Sunday, August 18, 2013
View From The Top
I just realized that we're three episodes in to America's Next Top Model (or ANTM, as busy, important people such as ourselves tend to call it) and I haven't yet commented. This season is, of course, a confusing new world, in that Tyra has only recent realized that male models exist and that she would like to hit on them. So now we have well-defined gentlemen with bad skin and odd, angular faces to go along with the sad, strange female specimens that Tyra routinely digs up for us to gawk at. I was sort of afraid that this would ruin the show, as much of my enjoyment in past years had come from the Mean Girls moments that seemed to stem from having locked fourteen 18-25 year old ladies in a small living space for an extended period of time with limited feeding. But it turns out that the presence of men does not prevent these particular women from wanting to kill each other, and in fact we now have the delightful added element of awkward flirting. Or at least I think it's flirting; some of these people may just be mentally ill.
Anyway, a few notes on this cycle's hopefuls:
Don -- Constantly informs us he's also a rapper, so that's good. And Tyra decided his makeover should cause him to resemble Chris Brown, because is there anyone America loves more than Chris Brown? Good judgment all around here.
Phil -- One additional bonus of having men on the show? The potential for bizarre facial hair, which Phil has elevated to an art. Not sure if Phil is actually on something or just wants us to think he's on something, but either way, it's magical television.
Kanani -- I really just love the name Kanani. I didn't know it was a name before now, but it really works for me.
Mike -- Tyra discovered this guy in a ice cream truck, and who wants to bet she discovered her weight in Dove Bars as well? I think his photos tend to come across like he's a foreign exchange student who doesn't know enough English to ask where the bathroom is, but maybe that's just me.
Nina -- Another one of these "unconventional beauties" Tyra likes to dredge up. I would say that I think her face looks a bit like someone's been sharpening it, but I'm afraid Tyra will send me to one of her reeducation camps.
Jourdan -- First of all, what the fuck is that "u" doing in her name? I'm sure her parents thought it was cute, but it just doomed her to a lifetime of spelling it for customer service representatives. Beyond that, I do think she's pretty, but just like your Aunt Linda, she needs to stop talking about her failed marriage.
Jeremy -- Of course there's always one who leads with the Christianity, as though Jesus is really into rigging the results of televised amateur modeling competitions. You've got to give these guys credit for being ready with their stock reality show characters from day one, though. ANTM has been boiled down to its purest elements over the years.
Marvin -- Really, really, really wants us to know how much he likes the ladies. Which is a lot. Like hardcore. He wants to give it to them so good.
So that's the rundown. Think of it as my gift to you, and of course Tyra.
I just realized that we're three episodes in to America's Next Top Model (or ANTM, as busy, important people such as ourselves tend to call it) and I haven't yet commented. This season is, of course, a confusing new world, in that Tyra has only recent realized that male models exist and that she would like to hit on them. So now we have well-defined gentlemen with bad skin and odd, angular faces to go along with the sad, strange female specimens that Tyra routinely digs up for us to gawk at. I was sort of afraid that this would ruin the show, as much of my enjoyment in past years had come from the Mean Girls moments that seemed to stem from having locked fourteen 18-25 year old ladies in a small living space for an extended period of time with limited feeding. But it turns out that the presence of men does not prevent these particular women from wanting to kill each other, and in fact we now have the delightful added element of awkward flirting. Or at least I think it's flirting; some of these people may just be mentally ill.
Anyway, a few notes on this cycle's hopefuls:
Don -- Constantly informs us he's also a rapper, so that's good. And Tyra decided his makeover should cause him to resemble Chris Brown, because is there anyone America loves more than Chris Brown? Good judgment all around here.
Phil -- One additional bonus of having men on the show? The potential for bizarre facial hair, which Phil has elevated to an art. Not sure if Phil is actually on something or just wants us to think he's on something, but either way, it's magical television.
Kanani -- I really just love the name Kanani. I didn't know it was a name before now, but it really works for me.
Mike -- Tyra discovered this guy in a ice cream truck, and who wants to bet she discovered her weight in Dove Bars as well? I think his photos tend to come across like he's a foreign exchange student who doesn't know enough English to ask where the bathroom is, but maybe that's just me.
Nina -- Another one of these "unconventional beauties" Tyra likes to dredge up. I would say that I think her face looks a bit like someone's been sharpening it, but I'm afraid Tyra will send me to one of her reeducation camps.
Jourdan -- First of all, what the fuck is that "u" doing in her name? I'm sure her parents thought it was cute, but it just doomed her to a lifetime of spelling it for customer service representatives. Beyond that, I do think she's pretty, but just like your Aunt Linda, she needs to stop talking about her failed marriage.
Jeremy -- Of course there's always one who leads with the Christianity, as though Jesus is really into rigging the results of televised amateur modeling competitions. You've got to give these guys credit for being ready with their stock reality show characters from day one, though. ANTM has been boiled down to its purest elements over the years.
Marvin -- Really, really, really wants us to know how much he likes the ladies. Which is a lot. Like hardcore. He wants to give it to them so good.
So that's the rundown. Think of it as my gift to you, and of course Tyra.
