Sunday, February 28, 2016
Oscar Predictions 2016
It's that time of year again! The time when we distract ourselves from all of the terrible things going on in the world by obsessing over which ultra-wealthy celebrities will be awarded tiny little statutes. And also make fun of what Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing. So here, while I still have the chance, are my Oscar predictions for this year:
-- There will be jokes about how white the Oscars are, as though that somehow makes up for how white the Oscars are.
-- Sylvester Stallone will win best supporting actor, despite the fact that he thought it was a good idea to make three Expendables movies.
-- Everyone will get up to freshen the chili cheese dip during the awards for costumes and makeup.
-- Kate Winslet will win best supporting actress for Steve Jobs, despite the fact that I do not know a single person who has actually seen that movie.
-- There will be at least three montages of clips from old movies for no reason at all.
-- Leonardo DiCaprio will win best actor, while the horse he slept inside will remain shockingly snubbed.
-- Sharon Stone will be in attendance despite the lack of any logical motive for that to be so.
-- Brie Larson will win best actress, which will never remove the sting of having been passed over for a Teen Choice Award.
-- The ceremony will go on for so long that it will genuinely start to feel like they are just making up new awards to hand out now.
-- For the first time in like ten years, the winner of best picture will actually be somewhat surprising.
Enjoy the show! Or don't, if you prefer -- it's really no skin off my back either way.
It's that time of year again! The time when we distract ourselves from all of the terrible things going on in the world by obsessing over which ultra-wealthy celebrities will be awarded tiny little statutes. And also make fun of what Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing. So here, while I still have the chance, are my Oscar predictions for this year:
-- There will be jokes about how white the Oscars are, as though that somehow makes up for how white the Oscars are.
-- Sylvester Stallone will win best supporting actor, despite the fact that he thought it was a good idea to make three Expendables movies.
-- Everyone will get up to freshen the chili cheese dip during the awards for costumes and makeup.
-- Kate Winslet will win best supporting actress for Steve Jobs, despite the fact that I do not know a single person who has actually seen that movie.
-- There will be at least three montages of clips from old movies for no reason at all.
-- Leonardo DiCaprio will win best actor, while the horse he slept inside will remain shockingly snubbed.
-- Sharon Stone will be in attendance despite the lack of any logical motive for that to be so.
-- Brie Larson will win best actress, which will never remove the sting of having been passed over for a Teen Choice Award.
-- The ceremony will go on for so long that it will genuinely start to feel like they are just making up new awards to hand out now.
-- For the first time in like ten years, the winner of best picture will actually be somewhat surprising.
Enjoy the show! Or don't, if you prefer -- it's really no skin off my back either way.
