Sunday, January 31, 2021
Salt of the Earth
We've been catching up on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City recently. I was initially resistant to adding another housewives franchise, having been burned by Dallas, which started out amazing with anesthesia-induced allegations of blow jobs but ended up just kind of racist and boring. Of course, I should have remembered the lessons of Potomac, which I had resisted but now consider to be the Citizen Kane of crazy-lady-based reality television. All of which is a longwinded way of saying that Salt Lake is kind of bringing it.
First of all, I have a lot of thoughts about Heather. Her proportions alarm me but her many neuroses delight. I honestly believe there is a monograph on her just waiting to be written by some lucky psychologist. Her ex-husband left her over a scheduling conflict. Though in her forties, she is brought to tears by the thought of losing a crazy friend who treats her horribly. When gossiping about that same friend, though, she lights up like Anne Hathaway pretending to be surprised by an acting award. And she loves to "be bad" by, like, wearing a leather jacket and having three chardonnays. A true champion.
Jen is the unbalanced nightmare that every Housewives needs. She flies into a rage at the smallest perceived slight and takes everything to 11. She throws birthday parties for other people that are actually entirely about her. She dresses like J. Lo if J. Lo were slowly losing her sight. I'll either marry her or or die by her hand.
Meredith's voice is insane and I love it. She seems to hate her husband, which is cool. She seems to love her son, which is fine and all, but dude left college to be a sweatsuit designer. She walks away from every argument, which probably doesn't guarantee TV longevity, but is likely what I'd do.
Lisa's pretty. And she owns an alcohol brand. If Housewives history is any indication, it tastes like the used coffee grounds from Andy Cohen's trash, but still.
Whitney is somehow both incredibly boring and the most irritating person of all time. She talks a big game and then when confronted immediately starts apologizing like crazy. She tries to project confidence but seems to be afraid of literally everyone. She is an excellent dancer, though.
Mary fucked her step grandfather, and that is basically all there is to be said about that. Also, she seems to film solely from her closet. I'm thinking one and done for her.
Okay, that's a lot. It's been on my mind, clearly.
