Monday, July 04, 2005
Red, White, and You
It's America's birthday and I have no idea what to get her. I feel like some cosmetic surgery to remove those unsightly red states would be beneficial, but she's probably sensitive about her appearance, especially since she's begun drooping a little in the Great Plains area, if you know what I mean. Handmade gifts are nice, but practically everything I could think of would involve a certain amount of raping and pillaging of her natural resources, which is sort of a turnoff. I'd give her cash, but she'd probably just spend it on toys. I guess I'll just settle for an e-card. Who doesn't love an e-card?
Spent the third of July, which is really the busier day in Chicago, for some reason, on my friend's boat watching the fireworks. As in we never actually left the slip but mainly stood around on the dock drinking from the keg and eating generic brand sour cream & onion potato chips. It was pretty fun. My friend had to pee so bad he couldn't wait in the portajohn line and had to pee in a cup, which was fairly hilarious. And a girl fell into the water, which made certainly one of the top five awesome noises of all time. (She wasn't hurt. If she had been, it would have been so, so wrong to make fun of her.) People clapped for the fireworks, which is one of my favorite positive expressions of human nature, and careless parents allowed their children to pilot tiny inflatable watercraft in the harbor. Oh, and I brought store-bought cotton candy in a tub. Could there be anything more American?
It's America's birthday and I have no idea what to get her. I feel like some cosmetic surgery to remove those unsightly red states would be beneficial, but she's probably sensitive about her appearance, especially since she's begun drooping a little in the Great Plains area, if you know what I mean. Handmade gifts are nice, but practically everything I could think of would involve a certain amount of raping and pillaging of her natural resources, which is sort of a turnoff. I'd give her cash, but she'd probably just spend it on toys. I guess I'll just settle for an e-card. Who doesn't love an e-card?
Spent the third of July, which is really the busier day in Chicago, for some reason, on my friend's boat watching the fireworks. As in we never actually left the slip but mainly stood around on the dock drinking from the keg and eating generic brand sour cream & onion potato chips. It was pretty fun. My friend had to pee so bad he couldn't wait in the portajohn line and had to pee in a cup, which was fairly hilarious. And a girl fell into the water, which made certainly one of the top five awesome noises of all time. (She wasn't hurt. If she had been, it would have been so, so wrong to make fun of her.) People clapped for the fireworks, which is one of my favorite positive expressions of human nature, and careless parents allowed their children to pilot tiny inflatable watercraft in the harbor. Oh, and I brought store-bought cotton candy in a tub. Could there be anything more American?
