go through hygienists like Paula Abdul goes through painkillers. I swear to god I've had about six different ladies scraping at my teeth at this point, from the one who talked to me about colonial dolls the whole time to the one who dropped her scraper thingy on the floor and then tried to put it back in my mouth without sterilizing it. I actually preferred her in a lot of ways.
Anyway, today's lady was no exception to the general rule of craziness. She began our visit by quizzing me on the Us magazine I'd been reading in the lobby, despite my repeated protestations that I hadn't even read the article about Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding to some gay dude. She then insisted that I wrench my body into an exceedingly uncomfortable position where my head was essentially thrown back at a right angle to my body because that made it easier for her to get her tools into my mouth and "she's all about the ergonomics." Then came the relentless verbal assault on my tartar, which she seemed to view as a personal affront to her dignity. But the highlight had to be when she announced that my gums were "extra bleedy or something" as I spat about three quarts of red into the sink. Either that or when she suggested, apropos of nothing, that I get veneers.
I don't think this will be a problem for long, however, as I can tell that my dentist already hates her. He gave her a whole list of mistakes she made in the cleaning of my teeth and kept passive aggressively announcing that "it would be his preference" if she would do it correctly. And he physically smacked my chart out of his field of vision when she tried to bring it over to him. So yes, I think I'll have another post about a new person in another four months. Mark your calendars.
So I feel like I end up writing about the dentist every time I go there, but the fact of the matter is that something weird always happens that I'm dying to share. A big part of this is that they go through hygienists like Paula Abdul goes through painkillers. I swear to god I've had about six different ladies scraping at my teeth at this point, from the one who talked to me about colonial dolls the whole time to the one who dropped her scraper thingy on the floor and then tried to put it back in my mouth without sterilizing it. I actually preferred her in a lot of ways.
Anyway, today's lady was no exception to the general rule of craziness. She began our visit by quizzing me on the Us magazine I'd been reading in the lobby, despite my repeated protestations that I hadn't even read the article about Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding to some gay dude. She then insisted that I wrench my body into an exceedingly uncomfortable position where my head was essentially thrown back at a right angle to my body because that made it easier for her to get her tools into my mouth and "she's all about the ergonomics." Then came the relentless verbal assault on my tartar, which she seemed to view as a personal affront to her dignity. But the highlight had to be when she announced that my gums were "extra bleedy or something" as I spat about three quarts of red into the sink. Either that or when she suggested, apropos of nothing, that I get veneers.
I don't think this will be a problem for long, however, as I can tell that my dentist already hates her. He gave her a whole list of mistakes she made in the cleaning of my teeth and kept passive aggressively announcing that "it would be his preference" if she would do it correctly. And he physically smacked my chart out of his field of vision when she tried to bring it over to him. So yes, I think I'll have another post about a new person in another four months. Mark your calendars.
