Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Feel Good Hit of the Summer
For some time, I have been meaning to fill you all in on a great little TV show called Honey, We're Killing the Kids. It follows the exploits of an insanely condescending, fun-loathing "medical nutritionist" who travels across the country projecting her own lack-of-prom-date-related issues on to unsuspecting parents and talking with her hands. Forcing three-year-olds to eat asparagus and convincing soccer moms that they're bad people if their children use the wrong forks at the dinner table, she furrows her brow and purses her lips to the stunning emotional effect of a soap opera actress (let's say Deidre Hall) fresh off a weeklong botox jag. It's a tour de force performance of the type that would clearly win Hilary Swank (who, remember, is not a man) several Oscars.
But the best part of the show is where they use "advanced computer technology" (i.e. Photoshop) to show parents how their kids will look at forty if they don't somehow miraculously stop eating Gummi Worms and playing X-Box all day in the intervening thirty years. The answer, essentially, is like Dennis Franz. Every kid ends up with thirty or forty extra pounds, a completely unconvincing combover, and inexplicable facial hair. I also love that the computer apparently can discern that the child, once grown, will only wear soiled white t-shirts and will never, ever smile.
"He looks so unhappy," the parents invariably say.
Of course, they mock up the best case scenario, too, for those parents who agree to completely subjugate their own wills to that of the good doctor. Those kids at least smile and have recognizable facial features, although they still apparently shop at Chess King.
I need to steal me some children so I can be on this show.
For some time, I have been meaning to fill you all in on a great little TV show called Honey, We're Killing the Kids. It follows the exploits of an insanely condescending, fun-loathing "medical nutritionist" who travels across the country projecting her own lack-of-prom-date-related issues on to unsuspecting parents and talking with her hands. Forcing three-year-olds to eat asparagus and convincing soccer moms that they're bad people if their children use the wrong forks at the dinner table, she furrows her brow and purses her lips to the stunning emotional effect of a soap opera actress (let's say Deidre Hall) fresh off a weeklong botox jag. It's a tour de force performance of the type that would clearly win Hilary Swank (who, remember, is not a man) several Oscars.
But the best part of the show is where they use "advanced computer technology" (i.e. Photoshop) to show parents how their kids will look at forty if they don't somehow miraculously stop eating Gummi Worms and playing X-Box all day in the intervening thirty years. The answer, essentially, is like Dennis Franz. Every kid ends up with thirty or forty extra pounds, a completely unconvincing combover, and inexplicable facial hair. I also love that the computer apparently can discern that the child, once grown, will only wear soiled white t-shirts and will never, ever smile.
"He looks so unhappy," the parents invariably say.
Of course, they mock up the best case scenario, too, for those parents who agree to completely subjugate their own wills to that of the good doctor. Those kids at least smile and have recognizable facial features, although they still apparently shop at Chess King.
I need to steal me some children so I can be on this show.
