Monday, March 07, 2005
The Life Aquatic
I went to the aquarium yesterday. Although fish lack the fuzzy lovability of some of your finer zoo-dwelling mammals (no one will ever replace the meerkats in my heart), they can possess a certain degree of coolness. I mean, slimy-looking things with excessive eyes and gill slits are just kind of awesome, even if they do sometimes make you jump a little to make sure they’re not crawling on you. And I like creatures that are colors that creatures are typically not, such as those neon-rocking fish that you would think were invented wholesale for some crassly-marketed animated feature, but are actually real and apparently coping with the curse of ADHD each day. I do think it’s amusing that they have a whole section of the aquarium devoted to Illinois lakes and rivers, since most people are probably not too anxious to see animals their pets might drag home in headless form on any given day, but I guess it probably beats an exhibit on the fish of New Jersey, i.e. tires.
Anyway, the best part of the aquarium was their awesome dolphin show. Dolphins are very smart and sometimes save children who have fallen down wells or done poorly on their SATs. I had a dolphin do my taxes just last year. Here, they chose to display the beauty and majesty of the dolphin through the use of grating techno and an annoying host in bad khakis who pushed conservation the way my grandmother pushes an extra slice of nasty-ass pie. They also incorporated the most irritating recurring character in the history of time (yes, more irritating than Skippy on Family Ties) in the persona of "Ozzy," a lovable stoner who learns that one person can make a difference through a series of hilarious dolphin-related misunderstandings, none of which unfortunately result in his accidental drowning. Oh, and there were fat people in wetsuits. Enough said.
Another thing you should know about the aquarium is that they don’t have killer whales there, just little white ones that are disappointingly unwhalelike. So if you want to see Shamu or seek vengeance on the great white who took your leg, it’s not for you. But you should maybe take that as a sign that it’s time to reprioritize in your life, anyway.
I went to the aquarium yesterday. Although fish lack the fuzzy lovability of some of your finer zoo-dwelling mammals (no one will ever replace the meerkats in my heart), they can possess a certain degree of coolness. I mean, slimy-looking things with excessive eyes and gill slits are just kind of awesome, even if they do sometimes make you jump a little to make sure they’re not crawling on you. And I like creatures that are colors that creatures are typically not, such as those neon-rocking fish that you would think were invented wholesale for some crassly-marketed animated feature, but are actually real and apparently coping with the curse of ADHD each day. I do think it’s amusing that they have a whole section of the aquarium devoted to Illinois lakes and rivers, since most people are probably not too anxious to see animals their pets might drag home in headless form on any given day, but I guess it probably beats an exhibit on the fish of New Jersey, i.e. tires.
Anyway, the best part of the aquarium was their awesome dolphin show. Dolphins are very smart and sometimes save children who have fallen down wells or done poorly on their SATs. I had a dolphin do my taxes just last year. Here, they chose to display the beauty and majesty of the dolphin through the use of grating techno and an annoying host in bad khakis who pushed conservation the way my grandmother pushes an extra slice of nasty-ass pie. They also incorporated the most irritating recurring character in the history of time (yes, more irritating than Skippy on Family Ties) in the persona of "Ozzy," a lovable stoner who learns that one person can make a difference through a series of hilarious dolphin-related misunderstandings, none of which unfortunately result in his accidental drowning. Oh, and there were fat people in wetsuits. Enough said.
Another thing you should know about the aquarium is that they don’t have killer whales there, just little white ones that are disappointingly unwhalelike. So if you want to see Shamu or seek vengeance on the great white who took your leg, it’s not for you. But you should maybe take that as a sign that it’s time to reprioritize in your life, anyway.
