Sunday, January 28, 2018
Golden Grams
The Grammys are tonight. I'm not really planning to watch them, but I might, depending on what Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is serving up. I can't really be bothered to check. But I can be bothered to make some ironclad predictions based on my knowledge of roughly 1/3 of the nominees in any given category.
Record of the Year: Bing, the search engine that my computer keeps making my default over my intense objection, predicts this one will go to Despacito, and who am I to argue with that? I'm assuming this is an award for being a song that you can never, ever get out of your head, short of by, say, stabbing yourself with an icepick.
Album of the Year: I always forget how this one is different from Record of the Year, but I'm going with Lorde's Melodrama, because I thought her first album was hella boring, but that one song off this one was kind of my jam. And if you think my reasoning is any less sound than your average Grammy voter's, you're kidding yourself.
Song of the Year: Okay, wait. How is this different from the first two? Anyway, my pal Bing is going with something I've never heard of that's a 1-800 number, but I'm going to give it to Bruno Mars, because even thought I hate him for no real reason, I feel like he's going through something right now, based on the cover art.
Best New Artist: Can I just say Jessica Simpson? I know she's not nominated, but she could definitely use the career boost.
Best Pop Vocal Album: I legitimately want Kesha for this one, because even though she seems like that friend you realize you have nothing to talk to about when you're not drunk, I'm never mad when she shows up on my iTunes. I do want her to bring the dollar sign back, though.
Best Pop Performance: Anyone but Ed Sheeran. He's like if Troll dolls became sentient and oddly self satisfied.
Pop Duo/Group Performance: Good lord there are a lot of categories here. I'm going with Feel it Still by Portugal. The Man solely based on cover art.
Best R&B Song: Bing is giving it to Bruno Mars, and given how much Grammy voters seem to love non-threatening black people, I can't disagree.
Best R&B Performance: Bruno Mars again. Which is probably what people will be saying all night. Along with "wait, seriously, there are still more categories?"
Best R&B Album: Ok, really, Grammys, you need to get over yourself here. It's like you're trying to make sure everyone gets an award, except for like Snoop, since you've made your feelings about him clear. Enough with the categories already.
Tune in to the Grammys tonight on CBS! Or don't! I actually don't care at all either way!
The Grammys are tonight. I'm not really planning to watch them, but I might, depending on what Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is serving up. I can't really be bothered to check. But I can be bothered to make some ironclad predictions based on my knowledge of roughly 1/3 of the nominees in any given category.
Record of the Year: Bing, the search engine that my computer keeps making my default over my intense objection, predicts this one will go to Despacito, and who am I to argue with that? I'm assuming this is an award for being a song that you can never, ever get out of your head, short of by, say, stabbing yourself with an icepick.
Album of the Year: I always forget how this one is different from Record of the Year, but I'm going with Lorde's Melodrama, because I thought her first album was hella boring, but that one song off this one was kind of my jam. And if you think my reasoning is any less sound than your average Grammy voter's, you're kidding yourself.
Song of the Year: Okay, wait. How is this different from the first two? Anyway, my pal Bing is going with something I've never heard of that's a 1-800 number, but I'm going to give it to Bruno Mars, because even thought I hate him for no real reason, I feel like he's going through something right now, based on the cover art.
Best New Artist: Can I just say Jessica Simpson? I know she's not nominated, but she could definitely use the career boost.
Best Pop Vocal Album: I legitimately want Kesha for this one, because even though she seems like that friend you realize you have nothing to talk to about when you're not drunk, I'm never mad when she shows up on my iTunes. I do want her to bring the dollar sign back, though.
Best Pop Performance: Anyone but Ed Sheeran. He's like if Troll dolls became sentient and oddly self satisfied.
Pop Duo/Group Performance: Good lord there are a lot of categories here. I'm going with Feel it Still by Portugal. The Man solely based on cover art.
Best R&B Song: Bing is giving it to Bruno Mars, and given how much Grammy voters seem to love non-threatening black people, I can't disagree.
Best R&B Performance: Bruno Mars again. Which is probably what people will be saying all night. Along with "wait, seriously, there are still more categories?"
Best R&B Album: Ok, really, Grammys, you need to get over yourself here. It's like you're trying to make sure everyone gets an award, except for like Snoop, since you've made your feelings about him clear. Enough with the categories already.
Tune in to the Grammys tonight on CBS! Or don't! I actually don't care at all either way!
