Friday, April 30, 2004
Friday Fun!
To give everyone a fun diversion for their Friday afternoon and at the same time share my immense wealth of psychological knowledge, I’ve drafted the following highly scientific personality test. Get out your number two pencils; scoring information follows the questions:
1. Two co-workers are having a dispute about, oh, I don’t know, let’s say office supplies. How do you respond?
A. Calmly explain that there are enough staples for everyone. Then remove all the staples from the supply closet and hoard them at your desk. Declare a state of martial law.
B. Side with each co-worker behind the other’s back. Then plant incriminating sexual photos in both of their cubicles and get them both fired.
C. Simply turn up your Celine Dion CD to drown out their bickering and float away on a cloud of sweet, sweet music.
D. Quit and pursue your dream of offering high-quality jazz dance instruction at a low, low price.
2. Your significant other wishes to end your relationship. What do you do?
A. Spend the next three months in the fetal position, screaming and crying, crying and screaming.
B. Maturely accept what you cannot avoid; begin spreading herpes rumors ASAP.
C. Consult your attorney about the finer points of vehicular manslaughter law.
D. Begin highly-publicized relationship with Jennifer Lopez; make really crappy movies.
3. If left alone for several hours, you are most likely to:
A. Read a book.
B. Watch television, generally something with Ed McMahon.
C. Consult your friends in the spirit world.
D. Self medicate.
4. You would most like others to describe you as:
A. Attractive
B. Nice
C. A streetwise hooker with a heart of gold
D. Ed McMahon
5. You receive a million dollars when your elderly Aunt Ethel passes away. What do you do?
A. Invest the money in a sensible interest-bearing no-load mutual fund; wait 40 years.
B. Spend the money to develop the Psychedelic Good Times Kitty Kat Jug Band in strict accordance with auntie’s last wishes.
C. Upgrade your trophy wife to this year’s model.
D. Convert the million to quarters and play Frogger until your hands fall off.
SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for each “A” answer, 2 points for each “B,” 3 for each “C,” and 4 points for each “D.” Subtract 10 points if you find the scoring somehow confusing, or if you watch Becker.
16-20 points: You really think pretty highly of yourself, huh? Pretty strange for someone whose last five relationships resulted in criminal charges. Oh, and P.S., if it’s with a chicken, it’s not a “relationship.”
11-15 points: You are just plain nuts. Yes, the voices in your head tell you differently, but they also tell you to root through Phylicia Rashad’s trash. So who are you going to believe?
6-10 points: You will die on Tuesday, June 28, 2005. On the plus side, you probably don’t need to watch what you eat so much any more.
1-5 points: You are incredibly gullible, and actually believe that answering vacuous multiple choice questions can tell you something about yourself. You probably also believe that Dr. Phil isn’t a robot. Good luck to you.
To give everyone a fun diversion for their Friday afternoon and at the same time share my immense wealth of psychological knowledge, I’ve drafted the following highly scientific personality test. Get out your number two pencils; scoring information follows the questions:
1. Two co-workers are having a dispute about, oh, I don’t know, let’s say office supplies. How do you respond?
A. Calmly explain that there are enough staples for everyone. Then remove all the staples from the supply closet and hoard them at your desk. Declare a state of martial law.
B. Side with each co-worker behind the other’s back. Then plant incriminating sexual photos in both of their cubicles and get them both fired.
C. Simply turn up your Celine Dion CD to drown out their bickering and float away on a cloud of sweet, sweet music.
D. Quit and pursue your dream of offering high-quality jazz dance instruction at a low, low price.
2. Your significant other wishes to end your relationship. What do you do?
A. Spend the next three months in the fetal position, screaming and crying, crying and screaming.
B. Maturely accept what you cannot avoid; begin spreading herpes rumors ASAP.
C. Consult your attorney about the finer points of vehicular manslaughter law.
D. Begin highly-publicized relationship with Jennifer Lopez; make really crappy movies.
3. If left alone for several hours, you are most likely to:
A. Read a book.
B. Watch television, generally something with Ed McMahon.
C. Consult your friends in the spirit world.
D. Self medicate.
4. You would most like others to describe you as:
A. Attractive
B. Nice
C. A streetwise hooker with a heart of gold
D. Ed McMahon
5. You receive a million dollars when your elderly Aunt Ethel passes away. What do you do?
A. Invest the money in a sensible interest-bearing no-load mutual fund; wait 40 years.
B. Spend the money to develop the Psychedelic Good Times Kitty Kat Jug Band in strict accordance with auntie’s last wishes.
C. Upgrade your trophy wife to this year’s model.
D. Convert the million to quarters and play Frogger until your hands fall off.
SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for each “A” answer, 2 points for each “B,” 3 for each “C,” and 4 points for each “D.” Subtract 10 points if you find the scoring somehow confusing, or if you watch Becker.
16-20 points: You really think pretty highly of yourself, huh? Pretty strange for someone whose last five relationships resulted in criminal charges. Oh, and P.S., if it’s with a chicken, it’s not a “relationship.”
11-15 points: You are just plain nuts. Yes, the voices in your head tell you differently, but they also tell you to root through Phylicia Rashad’s trash. So who are you going to believe?
6-10 points: You will die on Tuesday, June 28, 2005. On the plus side, you probably don’t need to watch what you eat so much any more.
1-5 points: You are incredibly gullible, and actually believe that answering vacuous multiple choice questions can tell you something about yourself. You probably also believe that Dr. Phil isn’t a robot. Good luck to you.
