the ocean

Listen, I know that it's sometimes difficult to decide what the appropriate emoticon for any given situation is. But what are you going to do, communicate with someone in person? I'm here to help with this handy breakdown.

SITUATION: You've been caught flying a chartered jet to various chili cook-offs and family reunions at taxpayer expense.

EMOTICON: Grimacing face.

SITUATION: You've had your bail revoked after making vaguely threatening and deeply weird comments about Hillary Clinton.

EMOTICON: Face with dollar signs for eyes and on tongue.

SITUATION: You've been granted parole after serving nine years in prison in connection with a plot to steal your own sports memorabilia that is unlikely to serve as the basis for an extension of the Ocean's series.

EMOTICON: Smiling cat face.

SITUATION: You're picking a Twitter fight with the victims of a hurricane.

EMOTION: Clown face. 

SITUATION: Your cameo on the Emmys didn't go over quite as well as you thought it would.

EMOTION: Tossup between crying face and face that appears to be based on Edvard Munch's The Scream.

SITUATION: You're a celebrity announcing your pregnancy mere days after your equally famous and underserving younger sister.

EMOTICON: This is a tough one, but I'm going with Black Santa Claus.

SITUATION: Your company got hacked, which may or may not have resulted in the release of millions of people's sensitive personal information, but you're still getting a multi-million dollar golden parachute.

EMOTICON: Winky face with tongue out.

SITUATION: You used to be the biggest celebrity in the world, but now your big new release is neck and neck with the fourth weekend of a movie about a scary clown.

EMOTICON: I don't know, disco dancing man? I'm starting to miss the days of T9. 

That's all for now. I hope this has been helpful. I live to serve, of course.