Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Election Preview 2004!
Is it wrong that I'm secretly (or not so secretly, now, I suppose) hoping that Dan Rather will have a massive on-air breakdown during tonight's election returns? Just think, wouldn't it be awesome if he declared that Florida's electoral votes went to Donny Osmond and then started speaking in tongues? Or freaked out and bit one of the correspondents, preferably Hannah Storm? Or maybe he'll just start calling all the other anchors names, like "Robot Boy" for Tom Brokaw or "Bad Hair McGee" for Peter Jennings. (They're not my bad nicknames, they're Rather's. I'm trying to get inside his head, see? Amateurs.) I mean, he's on his way out, anyway, right? Might as well get drunk on air and take your top off while calling Kansas for Bush.
Supposedly they're not calling the states based on exit polls, though, right? (Fun that I keep asking questions as though someone will answer me.) That'll make for compelling viewing -- "And with regard to the state of Iowa, we can now announce, with some certainty, that both candidates have bad hair yet are worth more money than anyone we know." "And the state of Florida goes to . . . tens of thousands of old people who eat dinner at 3 PM and still complain that Murder, She Wrote went off the air." I can't wait.
I'm still kind of hoping for a surprise ending, though. Maybe my write-in campaign will succeed and The Little Mermaid will become President. I mean, come on, it's not like Bush or Kerry can pull off a seashell bra.
Is it wrong that I'm secretly (or not so secretly, now, I suppose) hoping that Dan Rather will have a massive on-air breakdown during tonight's election returns? Just think, wouldn't it be awesome if he declared that Florida's electoral votes went to Donny Osmond and then started speaking in tongues? Or freaked out and bit one of the correspondents, preferably Hannah Storm? Or maybe he'll just start calling all the other anchors names, like "Robot Boy" for Tom Brokaw or "Bad Hair McGee" for Peter Jennings. (They're not my bad nicknames, they're Rather's. I'm trying to get inside his head, see? Amateurs.) I mean, he's on his way out, anyway, right? Might as well get drunk on air and take your top off while calling Kansas for Bush.
Supposedly they're not calling the states based on exit polls, though, right? (Fun that I keep asking questions as though someone will answer me.) That'll make for compelling viewing -- "And with regard to the state of Iowa, we can now announce, with some certainty, that both candidates have bad hair yet are worth more money than anyone we know." "And the state of Florida goes to . . . tens of thousands of old people who eat dinner at 3 PM and still complain that Murder, She Wrote went off the air." I can't wait.
I'm still kind of hoping for a surprise ending, though. Maybe my write-in campaign will succeed and The Little Mermaid will become President. I mean, come on, it's not like Bush or Kerry can pull off a seashell bra.
