the ocean

With the quarantine going on and on, I'm not really doing that much besides work, frankly. And the stuff I am doing I don't really want to write about because I don't want people to judge me. (Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm clubbing maskless or anything.) So I've decided to start dipping into my vault for some never-before-seen but effort-free content. To start, here's a never-produced sketch I wrote a few years back:

Brunch!

by Jay Schleppenbach

(Beth, Kim, Jill, and Liz are having brunch, laughing.)

BETH: … so I picked all the Skittles up off the floor and put my top back on.

KIM: Wow. Are you going to see him again?

BETH: I kind of have to. He’s my financial planner.

(The waiter comes over.)

WAITER: Can I get you ladies anything to drink?

JILL: Oh, not for me, I had kind of a rough night last night.

LIZ: Me either. I’m planning to go to the gym after this.

KIM: I’ve got to go to work.

BETH: I’m performing surgery this afternoon.

WAITER: Ok, so four waters?

KIM: Well now he seems upset.

LIZ: I don’t want to be rude.

JILL: Maybe just a mimosa. To take the edge off.

LIZ: Me too.

KIM: Make that three.

BETH: Mimosas all around.

(The waiter goes.)

LIZ: So rough night last night?

JILL: Oh yes. Suffice it to say, never agree to follow a ska band to a second location. Unless you’re good waking up to someone cutting your hair.

BETH: I’ve had worse.

KIM: Please don’t tell the Lindsey Graham story.

BETH: So I was buying leggings at Urban Outfitters – this was like ten years ago – and I ran into Lindsey Graham…

(The waiter returns, interrupting.)

WAITER: Here you are, four mimosas. You know, we do have a bottomless mimosa special on Saturdays.

LIZ: Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly. I’m driving, after all.

JILL: I’m babysitting my niece and nephew later.

BETH: I’m not even really supposed to drink with my medication.

KIM: And I’m still on probation.

WAITER: That’s fine. Just wanted to let you know. Have we thought about…

JILL: It does sound like a good value, though.

KIM: I don’t want to waste money.

BETH: I mean what with the economy and all.

LIZ: And don’t forget the pay gap.

WAITER: So bottomless all around?

KIM: Geez! Twist my arm!

(The waiter leaves.)

JILL: So what did you all do last night?

LIZ: Nothing much. My friend was getting a Latin Grammy, so we did that. Gift bags were super lame, by the way.

KIM: So true. This guy I used to hang out with is thinking about upgrading his private jet, so we were just, like, flying in jets. Personally I think the ten seater is little bit much, but I’m kind of old school like that.

BETH: With you! I was just kind of Netflixing and chilling last night. I mean, I was with the founder of Netflix, so I kind of had to, but it was pretty legit.

(The waiter returns.)

WAITER: So I just brought a pitcher of mimosas, so you’ll kind of have them when you need them. Have we thought about food?

KIM: Oh, I’m not eating. I had a big dinner on Thursday, so I’m still kind of working off that.

LIZ: I’m doing Weight Watchers, except I don’t really understand the points, so I just eat nothing but whole wheat toast and chewy Sprees.

BETH: Do you maybe have like some saltines and ketchup packets back there?

JILL: I get all of my nutrients intravenously.

WAITER: Uh… I can check with the kitchen and see…

BETH: Well we don’t want you to have to go to any trouble.

KIM: No, of course not. I guess I’ll just have the Lumberjack’s Breakfast with a side of biscuits and gravy.

JILL: The Hobo Skillet, but can I get it with extra mayonnaise?

WAITER: There’s no mayonnaise in it, so…

JILL: Just on the side, then.

LIZ: Can I order off your dinner menu? I’d like the half chicken and a rack of ribs, please.

BETH: Do you serve anything you can butcher in front of me? I like to look my meal in the eyes and see the fear there.

WAITER: No, I’m afraid we don’t keep much livestock on hand here.

BETH: Oh well. Side salad, no dressing, no cheese, no croutons, then, please.

WAITER: Ok, so lettuce. I’ll put that in for you now.

(The waiter leaves.)

LIZ: All right, I’ll say what we’re all thinking: that waiter is so into us!

KIM: I know, right? He so reminds me of this Uber driver I had the other day, who was all “mam, there will be a cleanup fee if you throw up in this car,” but it was so clear that he, like, wanted me bad.

JILL: Oh my God, that happens to me too! Like when I was arguing with that woman at my dry cleaners because she falsely claimed she could get human blood out of silk, and I could totally tell she was thinking about kissing me.

BETH: My entire relationship with Neil Patrick Harris was like that.

(The waiter returns with waters.)

LIZ: Oh no, oh no. I know what’s coming. I’m telling you, I can’t possibly have dessert. I’m huge. And I have Blake Shelton’s pool party coming up.

BETH: I’m running out of ribs to have removed.

JILL: I have a form of diabetes so rare they named it after me.

KIM: And I was planning on slipping out and assuming a new identity.

WAITER: Uh, I haven’t even brought your main courses yet. I’m just bringing you some more water.

LIZ: Oh, well in that case, do you know where we can get some crystal meth?

(Blackout.)