Saturday, April 03, 2021
Death and Taxes
I've finally conceded to the inevitable and started working on an estate plan. For the longest time, my plan was simply to not ever die, which had an elegant simplicity to it. But with the pandemic, the odds of my going what I believe the professionals refer to as "coocoo bananas" and causing harm to myself or others seemed to grow exponentially, along with the odds of accidentally spending an entire day watching YouTube videos of Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child messing up the choreography. Also, I am deeply concerned that the government not get one red cent of my estate, as I feel certain they would waste it on something frivolous like providing health care to the needy. I had that money set aside for in-app purchases on iPhone games designed for Korean teenagers, okay Kommandant Biden?
Anyway, the estate plan is happening, and it's the super best time. Who doesn't want to think about how vegetative is too vegetative to keep that life support going? Or how one can safeguard one's funds against being invested entirely in PJ Masks products by one's niece and nephew? Not to mention the thrill of imagining one's friends and relatives digging at each other with knives in a battle over the estate. I had hoped to set up a variety of physical and mental challenges for potential beneficiaries to compete in through my will, but I am told that's, what's the word, stupid?
Luckily, I am a lawyer (I think this is the first time I've ever said that), so I have a friend I could hire to make the process less painful. I once let her give me a home perm during law school, so obviously she is someone I trust. (My hair just got, like, extra big, with little apparent curl.) And we can divide our time between actually talking about the business at hand and recalling how we once got thrown out of a strip club with a free baked potato bar. Now that is some sensible planning for a serious future.
