Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Happy Birthday, America!
The Fourth of July is almost upon us, and I thought it would be a good time to share some modest suggestions for how to observe this most special of days:
– Rethinking decision to go with wooden dentures in honor of our founding fathers.
– Declaring independence from high prices at Dollar General Stores.
– Announcing that you’d like to show Betsy Ross some stars and stripes, if you know what I mean.
– Calling England to see if it might still want to get back together; getting nervous and hanging up when it answers the phone.
– Rehearsing cover of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” with cousin’s death metal band.
– Dumping tea in harbor; realizing you forgot to pick up the lemons.
– Trying to bring back “the three-cornered hat look.”
– Amending Constitution so that it applies only to you.
– Reenacting the Battle of Bunker Hill with your Care Bears; sobbing openly when Funshine Bear is bayoneted.
– Calling fireworks display “trite” and “overdone.”
– Reporting unpatriotic neighbors and friends to John Ashcroft.
– Exercising constitutional right to call your cousin Mabel stupid.
– Driving by and tossing firecrackers at that punk kid down the block who rides that moped around at all hours of the night.
The Fourth of July is almost upon us, and I thought it would be a good time to share some modest suggestions for how to observe this most special of days:
– Rethinking decision to go with wooden dentures in honor of our founding fathers.
– Declaring independence from high prices at Dollar General Stores.
– Announcing that you’d like to show Betsy Ross some stars and stripes, if you know what I mean.
– Calling England to see if it might still want to get back together; getting nervous and hanging up when it answers the phone.
– Rehearsing cover of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” with cousin’s death metal band.
– Dumping tea in harbor; realizing you forgot to pick up the lemons.
– Trying to bring back “the three-cornered hat look.”
– Amending Constitution so that it applies only to you.
– Reenacting the Battle of Bunker Hill with your Care Bears; sobbing openly when Funshine Bear is bayoneted.
– Calling fireworks display “trite” and “overdone.”
– Reporting unpatriotic neighbors and friends to John Ashcroft.
– Exercising constitutional right to call your cousin Mabel stupid.
– Driving by and tossing firecrackers at that punk kid down the block who rides that moped around at all hours of the night.
