the ocean

We've recently discovered that we have a TV channel called Bravo Vault, and it is wild. A true journey into our problematic recent past. You see, they play "old" Bravo reality shows from the early 2000s. And man, were things different then (yet also the same, you know? #philosophy).

First and foremost, The Millionaire Matchmaker. I never watched this shit in the day, but it is so harmful to America. A horse-faced woman with a less than ideal haircut tries for find mates for rich men (and sometimes women), while insulting them and their potential mates with absolute impunity. Frequently she holds recruiting sessions where she tells complete strangers things like "you need dental work" or "you're out of shape, I'm sorry" in the same tone she likely uses to accuse her cleaning lady of stealing her jewelry. She also helps her clients my psychoanalyzing them after knowing them for roughly ten minutes and sometimes setting them up with therapists/reiki masters/personal shoppers to provide quick superficial fixes. There's a "Dr. Nikki" advising a "candle collector" as we speak. All very uplifting.

There's also early Top Chef, back when the contestants hadn't figured out how to be on TV yet and segments appeared to often have been filmed in Radisson conference centers. It was a much shaggier affair and Padma frequently looked like she didn't want to be there (this actually never changed). The contestants seemed unafraid to openly despise and undermine each other. And they did a lot more psychological probing of the chefs during eliminations, seemingly drawing on the enhanced interrogation techniques of the Iraq War era. Lessons to be learned aplenty.

Then there is classic Vanderpump. Do I even need to say anything about that? When they were all still poor and had shitty apartments it was pure gold.

And there are old Housewives. Well, it's the episodes that are old, not the housewives themselves. Though I suppose that depends on your definition of old. I've reached an age where my own definition is basically Aunt Gladys.