Sunday, March 15, 2015
The Luck Of the Irish
It is St. Patrick's Day. Or, rather, it is the weekend prior to St. Patrick's Day, which has been designated by bar owners as unofficial St. Pat's so that people can spend lots of money getting wasted at their establishments and then stumble out to block my access to the Taco Bell drive through and vomit on my front lawn. When I was heading out the gym at 8:30 yesterday morning I already saw clumps of butterfaces and buthishairgreases dressed head to toe in Kelly green headed for the revelry. Now, I am all for day drinking, but drinking before the last hour of the Today show has even finished somehow seems wrong. Unless you're Kathie Lee, of course. That shit has been grandfathered in.
Anyway, all of this fills me with righteous rage. It should not take me half an hour to drive the ten blocks from my mother's place to my own simply because booze buses and trolleys are blocking the intersections. People should not return to their homes at 1 AM and blast Three Doors Down's Kryptonite at a volume level more appropriate for the rapture. Also, there should not be public fingerbanging. I just consider these to be basic aspects of living in a society.
Of course, there was a time when I was part of the fingerbanging masses. But it never involved actual fingerbanging so much as getting drunk on green beer and playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" so as to blow people's minds. I never even wore a shirt announcing that my dick was Dublin. Has my entire life been a waste? I guess we'll leave it to the scholars to decide.
It is St. Patrick's Day. Or, rather, it is the weekend prior to St. Patrick's Day, which has been designated by bar owners as unofficial St. Pat's so that people can spend lots of money getting wasted at their establishments and then stumble out to block my access to the Taco Bell drive through and vomit on my front lawn. When I was heading out the gym at 8:30 yesterday morning I already saw clumps of butterfaces and buthishairgreases dressed head to toe in Kelly green headed for the revelry. Now, I am all for day drinking, but drinking before the last hour of the Today show has even finished somehow seems wrong. Unless you're Kathie Lee, of course. That shit has been grandfathered in.
Anyway, all of this fills me with righteous rage. It should not take me half an hour to drive the ten blocks from my mother's place to my own simply because booze buses and trolleys are blocking the intersections. People should not return to their homes at 1 AM and blast Three Doors Down's Kryptonite at a volume level more appropriate for the rapture. Also, there should not be public fingerbanging. I just consider these to be basic aspects of living in a society.
Of course, there was a time when I was part of the fingerbanging masses. But it never involved actual fingerbanging so much as getting drunk on green beer and playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" so as to blow people's minds. I never even wore a shirt announcing that my dick was Dublin. Has my entire life been a waste? I guess we'll leave it to the scholars to decide.
