Thursday, April 18, 2013
Elevating the Level of Discourse Since 2013
For those of you who didn't have to make small talk with coworkers today, just a heads up that there was a lot of rain this morning. Streets flooded, people got cranky, and apparently there was some sort of poop geyser up on the north side. And I got jammed into a red line car with eighty of my closest friends. Which was when some lady decided to provoke the crazy homeless person on board by insisting that she be allowed to sit down next to him, leading to a torrent of profanities. I'll try to reproduce the dialogue below, but replace the naughty words with nice words that start with the same letter.
"You friendly cookie, why you got to fudgesickle crowd me? Get the fondue out of here, Beyoncé!"
"I'm just trying to sit down, sir. Everybody got to sit down sometimes."
"You stupid nougat pussycat! I don't need you in my french fried business. Go to fantastic hot dog."
"God bless you, sir. God loves you and so do I."
"I don't love your great doggie pussycat! I oughta kick your funtimes Arby's."
"Oh, go ahead, sir. I'd love to see it."
"I would, but there's too many fantastic witnesses. You ain't worth it."
"Uh huh. All talk. You're all talk."
"Freedom you, banana."
It continued on like this for some time. Really, my biggest regret is that David Mamet wasn't there to take it all down.
For those of you who didn't have to make small talk with coworkers today, just a heads up that there was a lot of rain this morning. Streets flooded, people got cranky, and apparently there was some sort of poop geyser up on the north side. And I got jammed into a red line car with eighty of my closest friends. Which was when some lady decided to provoke the crazy homeless person on board by insisting that she be allowed to sit down next to him, leading to a torrent of profanities. I'll try to reproduce the dialogue below, but replace the naughty words with nice words that start with the same letter.
"You friendly cookie, why you got to fudgesickle crowd me? Get the fondue out of here, Beyoncé!"
"I'm just trying to sit down, sir. Everybody got to sit down sometimes."
"You stupid nougat pussycat! I don't need you in my french fried business. Go to fantastic hot dog."
"God bless you, sir. God loves you and so do I."
"I don't love your great doggie pussycat! I oughta kick your funtimes Arby's."
"Oh, go ahead, sir. I'd love to see it."
"I would, but there's too many fantastic witnesses. You ain't worth it."
"Uh huh. All talk. You're all talk."
"Freedom you, banana."
It continued on like this for some time. Really, my biggest regret is that David Mamet wasn't there to take it all down.
