Wednesday, July 21, 2004
A Chilling Vision of Things to Come
With the one hundredth post here at the blog only a day away, you might think we’d be drowning in nostalgia, reminiscing warmly about the post we did on how those Citibank commercials are annoying or that time we punched Hillary Duff. And sure, to be fair, we do have to pat ourselves on the backs for hating Nicole Kidman before it was cool. Not content to rest on our laurels, however, primarily because we’re not so completely sure what laurels are, we present this special look into future events in the life of the blog, sponsored by Ralston-Purina:
– A series of terrible guest hosts, including Kathie Lee Gifford, Jared from the Subway Commercials, and TV’s Urkel, drives the blog close to cancellation.
– The blog merges with FOX News and begins devoting 95% of its content to Clinton blow job stories.
– Image consultants attempt to make the blog more "young, hip, and urban;" OutKast references now outnumber Edith Wharton references almost two to one.
– The blog announces its engagement to a swarthy, unshaven, and unemployed "backup dancer," vehemently denying rumors that it is pregnant.
– We present a very special Christmas post, featuring the reanimated corpse of Bing Crosby, Kelly Osbourne as the Virgin Mary, and the three surviving original oompah-loompahs.
– The FCC fines the blog three million dollars after a special segment on the Janet Jackson piercings we didn’t see.
– The so-called "ghosts" haunting our server turn out to be nothing more than our cantankerous neighbor, Mr. Krinkle, and his tabby cat Minx.
– A shocking tell-all autobiography reveals that the blog once had a naughty dream about Don Johnson.
– In a surprising twist, the blog sweeps the MTV Movie Awards, taking trophies for Best Fight, Best Stream-of-Consciousness Rant about Reality Television, and Best Kiss (with Sarah Michelle Gellar).
– Brand new "theme weeks" are instituted and quickly cancelled after "Communicable Diseases Week" fails to, pardon the pun, "catch on."
– A shortage of bullet points causes the blog to fold.
See, there’s so much exciting stuff left to come!!!! Or if not exciting, at least overpunctuated!!!!
With the one hundredth post here at the blog only a day away, you might think we’d be drowning in nostalgia, reminiscing warmly about the post we did on how those Citibank commercials are annoying or that time we punched Hillary Duff. And sure, to be fair, we do have to pat ourselves on the backs for hating Nicole Kidman before it was cool. Not content to rest on our laurels, however, primarily because we’re not so completely sure what laurels are, we present this special look into future events in the life of the blog, sponsored by Ralston-Purina:
– A series of terrible guest hosts, including Kathie Lee Gifford, Jared from the Subway Commercials, and TV’s Urkel, drives the blog close to cancellation.
– The blog merges with FOX News and begins devoting 95% of its content to Clinton blow job stories.
– Image consultants attempt to make the blog more "young, hip, and urban;" OutKast references now outnumber Edith Wharton references almost two to one.
– The blog announces its engagement to a swarthy, unshaven, and unemployed "backup dancer," vehemently denying rumors that it is pregnant.
– We present a very special Christmas post, featuring the reanimated corpse of Bing Crosby, Kelly Osbourne as the Virgin Mary, and the three surviving original oompah-loompahs.
– The FCC fines the blog three million dollars after a special segment on the Janet Jackson piercings we didn’t see.
– The so-called "ghosts" haunting our server turn out to be nothing more than our cantankerous neighbor, Mr. Krinkle, and his tabby cat Minx.
– A shocking tell-all autobiography reveals that the blog once had a naughty dream about Don Johnson.
– In a surprising twist, the blog sweeps the MTV Movie Awards, taking trophies for Best Fight, Best Stream-of-Consciousness Rant about Reality Television, and Best Kiss (with Sarah Michelle Gellar).
– Brand new "theme weeks" are instituted and quickly cancelled after "Communicable Diseases Week" fails to, pardon the pun, "catch on."
– A shortage of bullet points causes the blog to fold.
See, there’s so much exciting stuff left to come!!!! Or if not exciting, at least overpunctuated!!!!
