Friday, September 03, 2004
Three Day Weekend!
I’ll be spending my big holiday weekend off in Quincy, IL, home of poorly-spelled coffee shops and cultlike devotion to high school sports. Before I take off, however, here are some tips to help you make the most of your Labor Day festivities:
- Don’t forget those Americans whose selfless deaths led to the establishment of Labor Day, namely Jeremiah and Margaret Labor, the nineteenth century midget pornographers killed in a tragic cotton gin accident.
- When planning the guest list for your backyard barbeque, it’s best to keep it simple. Invite only those you feel have wronged you through the years; then serve the hot dogs with a side of insane accusations.
- Remember, it is considered unfashionable in some circles to wear white after Labor Day. Being white, however, is perfectly appropriate, especially if you are Michael Jackson.
- If you’ve got a car trip planned for the weekend, make sure to honk your horn every five minutes. Not only will this ward off evil spirits, it will also ensure that other drivers notice how spectacular you look in your Chrysler LeBaron Convertible.
- Water sports are lots of fun for everyone, and also a great way for your rich Aunt Enid to "accidentally" drown.
- To avoid a sunburn, simply lock yourself in your apartment all weekend, watching Family Matters reruns and eating Oatmeal Creme Pies and expired cans of green beans. When the Romantic era returns, people will be so jealous of your creamy white complexion!
- After Labor Day, it is no longer appropriate to have "hot fun in the summertime." Instead, substitute "pleasantly crisp fun in the early autumn" or simply "fun with light jackets and sweaters."
Lots to report, I'm sure, when I return!
I’ll be spending my big holiday weekend off in Quincy, IL, home of poorly-spelled coffee shops and cultlike devotion to high school sports. Before I take off, however, here are some tips to help you make the most of your Labor Day festivities:
- Don’t forget those Americans whose selfless deaths led to the establishment of Labor Day, namely Jeremiah and Margaret Labor, the nineteenth century midget pornographers killed in a tragic cotton gin accident.
- When planning the guest list for your backyard barbeque, it’s best to keep it simple. Invite only those you feel have wronged you through the years; then serve the hot dogs with a side of insane accusations.
- Remember, it is considered unfashionable in some circles to wear white after Labor Day. Being white, however, is perfectly appropriate, especially if you are Michael Jackson.
- If you’ve got a car trip planned for the weekend, make sure to honk your horn every five minutes. Not only will this ward off evil spirits, it will also ensure that other drivers notice how spectacular you look in your Chrysler LeBaron Convertible.
- Water sports are lots of fun for everyone, and also a great way for your rich Aunt Enid to "accidentally" drown.
- To avoid a sunburn, simply lock yourself in your apartment all weekend, watching Family Matters reruns and eating Oatmeal Creme Pies and expired cans of green beans. When the Romantic era returns, people will be so jealous of your creamy white complexion!
- After Labor Day, it is no longer appropriate to have "hot fun in the summertime." Instead, substitute "pleasantly crisp fun in the early autumn" or simply "fun with light jackets and sweaters."
Lots to report, I'm sure, when I return!
