Sunday, July 28, 2019
American Ninja Warrior
Last week I was tasked with taking my nephew to his ninja classes. I did not know that was a thing, but I sort of envisioned him throwing sharp objects and kicking people. That was not it at all, as it turned out. The class involved lots of toddlers in a padded room climbing and jumping on things. And in my nephew's case, talking. It seemed he felt that each of the physical challenges presented to him benefited from his explanation to the staff in advance. It was not clear that the staff felt the same way.
My role, fortunately, was limited to playing with my phone in the waiting area and handing him his water bottle when he wanted it, which was not often. There were also snacks to be awarded if requested, but the request did not come, so he ended up eating them in the car on the way home. Oh, and I had to give him encouraging looks from time to time. As they say, it takes a village to get a child to climb a rope.
As compared to the previous activity I took him to, baby music, I have to say that this did have the benefits of (1) wearing him out more and (2) not exposing me to people who seem crazy. I mean, I know that people who work with kids have to be energetic, but they shouldn't seem like the go home at night and have full conversations with their dolls. These people really just seemed to be in it for the love of ninjas.
Last week I was tasked with taking my nephew to his ninja classes. I did not know that was a thing, but I sort of envisioned him throwing sharp objects and kicking people. That was not it at all, as it turned out. The class involved lots of toddlers in a padded room climbing and jumping on things. And in my nephew's case, talking. It seemed he felt that each of the physical challenges presented to him benefited from his explanation to the staff in advance. It was not clear that the staff felt the same way.
My role, fortunately, was limited to playing with my phone in the waiting area and handing him his water bottle when he wanted it, which was not often. There were also snacks to be awarded if requested, but the request did not come, so he ended up eating them in the car on the way home. Oh, and I had to give him encouraging looks from time to time. As they say, it takes a village to get a child to climb a rope.
As compared to the previous activity I took him to, baby music, I have to say that this did have the benefits of (1) wearing him out more and (2) not exposing me to people who seem crazy. I mean, I know that people who work with kids have to be energetic, but they shouldn't seem like the go home at night and have full conversations with their dolls. These people really just seemed to be in it for the love of ninjas.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Photographic Memory
I had to go get a new passport photo for my renewal. It went predictably well.
JAY: I need to get a passport photo taken?
CLERK: (long sigh)
JAY: Am I in the right place?
CLERK: Oh yeah, I'm just thrilled you're here.
JAY: OK, well I can...
CLERK: Just give me a minute. (humming to herself, clicking keys on register) Passport, passport. Mm-hmm, okay. Just wait here. (taking three steps) Shanice, I gotta take some passport photos, okay? Passport photos! Mm-hmm.
JAY: I can come back.
CLERK: Naw, just come over here. (grabbing camera, pulling down screen, nearly knocking man off of stool in front of scanning station) Whoops, gonna need you to do that somewhere else for a while.
SCANNING MAN: Where else am I going to do it?
CLERK: OK, you don't need to get hostile. Just give me some room. I gotta take these passport photos.
SCANNING MAN: Well, this is where the scanner is.
CLERK: Uh huh, I hear you. Why don't you just take a break, get some beef jerky or something.
JAY: I'm so sorry.
SCANNING MAN: I've been here for an hour. This thing isn't working right. Is there someone who can...
CLERK: Kay, I'm doin' these passport photos right now.
SCANNING MAN: And now it just froze up. What the hell?! I want to see a manager. (storms off)
CLERK: People are cranky today. Okay, stand in front of the screen.
JAY: (complying) Got it. Let me know when...
CLERK: Your eyes were closed. You gotta keep your eyes open.
JAY: Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were taking it.
CLERK: OK, well I'm taking it. One, two . . . you're sure that's the shirt you want to wear? Gonna have this for a long time.
JAY: What's wrong with . . .
CLERK: Got it. Now I just gotta put it on the computer.
Needless to say, I look like a hostage taker in my passport photo.
I had to go get a new passport photo for my renewal. It went predictably well.
JAY: I need to get a passport photo taken?
CLERK: (long sigh)
JAY: Am I in the right place?
CLERK: Oh yeah, I'm just thrilled you're here.
JAY: OK, well I can...
CLERK: Just give me a minute. (humming to herself, clicking keys on register) Passport, passport. Mm-hmm, okay. Just wait here. (taking three steps) Shanice, I gotta take some passport photos, okay? Passport photos! Mm-hmm.
JAY: I can come back.
CLERK: Naw, just come over here. (grabbing camera, pulling down screen, nearly knocking man off of stool in front of scanning station) Whoops, gonna need you to do that somewhere else for a while.
SCANNING MAN: Where else am I going to do it?
CLERK: OK, you don't need to get hostile. Just give me some room. I gotta take these passport photos.
SCANNING MAN: Well, this is where the scanner is.
CLERK: Uh huh, I hear you. Why don't you just take a break, get some beef jerky or something.
JAY: I'm so sorry.
SCANNING MAN: I've been here for an hour. This thing isn't working right. Is there someone who can...
CLERK: Kay, I'm doin' these passport photos right now.
SCANNING MAN: And now it just froze up. What the hell?! I want to see a manager. (storms off)
CLERK: People are cranky today. Okay, stand in front of the screen.
JAY: (complying) Got it. Let me know when...
CLERK: Your eyes were closed. You gotta keep your eyes open.
JAY: Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were taking it.
CLERK: OK, well I'm taking it. One, two . . . you're sure that's the shirt you want to wear? Gonna have this for a long time.
JAY: What's wrong with . . .
CLERK: Got it. Now I just gotta put it on the computer.
Needless to say, I look like a hostage taker in my passport photo.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Lazy Sunday
I came back from my trial with a long list of things I wanted to do to make up for missing six weeks of summer, but so far it turns out I've mainly watched Law & Order: SVU, which was oddly not even on the list. So far there has been a Gamergate-themed episode, a Duggar-themed episode, and about a dozen pedophile-themed episodes. (Judging by SVU, about half the population of New York is pedophiles.) Also, lots of latter-day casting of which I was unaware. Academy Award nominee Virginia Madsen? YouTube "personality" Logan Paul? Alec Baldwin? They really pulled out all the stops.
I did at least go for a run yesterday, but that ended up with me desperately searching for a bathroom in the zoo. It also got me seriously dehydrated, since I was an idiot and forgot to eat or drink anything before going but did remember to lie out in the heat for about an hour ahead of time. I became lightheaded and almost passed out in front of the McDonald's, which is only cool if you're intoxicated.
Oh, and I bought essential oils for my humidifier. So I'm useless, but at least my bedroom smells nice.
I came back from my trial with a long list of things I wanted to do to make up for missing six weeks of summer, but so far it turns out I've mainly watched Law & Order: SVU, which was oddly not even on the list. So far there has been a Gamergate-themed episode, a Duggar-themed episode, and about a dozen pedophile-themed episodes. (Judging by SVU, about half the population of New York is pedophiles.) Also, lots of latter-day casting of which I was unaware. Academy Award nominee Virginia Madsen? YouTube "personality" Logan Paul? Alec Baldwin? They really pulled out all the stops.
I did at least go for a run yesterday, but that ended up with me desperately searching for a bathroom in the zoo. It also got me seriously dehydrated, since I was an idiot and forgot to eat or drink anything before going but did remember to lie out in the heat for about an hour ahead of time. I became lightheaded and almost passed out in front of the McDonald's, which is only cool if you're intoxicated.
Oh, and I bought essential oils for my humidifier. So I'm useless, but at least my bedroom smells nice.
Saturday, July 06, 2019
Independence, Day
Now that I'm back from such a long work trip, I'm taking absurd joy in doing little things that ordinary people do all the time. For instance, simply buying my own groceries and making a sandwich as opposed to ordering catered food for thirty people each night has been a pure delight. Picking up prescriptions without having to borrow someone's rental car seems somehow magical. And don't get me started on the laundry situation. Seriously, don't get me started because it's super boring but I won't stop talking about it. Suffice it to say that I'm happy that I'm not operating on a "it's easier just to buy new clothes" model any more.
I was also pleased to be back in time for the Fourth, if not with quite enough time to wrangle an invitation to stand in the rain and mis-learn American history. We had a small gathering here, primarily to remind ourselves that we don't know how to operate our grill and that we hate our neighbors. Particularly those that set off tons of fireworks and cause the dogs to have Mariah Carey style meltdowns. But that too is tradition, I suppose. Hooray for America!
Now that I'm back from such a long work trip, I'm taking absurd joy in doing little things that ordinary people do all the time. For instance, simply buying my own groceries and making a sandwich as opposed to ordering catered food for thirty people each night has been a pure delight. Picking up prescriptions without having to borrow someone's rental car seems somehow magical. And don't get me started on the laundry situation. Seriously, don't get me started because it's super boring but I won't stop talking about it. Suffice it to say that I'm happy that I'm not operating on a "it's easier just to buy new clothes" model any more.
I was also pleased to be back in time for the Fourth, if not with quite enough time to wrangle an invitation to stand in the rain and mis-learn American history. We had a small gathering here, primarily to remind ourselves that we don't know how to operate our grill and that we hate our neighbors. Particularly those that set off tons of fireworks and cause the dogs to have Mariah Carey style meltdowns. But that too is tradition, I suppose. Hooray for America!
