Saturday, June 30, 2012
Discoveries
So on Thursday I decided to go to the Art Institute during my lunch break. It was sort of a test run to see how much time I would have to actually look at art once all of the time for getting there and back again was taken out. As a result, I ended up spending much more time looking at my watch than at paintings; tragically there are very few Monets that will actually tell you the time. But it looks like I'll have about 25 minutes of actual browsing time for each visit, which should do it, assuming I don't get caught up in conversation with Jasper Johns or anything.
As an unfortunate aside, it was approximately 100 degrees outside on Thursday and, as a result, I probably lost about 5 pounds from sweating through my clothes on the way there. At first I was all like "Oh, it's not that bad out; what is everyone complaining about?" And then I got out of the shade and I nearly passed out. Deciding to access the museum by walking up the ramp from Millennium Park was also not my finest moment; given that the ramp is made of reflective metal, it felt as though I was frying myself to death for the duration of my climb.
I did discover the underground pedway for my trip back, however. It turns out there are all these underground tunnels in Chicago that connect directly to my office building, so I was able to go all the way from the park to my building in a relatively sweat-free fashion. It actually kind of blows my mind how much stuff is down in these tunnels; you could probably survive down there for a while in the event of an alien invasion, so long as you like Starbucks and Subway. Although I did get a little disoriented at one point and feared I might be trapped beneath the Daley Center forever, which actually might not be so bad if it weren't for the divorce court. But anyway, like Nancy Drew and Dawn from The Babysitter's Club, I have mastered my secret passageways and triumphed over adversity. I think it's safe to say we've all learned a lot about life and about ourselves.
So on Thursday I decided to go to the Art Institute during my lunch break. It was sort of a test run to see how much time I would have to actually look at art once all of the time for getting there and back again was taken out. As a result, I ended up spending much more time looking at my watch than at paintings; tragically there are very few Monets that will actually tell you the time. But it looks like I'll have about 25 minutes of actual browsing time for each visit, which should do it, assuming I don't get caught up in conversation with Jasper Johns or anything.
As an unfortunate aside, it was approximately 100 degrees outside on Thursday and, as a result, I probably lost about 5 pounds from sweating through my clothes on the way there. At first I was all like "Oh, it's not that bad out; what is everyone complaining about?" And then I got out of the shade and I nearly passed out. Deciding to access the museum by walking up the ramp from Millennium Park was also not my finest moment; given that the ramp is made of reflective metal, it felt as though I was frying myself to death for the duration of my climb.
I did discover the underground pedway for my trip back, however. It turns out there are all these underground tunnels in Chicago that connect directly to my office building, so I was able to go all the way from the park to my building in a relatively sweat-free fashion. It actually kind of blows my mind how much stuff is down in these tunnels; you could probably survive down there for a while in the event of an alien invasion, so long as you like Starbucks and Subway. Although I did get a little disoriented at one point and feared I might be trapped beneath the Daley Center forever, which actually might not be so bad if it weren't for the divorce court. But anyway, like Nancy Drew and Dawn from The Babysitter's Club, I have mastered my secret passageways and triumphed over adversity. I think it's safe to say we've all learned a lot about life and about ourselves.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Man About Town
One of the (good) things that I am getting used to with my new job is actually having a lunch break. I have an hour for lunch every day, which I use in a variety of ways, only some of which are sucking Pringles directly from the can. I've been catching up with friends (especially those who were pregnant the last time I saw them and now have toddlers) and doing some shopping, both in person and online (I am in a fierce eBay bidding war for Tom Selleck's partially-used moustache wax). I've also been going for walks around the Loop when it's nice out, which has ended up teaching me a lot of weirdly fascinating things. For instance, did you know that some adult humans believe it's okay to strip down and climb into the fountain at Daley Plaza during their lunch breaks? And that no one arrests them? Also, there are people gathering petition signatures for virtually every cause imaginable within a four block radius of my office, and they all open with some variation on "do you have a minute to ______ today?" Yesterday I was anticipating "minute for the environment" so I said "not right now," but it was actually "minute to save a life," which made me feel kind of like a jackass. Especially since the reason I didn't have a minute was that I was trying to get to the GAP to try on khakis. I've also noted with much interest the many halfhearted protests downtown, many of lack clear messaging and thus seem to be just groups of disaffected people standing around awkwardly with megaphones. Although there was one a few days ago where they dressed up in orange prison jumpsuits, which at least had a lot of visual flair. Oh, and there are a lot of panhandlers in the Loop, which there were not really so many of back in River North. One of them tried to hug me the other day. At least I think it was a panhandler. It could have been Courtney Love.
One of the (good) things that I am getting used to with my new job is actually having a lunch break. I have an hour for lunch every day, which I use in a variety of ways, only some of which are sucking Pringles directly from the can. I've been catching up with friends (especially those who were pregnant the last time I saw them and now have toddlers) and doing some shopping, both in person and online (I am in a fierce eBay bidding war for Tom Selleck's partially-used moustache wax). I've also been going for walks around the Loop when it's nice out, which has ended up teaching me a lot of weirdly fascinating things. For instance, did you know that some adult humans believe it's okay to strip down and climb into the fountain at Daley Plaza during their lunch breaks? And that no one arrests them? Also, there are people gathering petition signatures for virtually every cause imaginable within a four block radius of my office, and they all open with some variation on "do you have a minute to ______ today?" Yesterday I was anticipating "minute for the environment" so I said "not right now," but it was actually "minute to save a life," which made me feel kind of like a jackass. Especially since the reason I didn't have a minute was that I was trying to get to the GAP to try on khakis. I've also noted with much interest the many halfhearted protests downtown, many of lack clear messaging and thus seem to be just groups of disaffected people standing around awkwardly with megaphones. Although there was one a few days ago where they dressed up in orange prison jumpsuits, which at least had a lot of visual flair. Oh, and there are a lot of panhandlers in the Loop, which there were not really so many of back in River North. One of them tried to hug me the other day. At least I think it was a panhandler. It could have been Courtney Love.
Monday, June 25, 2012
In the "Welcome Back to Work" Department
This morning on the way to work I was hit in the face by a pigeon. A whole flock of them were headed my direction and I tried to duck out of the way, but on the other hand there were lots of people around, so I didn't want to try too hard. It's difficult to maintain your dignity while ducking and covering in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. I will tell you, though, that getting a mouthfull of wing is not exactly more dignified. And now I think I have scabies.
This morning on the way to work I was hit in the face by a pigeon. A whole flock of them were headed my direction and I tried to duck out of the way, but on the other hand there were lots of people around, so I didn't want to try too hard. It's difficult to maintain your dignity while ducking and covering in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. I will tell you, though, that getting a mouthfull of wing is not exactly more dignified. And now I think I have scabies.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
In Which It Gets Real
It's not really my practice to bring up serious topics here on the blog; somehow I feel that I'm unlikely to bring any real illumination to issues like the crisis in Syria or the state of race relations in America in the two to three paragraphs I generally devote to an entry. Besides, I'm pretty sure serious journalists like Bill O'Reilly and Kathie Lee Gifford have those issues fully covered. But I am going to mention one serious item today because A) it is very much on my mind and B) it is probably going to impact programming here for a little while.
We lost my grandmother on Friday. It actually hurts just to type those words. She was a very special lady and we all loved her a lot. She lived through two world wars, a depression (and a half, now), and three sitcoms starring Kelsey Grammer. She worked at the courthouse for years and, in another era, would have been a judge, maybe even Judge Judy. She raised my mother, served as the fun grandmother who let us watch cartoons and made us chocolate chip cookies, and in recent years set to work ordering the affairs of her various home health care workers. At one point in her nineties, she killed a snake she found in her basement with a broom. She was a strong, smart, kind, and all around incredible lady. I can't tell you how much she will be missed.
And, in fact, I won't. As strange as it may sound from someone who shared the saga of his intestinal parasite in gory detail, I do still view some things as too personal and too painful to discuss. So as much as is possible, I'm going to try to keep on writing about more customary topics like weirdos on the train and Lifetime Television for Women. But I may just be sad and not post for a little while. I'll be back at some point, though. Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting off that easily.
It's not really my practice to bring up serious topics here on the blog; somehow I feel that I'm unlikely to bring any real illumination to issues like the crisis in Syria or the state of race relations in America in the two to three paragraphs I generally devote to an entry. Besides, I'm pretty sure serious journalists like Bill O'Reilly and Kathie Lee Gifford have those issues fully covered. But I am going to mention one serious item today because A) it is very much on my mind and B) it is probably going to impact programming here for a little while.
We lost my grandmother on Friday. It actually hurts just to type those words. She was a very special lady and we all loved her a lot. She lived through two world wars, a depression (and a half, now), and three sitcoms starring Kelsey Grammer. She worked at the courthouse for years and, in another era, would have been a judge, maybe even Judge Judy. She raised my mother, served as the fun grandmother who let us watch cartoons and made us chocolate chip cookies, and in recent years set to work ordering the affairs of her various home health care workers. At one point in her nineties, she killed a snake she found in her basement with a broom. She was a strong, smart, kind, and all around incredible lady. I can't tell you how much she will be missed.
And, in fact, I won't. As strange as it may sound from someone who shared the saga of his intestinal parasite in gory detail, I do still view some things as too personal and too painful to discuss. So as much as is possible, I'm going to try to keep on writing about more customary topics like weirdos on the train and Lifetime Television for Women. But I may just be sad and not post for a little while. I'll be back at some point, though. Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting off that easily.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Winner
I forgot to report a very exciting trivia win last Thursday. Well, I didn't so much forget as get a wee bit inebriated on the beer special and end up closing out the night at 1 AM at a Taco Bell. How a Doritos Taco Loco was not involved, I will never know.
But anyway, we won. Or came in second place, but it was really a moral victory, because the first place winners had cited "Dancing With The Stars" as a "game show" hosted by Tom Bergeron, which it is not. As anyone who has repeatedly watched the clip of Triumph The Insult Comic Dog on Hollywood Squares knows, THAT is the game show that was hosted by Tom Bergeron. But the trivia host gave them the point for that, and they only won by one point, so we knew we were the real winners. This reads like we're really pathetic and that sense is unlikely to improve in the next paragraph. Let's just say we're being ironically pathetic.
So our prize was a bottle of Skinnygirl Cucumber Vodka. It was the worst thing ever. I know this because some of my teammates decided to open it at the bar and start drinking it sans mixers. And it basically tasted like Carol Channing's clitoris. Bethenny can quote me on that in her promotional materials, if she wants. Although she'd better get approval from Carol's people as well.
Anyway, it was a moral victory, if not a victory in terms of actually winning or being given a prize worth receiving. Everyone knows that is the best kind.
I forgot to report a very exciting trivia win last Thursday. Well, I didn't so much forget as get a wee bit inebriated on the beer special and end up closing out the night at 1 AM at a Taco Bell. How a Doritos Taco Loco was not involved, I will never know.
But anyway, we won. Or came in second place, but it was really a moral victory, because the first place winners had cited "Dancing With The Stars" as a "game show" hosted by Tom Bergeron, which it is not. As anyone who has repeatedly watched the clip of Triumph The Insult Comic Dog on Hollywood Squares knows, THAT is the game show that was hosted by Tom Bergeron. But the trivia host gave them the point for that, and they only won by one point, so we knew we were the real winners. This reads like we're really pathetic and that sense is unlikely to improve in the next paragraph. Let's just say we're being ironically pathetic.
So our prize was a bottle of Skinnygirl Cucumber Vodka. It was the worst thing ever. I know this because some of my teammates decided to open it at the bar and start drinking it sans mixers. And it basically tasted like Carol Channing's clitoris. Bethenny can quote me on that in her promotional materials, if she wants. Although she'd better get approval from Carol's people as well.
Anyway, it was a moral victory, if not a victory in terms of actually winning or being given a prize worth receiving. Everyone knows that is the best kind.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Break Up
I have made no secret of the fact that I love my phone, in a way that is perhaps not entirely appropriate. It gives me something to do other than talk to strangers whenever I'm stuck waiting for something, it tells me what the weather is so I don't have to flip over to WGN in the morning and risk seeing actual news, and it is the home of my glorious tiny tower, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of any person ever in the entire history of time. But this weekend my phone and I have been in a fight.
You see, Saturday night there was a country music concert at Wrigley. This is of course horrifying in and of itself. But it also caused my phone to essentially kill itself, refusing to take or place any calls or texts. I could still get emails, sort of, but they were on a weird time delay. So I was essentially cut off from all communication with the outside world, with no indication of when I'd be able to once again function in society. If I hadn't been in a movie most of the night anyway, it would have been horrifying.
Which it actually was on Friday when the exact same thing happened due to the The Wall concert at Wrigley. I was trying to meet up with friends at a bar but instead ended up doing several creepy laps around some other bar they weren't actually in and having a number of phone "conversations" where I just kept shouting "sorry, my phone's messed up, I can't hear anything" at them. I ended up going home at 10:30 without having ever met my friends and going to bed. Which is frankly my normal Friday night plan anyway, but still, curse you, phone!
I have made no secret of the fact that I love my phone, in a way that is perhaps not entirely appropriate. It gives me something to do other than talk to strangers whenever I'm stuck waiting for something, it tells me what the weather is so I don't have to flip over to WGN in the morning and risk seeing actual news, and it is the home of my glorious tiny tower, which is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of any person ever in the entire history of time. But this weekend my phone and I have been in a fight.
You see, Saturday night there was a country music concert at Wrigley. This is of course horrifying in and of itself. But it also caused my phone to essentially kill itself, refusing to take or place any calls or texts. I could still get emails, sort of, but they were on a weird time delay. So I was essentially cut off from all communication with the outside world, with no indication of when I'd be able to once again function in society. If I hadn't been in a movie most of the night anyway, it would have been horrifying.
Which it actually was on Friday when the exact same thing happened due to the The Wall concert at Wrigley. I was trying to meet up with friends at a bar but instead ended up doing several creepy laps around some other bar they weren't actually in and having a number of phone "conversations" where I just kept shouting "sorry, my phone's messed up, I can't hear anything" at them. I ended up going home at 10:30 without having ever met my friends and going to bed. Which is frankly my normal Friday night plan anyway, but still, curse you, phone!
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Nut Job
As a general matter, I must say that I feel things have been going swimmingly at my new job. The hours are fantastic, to the point that I've actually had to relearn what it was that I used to do when I had a life outside my job. Monday night I went to Target and tonight I actually went to my kickboxing class on a weeknight. I get an hour for lunch and I am so not used to leaving my desk at lunch that I've spent the past couple of lunches just walking around downtown enjoying the nice weather. I have two genuine lunch dates coming up, though. And I won't even have to cancel them at the last minute.
Everyone is really nice and welcoming and several people have already come by just to chat. Not in that annoying way where you're trying to get something done and some idiot is just yammering at you, though; these have been legitimately pleasant, brief conversations. Plus we had a party for someone's birthday and someone else's hip replacement surgery yesterday morning, where there was not just cake but also cupcakes and donut holes. They say that all of the best parties are held in conference rooms and I am not inclined to disagree with them, whoever they are.
I am having a little bit of new job panic, though, I have to say. The thing is that it turns out I am not even really competent at this point. Though I've been litigating for almost ten years at this point, there is actually more than one kind of litigation, and this one is different. So I have a lot to learn. Plus I have to use WordPerfect and it keeps freezing up on me, as though it knows how I feel about it. Also I can't figure out how to get into my voicemail. This is me reminding myself not to panic.
As a general matter, I must say that I feel things have been going swimmingly at my new job. The hours are fantastic, to the point that I've actually had to relearn what it was that I used to do when I had a life outside my job. Monday night I went to Target and tonight I actually went to my kickboxing class on a weeknight. I get an hour for lunch and I am so not used to leaving my desk at lunch that I've spent the past couple of lunches just walking around downtown enjoying the nice weather. I have two genuine lunch dates coming up, though. And I won't even have to cancel them at the last minute.
Everyone is really nice and welcoming and several people have already come by just to chat. Not in that annoying way where you're trying to get something done and some idiot is just yammering at you, though; these have been legitimately pleasant, brief conversations. Plus we had a party for someone's birthday and someone else's hip replacement surgery yesterday morning, where there was not just cake but also cupcakes and donut holes. They say that all of the best parties are held in conference rooms and I am not inclined to disagree with them, whoever they are.
I am having a little bit of new job panic, though, I have to say. The thing is that it turns out I am not even really competent at this point. Though I've been litigating for almost ten years at this point, there is actually more than one kind of litigation, and this one is different. So I have a lot to learn. Plus I have to use WordPerfect and it keeps freezing up on me, as though it knows how I feel about it. Also I can't figure out how to get into my voicemail. This is me reminding myself not to panic.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Kill Whitey
I saw Snow White & Jon Huntsman this weekend. I had been curious about it for a long time because I really wanted to see what high-tech visual effects they were going to use to make Kristen Stewart somehow prettier than Charlize Theron, but no, she was just kind of there with that straggly hair and those two billboard-sized front teeth, sulking through everything. I mean, I would not have thought it would be possible to look vaguely bored while riding a horse into battle with an evil queen at top speed, but she pulled it off. It's hard to believe they found a less interesting, more Caucasian person than Kirsten Dunst; they really should have just called it White White & The Huntsman.
Anyway, Charlize Theron was fucking sick in it, so that was good. She took it over the top and then just a little bit over that for good measure. There's actual writhing around on the floor involved. I'm not sure if you've ever seen Mommie Dearest, but I do know that must have been an inspiration. As well as the complete filmography of Bette Midler, no doubt. Subtle it was not, but entertaining it was indeed.
It was not perhaps the most carefully scripted affair. Lots of CGI setpieces that were actually pretty well done, but very little in terms of character development and semi-realistic dialogue. Everyone keeps making all these speeches about how awesome Snow White is and how much they love her and you're kind of like "huh?" because you haven't seen them have more than fifteen seconds of conversation with her. It was the same confusion I felt when I found out that Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler were friends. And then at the end when (spoiler alert if you were never a child!) Snow White triumphs and is standing there in front of all of her loyal friends and well wishers, her big speech is literally saying nothing. And then finally one of the dwarfs is like "All hail Snow White!" or something just because it's totally awkward and he feels sorry for her. Dwarfs have an acute sense of social awkwardness.
Anyway, it was a movie and I saw it. And that's good enough for me.
I saw Snow White & Jon Huntsman this weekend. I had been curious about it for a long time because I really wanted to see what high-tech visual effects they were going to use to make Kristen Stewart somehow prettier than Charlize Theron, but no, she was just kind of there with that straggly hair and those two billboard-sized front teeth, sulking through everything. I mean, I would not have thought it would be possible to look vaguely bored while riding a horse into battle with an evil queen at top speed, but she pulled it off. It's hard to believe they found a less interesting, more Caucasian person than Kirsten Dunst; they really should have just called it White White & The Huntsman.
Anyway, Charlize Theron was fucking sick in it, so that was good. She took it over the top and then just a little bit over that for good measure. There's actual writhing around on the floor involved. I'm not sure if you've ever seen Mommie Dearest, but I do know that must have been an inspiration. As well as the complete filmography of Bette Midler, no doubt. Subtle it was not, but entertaining it was indeed.
It was not perhaps the most carefully scripted affair. Lots of CGI setpieces that were actually pretty well done, but very little in terms of character development and semi-realistic dialogue. Everyone keeps making all these speeches about how awesome Snow White is and how much they love her and you're kind of like "huh?" because you haven't seen them have more than fifteen seconds of conversation with her. It was the same confusion I felt when I found out that Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler were friends. And then at the end when (spoiler alert if you were never a child!) Snow White triumphs and is standing there in front of all of her loyal friends and well wishers, her big speech is literally saying nothing. And then finally one of the dwarfs is like "All hail Snow White!" or something just because it's totally awkward and he feels sorry for her. Dwarfs have an acute sense of social awkwardness.
Anyway, it was a movie and I saw it. And that's good enough for me.
