the ocean

This is NOT a liveblog, partially because I’m not even sure at this point that I won’t give up and turn it off before it’s over, but we’re watching Wonder Woman 1984, and I have so many thoughts.

— It’s really refreshing that they decided to go all in on the lesbian vibes. The Amazonian contest that opened the movie was like a more athletic version of Lilith Fair.

— Are we really supposed to believe that a woman who looks like Gal Gadot has been unable to find a single man worth fucking in the half a century since the last movie? I could give her a list of names, if it helps.

— Can we officially declare a moratorium on ‘80s nostalgia now? Especially since we all know now how those awesome malls became opium dens and homeless encampments?

— I feel kind of sad that Wonder Woman can’t find a cuter apartment building than the Watergate.

— I guess part of Steve Trevor’s magical return was that he was rendered a complete moron?

— I feel foolish for not realizing that the Smithsonian just leaves the jets ready to go with the keys in them. That could have really souped up a lot of Eighth Grade field trips.

— I’m not one to cry plagiarism, but the script does seem to owe a bit of a debt to my sixth grade play, “The Trouble With Wishes.”

— I never knew I could feel this sorry for Kristen Wiig.

Okay, I’m done. We all go back to work tomorrow and I wasted my last night of freedom on this.