Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas to All
After a couple of thousand years in this business, don’t you think it’s time for the holidays to get a makeover? I mean, Madonna reinvents herself regularly (I hear next she’s going to be a playful meerkat) and she’s only half that old. I say we replace Santa with, say, Bai Ling, and the Christmas tree with an app that allows you to predict the exact age at which Jennifer Aniston will die alone. Maybe we can get Hannukah some sort of product tie-in, like a $5 footlong that unexpectedly lasts for eight days. And don’t you feel like Kwanzaa could use some sexy teen vampires? I’m not saying that Maya Angelou has personally approved this plan or anything, but she definitely hasn’t had me arrested for repeatedly going through her trash, either. Apparently the caged bird sings because it plows through a minimum of three bags of Funyuns each week, if you know what I mean.
But of course any effort to rebrand the holidays would be met with staunch opposition, probably from the same nutjobs who are always telling me “the office is no place for a high octane rap battle” or “sir, if you want to stay for Act II of High School Musical On Ice, you will have to put your top back on.” There’s always going to be some crazy traditionalist demanding that we not replace “Silent Night” with “Gangnam Style” or cast Katherine Heigl as the baby Jesus (save her for the crucifixion scenes, seriously). And the truth is that our traditions really do have value, if not always entertainment value. Singing Christmas carols with your family may not win you any Latin Grammys, but it will bring you closer together, if only because there’s only one microphone on the Fisher-Price Star Stage. Exchanging gifts with your coworkers may not get you those Liz & Dick action figures you’ve been hankering for, but pretending to be delighted as you unwrap the three-pack of off-brand transparent tape they got you builds character. And sure, that misshapen rust-colored holiday sweater your Aunt Enid knitted for you may not be fashionable enough for Project Runway, but didn’t that show stop being good after about the third season, anyway?
Traditions are our constants in a world that is full of change, both good (Emma Stone subbing in for Lindsay Lohan as go-to redhead) and bad (someone named Vera Farmiga becoming even vaguely famous). For my part, I left my law firm this year to pursue a career in state government, where my cases are all fascinating due to the presence of dead bodies, but the bathrooms are decidedly lacking in paper towels. I said goodbye to my 100-year-old grandmother, whose thorough explications of The Young & The Restless and compelling tales of people named Dot and Chubb surviving the Depression and loving it will no doubt live on forever. And I started writing and performing again, which has of course been great news for anyone who likes Carrot Top, but thinks he’s just a bit too cerebral. So I’m glad to come back to my traditions, and no, I am not using “traditions” as a euphemism for “binge drinking.”
In fact, as traditions go, holiday traditions are some of my favorites, alongside the casual racism of Cinco de Mayo and the In Memoriam applause contest at the Oscars. It’s nice to take time each year to let all of our friends and family know how great they are, even if it generally does mean a fifteen-pound weight gain and a shouting match with your Uncle Tim about federalism. So good luck out there, and here’s wishing you happy holidays and a great 2013!
After a couple of thousand years in this business, don’t you think it’s time for the holidays to get a makeover? I mean, Madonna reinvents herself regularly (I hear next she’s going to be a playful meerkat) and she’s only half that old. I say we replace Santa with, say, Bai Ling, and the Christmas tree with an app that allows you to predict the exact age at which Jennifer Aniston will die alone. Maybe we can get Hannukah some sort of product tie-in, like a $5 footlong that unexpectedly lasts for eight days. And don’t you feel like Kwanzaa could use some sexy teen vampires? I’m not saying that Maya Angelou has personally approved this plan or anything, but she definitely hasn’t had me arrested for repeatedly going through her trash, either. Apparently the caged bird sings because it plows through a minimum of three bags of Funyuns each week, if you know what I mean.
But of course any effort to rebrand the holidays would be met with staunch opposition, probably from the same nutjobs who are always telling me “the office is no place for a high octane rap battle” or “sir, if you want to stay for Act II of High School Musical On Ice, you will have to put your top back on.” There’s always going to be some crazy traditionalist demanding that we not replace “Silent Night” with “Gangnam Style” or cast Katherine Heigl as the baby Jesus (save her for the crucifixion scenes, seriously). And the truth is that our traditions really do have value, if not always entertainment value. Singing Christmas carols with your family may not win you any Latin Grammys, but it will bring you closer together, if only because there’s only one microphone on the Fisher-Price Star Stage. Exchanging gifts with your coworkers may not get you those Liz & Dick action figures you’ve been hankering for, but pretending to be delighted as you unwrap the three-pack of off-brand transparent tape they got you builds character. And sure, that misshapen rust-colored holiday sweater your Aunt Enid knitted for you may not be fashionable enough for Project Runway, but didn’t that show stop being good after about the third season, anyway?
Traditions are our constants in a world that is full of change, both good (Emma Stone subbing in for Lindsay Lohan as go-to redhead) and bad (someone named Vera Farmiga becoming even vaguely famous). For my part, I left my law firm this year to pursue a career in state government, where my cases are all fascinating due to the presence of dead bodies, but the bathrooms are decidedly lacking in paper towels. I said goodbye to my 100-year-old grandmother, whose thorough explications of The Young & The Restless and compelling tales of people named Dot and Chubb surviving the Depression and loving it will no doubt live on forever. And I started writing and performing again, which has of course been great news for anyone who likes Carrot Top, but thinks he’s just a bit too cerebral. So I’m glad to come back to my traditions, and no, I am not using “traditions” as a euphemism for “binge drinking.”
In fact, as traditions go, holiday traditions are some of my favorites, alongside the casual racism of Cinco de Mayo and the In Memoriam applause contest at the Oscars. It’s nice to take time each year to let all of our friends and family know how great they are, even if it generally does mean a fifteen-pound weight gain and a shouting match with your Uncle Tim about federalism. So good luck out there, and here’s wishing you happy holidays and a great 2013!
