Monday, December 28, 2015
Silent, Holy
Had a nice, relaxing Christmas this year. Since my mother is (largely) local now, there was no travel involved. And since it was just me and her and more beagles than could reasonably be deemed necessary, there was no real entertaining involved. Mainly we just binge watched and ate. We did have a minor crisis when we discovered how few options there were to order delivery from on Christmas Eve, but we rebounded by making our Christmas brunch for dinner that night. Hollandaise, as it turns out, fixes everything.
This was the first year, well, ever that I have not spent my holiday in Quincy. It was a bit weird, but actually pretty good. It turns out I really like the city when almost no one else is in it. And I got a huge dose of small town Christmas from the Hallmark Channel, anyway. The fictional version starring Shenae Grimes is much, much better.
Now I'm back at work, but only for a few days. Turns out I have to use my personal days before year end or I lose them. So I guess I'll just have another four-day weekend. It is so hard to be me.
Had a nice, relaxing Christmas this year. Since my mother is (largely) local now, there was no travel involved. And since it was just me and her and more beagles than could reasonably be deemed necessary, there was no real entertaining involved. Mainly we just binge watched and ate. We did have a minor crisis when we discovered how few options there were to order delivery from on Christmas Eve, but we rebounded by making our Christmas brunch for dinner that night. Hollandaise, as it turns out, fixes everything.
This was the first year, well, ever that I have not spent my holiday in Quincy. It was a bit weird, but actually pretty good. It turns out I really like the city when almost no one else is in it. And I got a huge dose of small town Christmas from the Hallmark Channel, anyway. The fictional version starring Shenae Grimes is much, much better.
Now I'm back at work, but only for a few days. Turns out I have to use my personal days before year end or I lose them. So I guess I'll just have another four-day weekend. It is so hard to be me.
Friday, December 25, 2015
Happy Holidays!
Really accomplished writers – the Dan Browns and Leah Reminis of the world, if you will – often speak of their “writing processes,” which generally seem to involve adorably distressed-looking roll top desks and locales rustic enough that you might run into a ferret or something but not so rustic that you won’t have easy access to a T.G.I. Friday’s. My own process, I must admit, is not quite so much like something you might see in a Pottery Barn Teen catalogue. Typically I climb into my favorite Pajama Jeans, eat an entire bag of Funyuns, and stare blankly at my laptop, pausing only occasionally to google what Willa Ford is up to these days (being fired from the set of a movie based on a video game, thank you very much) or whether Dennis Franz is still alive (mostly). From time to time I type and then erase some hilarious observation about a certain Real Housewife’s battle with Lyme Disease or the way strangers accidentally dry hump you on the train. I flip on the television, since obviously all that is lacking is a little inspiration from Candace Cameron-Bure’s masterpiece of understated psychological realism, Christmas Under Wraps. And then ultimately I write the whole thing in about ten minutes immediately before it absolutely has to go out (or my entire family will be murdered, assuming my life has become a Liam Neeson action thriller). Clearly, I am never going to be Ernest Hemingway, which is too bad, because I already had my descent into alcoholism and madness all planned out.
And speaking of madness (do they give out Cable ACE Awards for transitions?), it’s been kind of a crazy year. I’m not just talking about the fact that our political discourse has been reduced to the level where that guy who stands outside the Daley Center blowing a whistle and wearing a sign that says “The FBI Raped Me Daily” now seems like a viable presidential candidate. The biggest movie of the year was basically the biggest movie of 1993, but with more Bryce Dallas Howard. Hillary Clinton’s email generated more excitement than any electronic communication since I got that amazing business opportunity from that Nigerian prince. Pope Francis visited the United States, but not EPCOT Center, which is boring. And same sex marriage became legal nationwide, although as I understand it, repeatedly asking same-sex couples when they plan to finally tie the knot remains punishable by death.
In the midst of all this madness, my own life thankfully remained relatively stable. I’m still working for the Attorney General’s office, because the thrill of trying to avoid accidentally looking at photographs of horrific gunshot wounds never wears off. Ian and I still live in Wrigleyville, Chicago’s number one source for questionably-themed bar crawls and disappointment. In April, we adopted an adorable yet impressively neurotic beagle from a local rescue organization, furthering our lifelong quest to ensure there is no surface in the condo that has not yet been soaked in urine. In June, we welcomed our first nephew, Jack, who is incredible at tummy time but admittedly seems confused by some of my more obscure pop culture references. We also traveled to Spain, where we thrilled at the artistry of Gaudi and Goya, as well as the fact that Spanish McDonald’s serve mayonnaise with their French fries. It is such a big world, and yet I remain undeniably the single most important part of it.
I kid, of course. It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s world; we’re all just waiting to inevitably turn on her in it. Until then, let’s all have fantastic holidays and great 2016s, even though it turns out Santa is pretty much a dirty communist.
Really accomplished writers – the Dan Browns and Leah Reminis of the world, if you will – often speak of their “writing processes,” which generally seem to involve adorably distressed-looking roll top desks and locales rustic enough that you might run into a ferret or something but not so rustic that you won’t have easy access to a T.G.I. Friday’s. My own process, I must admit, is not quite so much like something you might see in a Pottery Barn Teen catalogue. Typically I climb into my favorite Pajama Jeans, eat an entire bag of Funyuns, and stare blankly at my laptop, pausing only occasionally to google what Willa Ford is up to these days (being fired from the set of a movie based on a video game, thank you very much) or whether Dennis Franz is still alive (mostly). From time to time I type and then erase some hilarious observation about a certain Real Housewife’s battle with Lyme Disease or the way strangers accidentally dry hump you on the train. I flip on the television, since obviously all that is lacking is a little inspiration from Candace Cameron-Bure’s masterpiece of understated psychological realism, Christmas Under Wraps. And then ultimately I write the whole thing in about ten minutes immediately before it absolutely has to go out (or my entire family will be murdered, assuming my life has become a Liam Neeson action thriller). Clearly, I am never going to be Ernest Hemingway, which is too bad, because I already had my descent into alcoholism and madness all planned out.
And speaking of madness (do they give out Cable ACE Awards for transitions?), it’s been kind of a crazy year. I’m not just talking about the fact that our political discourse has been reduced to the level where that guy who stands outside the Daley Center blowing a whistle and wearing a sign that says “The FBI Raped Me Daily” now seems like a viable presidential candidate. The biggest movie of the year was basically the biggest movie of 1993, but with more Bryce Dallas Howard. Hillary Clinton’s email generated more excitement than any electronic communication since I got that amazing business opportunity from that Nigerian prince. Pope Francis visited the United States, but not EPCOT Center, which is boring. And same sex marriage became legal nationwide, although as I understand it, repeatedly asking same-sex couples when they plan to finally tie the knot remains punishable by death.
In the midst of all this madness, my own life thankfully remained relatively stable. I’m still working for the Attorney General’s office, because the thrill of trying to avoid accidentally looking at photographs of horrific gunshot wounds never wears off. Ian and I still live in Wrigleyville, Chicago’s number one source for questionably-themed bar crawls and disappointment. In April, we adopted an adorable yet impressively neurotic beagle from a local rescue organization, furthering our lifelong quest to ensure there is no surface in the condo that has not yet been soaked in urine. In June, we welcomed our first nephew, Jack, who is incredible at tummy time but admittedly seems confused by some of my more obscure pop culture references. We also traveled to Spain, where we thrilled at the artistry of Gaudi and Goya, as well as the fact that Spanish McDonald’s serve mayonnaise with their French fries. It is such a big world, and yet I remain undeniably the single most important part of it.
I kid, of course. It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s world; we’re all just waiting to inevitably turn on her in it. Until then, let’s all have fantastic holidays and great 2016s, even though it turns out Santa is pretty much a dirty communist.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Pier One
Last night I took my mother to Navy Pier. Before you condemn me too fiercely for that statement, let me clarify that we had tickets to the Shakespeare Theater. But of course we made time to have some $15 hot dogs in the food court beforehand. The Ferris wheel has been dismantled so they can build a slightly larger Ferris wheel, however, so it was out of the question. Which is too bad, because I've had some truly excellent panic attacks there.
The Pier is undergoing a bit of a renovation which, judging by the results so far, is designed to make it look like an Urban Outfitters that just happens to be filled with screaming children demanding novelty license plates. Everything is very grey and industrial-looking, in stark contrast to the rows of bright orange garage doors that used to populate the place. And it appears that most of the trinket shops you couldn't believe anyone every actually patronized have now been downgraded to pushcarts outside the IMAX theater. Which is good, because waiting in line for a movie isn't nearly irritating enough as things stand.
The show itself was quite good. It was a translation/adaptation of a French play from slightly after the era of Moliere. And therefore slightly before the era of Dane Cook. It was all in verse, which I find enjoyable; it's really a shame they didn't do more episodes of Murphy Brown that way. And the acting was great -- one of the leads used to play Rachel's boss at Bloomingdale's on Friends! If that doesn't just say it all, then I really don't know what can.
Last night I took my mother to Navy Pier. Before you condemn me too fiercely for that statement, let me clarify that we had tickets to the Shakespeare Theater. But of course we made time to have some $15 hot dogs in the food court beforehand. The Ferris wheel has been dismantled so they can build a slightly larger Ferris wheel, however, so it was out of the question. Which is too bad, because I've had some truly excellent panic attacks there.
The Pier is undergoing a bit of a renovation which, judging by the results so far, is designed to make it look like an Urban Outfitters that just happens to be filled with screaming children demanding novelty license plates. Everything is very grey and industrial-looking, in stark contrast to the rows of bright orange garage doors that used to populate the place. And it appears that most of the trinket shops you couldn't believe anyone every actually patronized have now been downgraded to pushcarts outside the IMAX theater. Which is good, because waiting in line for a movie isn't nearly irritating enough as things stand.
The show itself was quite good. It was a translation/adaptation of a French play from slightly after the era of Moliere. And therefore slightly before the era of Dane Cook. It was all in verse, which I find enjoyable; it's really a shame they didn't do more episodes of Murphy Brown that way. And the acting was great -- one of the leads used to play Rachel's boss at Bloomingdale's on Friends! If that doesn't just say it all, then I really don't know what can.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
There Isn't Enough Bedazzle in the State of Ohio to Save These Costumes
That's an actual line spoken by a purported human being in the Mariah Carey Hallmark movie that debuted last night, "A Christmas Melody." The movie not only starred Mariah Carey as a mean girl PTA president who was perpetually filmed through a thick layer of gauze, but also was directed by Mariah Carey. I assume this means that Mariah herself signed off on casting Lacey Chabert, who is thirteen years younger than her, as her former high school classmate. Let's now recall that Lacey Chabert was a child television star on Party of Five well after Mariah had already made it big as a fully adult singer and crazy person. To be fair, I'm pretty sure Chabert was grown up by the time Mariah hit it big on the Home Shopping Network, though.
The movie also features the music of Mariah Carey and, presumably, lighting and set design by Mariah Carey, featuring makeup and wig work by Mariah Carey. It was followed, and I am not making this up, by an hour long Christmas special hosted by Mariah Carey, in which Kelsey Grammer read "The Night Before Christmas" and all of Mariah's contractually-obligated friends from "A Christmas Melody" stopped by to celebrate. It was a big night of Mariah.
Somewhere a huge wave of relief is sweeping over Nick Cannon right now.
That's an actual line spoken by a purported human being in the Mariah Carey Hallmark movie that debuted last night, "A Christmas Melody." The movie not only starred Mariah Carey as a mean girl PTA president who was perpetually filmed through a thick layer of gauze, but also was directed by Mariah Carey. I assume this means that Mariah herself signed off on casting Lacey Chabert, who is thirteen years younger than her, as her former high school classmate. Let's now recall that Lacey Chabert was a child television star on Party of Five well after Mariah had already made it big as a fully adult singer and crazy person. To be fair, I'm pretty sure Chabert was grown up by the time Mariah hit it big on the Home Shopping Network, though.
The movie also features the music of Mariah Carey and, presumably, lighting and set design by Mariah Carey, featuring makeup and wig work by Mariah Carey. It was followed, and I am not making this up, by an hour long Christmas special hosted by Mariah Carey, in which Kelsey Grammer read "The Night Before Christmas" and all of Mariah's contractually-obligated friends from "A Christmas Melody" stopped by to celebrate. It was a big night of Mariah.
Somewhere a huge wave of relief is sweeping over Nick Cannon right now.
Monday, December 14, 2015
I Have a New Hobby
And it's reading the IMDB comments on terrible TV movies. It's an amazing thing, first of all, that anyone would take the time to write a comment about a TV movie that probably took as long to make as it takes to write a comment. But beyond that, the comments are wonderful windows into some very strange psyches. For example, here's part of a comment on "Web of Desire," a Lifetime movie starring a woman who once guest starred on Friends as Joey's love interest:
Web of Desire is a typical Lifetime movie; I really wished it didn't end so abruptly. It showed Beth and Jake rescuing Finn from a car accident at the end of the movie, but I was wondering how Beth would end up sorting things out at work with Brian, Friedman and Massey. Lifetime movies always end without closing the whole plot, but this one annoyed me that way. If I were the script writer though I'd have finished the whole story. Was Finn arrested for her harassment of Beth? Did Beth patch things up with Brian Doyle? How did Beth explain things to her kids? Did she ever thank Jamie for the help he gave her in catching Finn? Was Beth able to get Dr. Friedman's trust back after he caught her in her office watching Finn's sick DVD? There are so many unanswered questions at the end of this movie that it's very frustrating; I'm only giving it 7/10 stars for that.
* * *
Seriously, so many unanswered questions! What did Beth do the day after the harassment ended? What is Dr. Friedman's home life like? Has he seen any good movies lately?
And then there's this gem discussing the Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez classic, "Holiday in Handcuffs," which inexplicably has attracted thirty comments:
Maybe it's just me, but I absolutely loved this movie, I loved Melissa in Sabrina The Teenage Witch, and Mario is such a cutie (love the dimples). The ending was predictable, but I didn't care, I love happy endings. I didn't like Melissa's hair at the beginning, but throughout it, it was looking up. I loved the storyline and have never seen any of the other movies people have posted on here, so I don't have anything to complain about. It was the first Christmas movie that I have watched, that made me laugh since the Christmas season has started. I loved the grandma, she cracked me up! I also loved when David realized that he was starting to like Trudy, It just proves that it doesn't matter what you do or who you are, love can always be where you least expect, even if it is a wild and crazy way. At least you will have a great story to tell!
* * *
The "what you do" that doesn't matter in this case is kidnapping at gunpoint. But enough about that, let's talk about her hair!
And finally here are a few excerpts from reviews of "Unstable," starring Shiri Appleby, who I had never heard of until I saw "Unstable:"
After a while, things are happening in such rapid succession that you begin to wonder that all is not kosher with the newlyweds. What's going on with the blouse, the cell keys, the phone, emailing private business to others, and all other sorts of mayhem?
Kathy Baker stars as our victim's mother. She does the best she can with a script that really limits her role.
Recommended viewing strictly for those who have something better to do while they're watching -- like doing the dishes or scraping bubble gum off the floor.
The film never manages to be even average though.
* * *
I could do this all day!
And it's reading the IMDB comments on terrible TV movies. It's an amazing thing, first of all, that anyone would take the time to write a comment about a TV movie that probably took as long to make as it takes to write a comment. But beyond that, the comments are wonderful windows into some very strange psyches. For example, here's part of a comment on "Web of Desire," a Lifetime movie starring a woman who once guest starred on Friends as Joey's love interest:
Web of Desire is a typical Lifetime movie; I really wished it didn't end so abruptly. It showed Beth and Jake rescuing Finn from a car accident at the end of the movie, but I was wondering how Beth would end up sorting things out at work with Brian, Friedman and Massey. Lifetime movies always end without closing the whole plot, but this one annoyed me that way. If I were the script writer though I'd have finished the whole story. Was Finn arrested for her harassment of Beth? Did Beth patch things up with Brian Doyle? How did Beth explain things to her kids? Did she ever thank Jamie for the help he gave her in catching Finn? Was Beth able to get Dr. Friedman's trust back after he caught her in her office watching Finn's sick DVD? There are so many unanswered questions at the end of this movie that it's very frustrating; I'm only giving it 7/10 stars for that.
* * *
Seriously, so many unanswered questions! What did Beth do the day after the harassment ended? What is Dr. Friedman's home life like? Has he seen any good movies lately?
And then there's this gem discussing the Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez classic, "Holiday in Handcuffs," which inexplicably has attracted thirty comments:
Maybe it's just me, but I absolutely loved this movie, I loved Melissa in Sabrina The Teenage Witch, and Mario is such a cutie (love the dimples). The ending was predictable, but I didn't care, I love happy endings. I didn't like Melissa's hair at the beginning, but throughout it, it was looking up. I loved the storyline and have never seen any of the other movies people have posted on here, so I don't have anything to complain about. It was the first Christmas movie that I have watched, that made me laugh since the Christmas season has started. I loved the grandma, she cracked me up! I also loved when David realized that he was starting to like Trudy, It just proves that it doesn't matter what you do or who you are, love can always be where you least expect, even if it is a wild and crazy way. At least you will have a great story to tell!
* * *
The "what you do" that doesn't matter in this case is kidnapping at gunpoint. But enough about that, let's talk about her hair!
And finally here are a few excerpts from reviews of "Unstable," starring Shiri Appleby, who I had never heard of until I saw "Unstable:"
After a while, things are happening in such rapid succession that you begin to wonder that all is not kosher with the newlyweds. What's going on with the blouse, the cell keys, the phone, emailing private business to others, and all other sorts of mayhem?
Kathy Baker stars as our victim's mother. She does the best she can with a script that really limits her role.
Recommended viewing strictly for those who have something better to do while they're watching -- like doing the dishes or scraping bubble gum off the floor.
The film never manages to be even average though.
* * *
I could do this all day!
Monday, December 07, 2015
The Business of Show
I just finished the run of my annual show for lawyers. You may question whether such a thing should exist, but you can't that it does, thanks to the following photographic evidence.
Gentle warmups and a visit from the muse of dance.
Fancy dressing rooms, complete with mirrors and such.
This is a world of many a wig.
Type casting, naturally.
After hours magic, or something.
I just finished the run of my annual show for lawyers. You may question whether such a thing should exist, but you can't that it does, thanks to the following photographic evidence.
Gentle warmups and a visit from the muse of dance.
Fancy dressing rooms, complete with mirrors and such.
This is a world of many a wig.
Type casting, naturally.
After hours magic, or something.
