Saturday, March 31, 2012
Candy Land
Tragedy struck yesterday when my friend and I tried to visit the candy by the pound store in the Thompson Center. We got there to find it had closed. I blame society. But having already promised coworkers that we would bring them delicious candy, we decided to journey out looking for another candy store, which was where things took a horrifying turn.
I decided to ask Siri where the nearest candy store was. You know how in those Apple commercials you just ask Siri some obscure question and she immediately responds with a detailed answer, a map, perhaps a coupon for a free hug? I think I have a different Siri. First of all, I always have to repeat the question three times before she understands it. Second, she has a hard time selecting the information that is actually useful to me -- I don't need fifteen candy stores within a twenty block radius; I just need the closest one. And oh yeah, it should actually exist when I get there.
We walked about eight blocks to get to this alleged candy store and when we arrived it was a residential building. No candy in sight. My working theory is that it's just an individual with a candy fetish equivalent to my own such that Apple actually registers his apartment as a candy store. Either that or Siri is fucking with me. Either way, it was cold and my feet hurt.
So we ended up buying candy at CVS. On the plus side, I bought a two foot tall chocolate rabbit and everyone stared at me when I carried it back through the lobby of my office building. Marvel at my childlike enthusiasm, people. Marvel at it.
Tragedy struck yesterday when my friend and I tried to visit the candy by the pound store in the Thompson Center. We got there to find it had closed. I blame society. But having already promised coworkers that we would bring them delicious candy, we decided to journey out looking for another candy store, which was where things took a horrifying turn.
I decided to ask Siri where the nearest candy store was. You know how in those Apple commercials you just ask Siri some obscure question and she immediately responds with a detailed answer, a map, perhaps a coupon for a free hug? I think I have a different Siri. First of all, I always have to repeat the question three times before she understands it. Second, she has a hard time selecting the information that is actually useful to me -- I don't need fifteen candy stores within a twenty block radius; I just need the closest one. And oh yeah, it should actually exist when I get there.
We walked about eight blocks to get to this alleged candy store and when we arrived it was a residential building. No candy in sight. My working theory is that it's just an individual with a candy fetish equivalent to my own such that Apple actually registers his apartment as a candy store. Either that or Siri is fucking with me. Either way, it was cold and my feet hurt.
So we ended up buying candy at CVS. On the plus side, I bought a two foot tall chocolate rabbit and everyone stared at me when I carried it back through the lobby of my office building. Marvel at my childlike enthusiasm, people. Marvel at it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Fun/Games
I saw The Hunger Games last night. Originally I wasn't going to see the movie because I didn't have much appetite for watching children kill each other (it's more of a literary experience for me), but then when it was really popular I decided it obviously must also be the right thing to do. And as it turned out, it was just fine by me. It was PG-13, so most of the violence was either offscreen or so quick and shaky you couldn't really telll what was going on. For all I know, they were just wrestling, and the knives and hatchets and such were just prizes for the best wrestler.
I thought that Jennifer Lawrence was good, which was a relief. When they first announced her for the role, I figured she would work for it since she did skin a squirrel in Winter's Bone and all. But then when she was all glammed up for the Oscars and being in the X-Men movie and all, I was worried that maybe she was Rebecca Romijn or something and I just hadn't detected it. She was good and tough and dirty here, though, as she should be. I thought Josh Hutcherson was okay, too, although I kept getting distracted by the fact that he's about five feet tall. The other guy was just sort of there; it's not like Gale really does anything in the first book, anyway.
So I have fulfilled my patriotic duty as an American consumer to see the thing that everyone is seeing. My life, I am sure, will never be the same.
I saw The Hunger Games last night. Originally I wasn't going to see the movie because I didn't have much appetite for watching children kill each other (it's more of a literary experience for me), but then when it was really popular I decided it obviously must also be the right thing to do. And as it turned out, it was just fine by me. It was PG-13, so most of the violence was either offscreen or so quick and shaky you couldn't really telll what was going on. For all I know, they were just wrestling, and the knives and hatchets and such were just prizes for the best wrestler.
I thought that Jennifer Lawrence was good, which was a relief. When they first announced her for the role, I figured she would work for it since she did skin a squirrel in Winter's Bone and all. But then when she was all glammed up for the Oscars and being in the X-Men movie and all, I was worried that maybe she was Rebecca Romijn or something and I just hadn't detected it. She was good and tough and dirty here, though, as she should be. I thought Josh Hutcherson was okay, too, although I kept getting distracted by the fact that he's about five feet tall. The other guy was just sort of there; it's not like Gale really does anything in the first book, anyway.
So I have fulfilled my patriotic duty as an American consumer to see the thing that everyone is seeing. My life, I am sure, will never be the same.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Headlines
Big news today: I'm to have a molar forcibly ripped from my head. Speculation on this issue began last week when my dentist noticed an infection roughly the size of New Jersey above said molar, but there was no confirmation until today, when my oral surgeon gave me a CT scan and determined that my two previous procedures on this tooth had indeed failed. (This tooth has had more work done than Teri Hatcher.) Said CT scan actually took place in the reception area of my oral surgeon's office, which was fabulously awkward. The receptionist had to take five because there was no room for her behind the desk. But anyway, I'm to be knocked out and cut open again, and I can't wait.
In other big news, our long national nightmare is over, as Reba has returned to Lifetime television for women. For so long I had taken that little redheaded scamp for granted, but her absence really reminded me how much good she does for America. I'm not holding my breath for a morning block to return to start my day on the right foot (Will & Grace seems to have the morning drive slot on Lifetime pretty much locked up right now), but it's good just to have her back in my life. I feel sassier already.
Big news today: I'm to have a molar forcibly ripped from my head. Speculation on this issue began last week when my dentist noticed an infection roughly the size of New Jersey above said molar, but there was no confirmation until today, when my oral surgeon gave me a CT scan and determined that my two previous procedures on this tooth had indeed failed. (This tooth has had more work done than Teri Hatcher.) Said CT scan actually took place in the reception area of my oral surgeon's office, which was fabulously awkward. The receptionist had to take five because there was no room for her behind the desk. But anyway, I'm to be knocked out and cut open again, and I can't wait.
In other big news, our long national nightmare is over, as Reba has returned to Lifetime television for women. For so long I had taken that little redheaded scamp for granted, but her absence really reminded me how much good she does for America. I'm not holding my breath for a morning block to return to start my day on the right foot (Will & Grace seems to have the morning drive slot on Lifetime pretty much locked up right now), but it's good just to have her back in my life. I feel sassier already.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
False Alarm
So I nearly got my cleaning lady deported this past Tuesday. You see, I actually started activating my security system about a year and a half ago when there were several home invasions in my neighborhood, as the idea of being tied to a chair and robbed in the middle of the night held less appeal for me than you might think. But because giving out the code to your security system seems like a pretty bad way to maintain security (and, let's face it, also because I don't even have my cleaning lady's phone number), I always just left the system off every other Tuesday when she came to clean.
Until this past, Tuesday, that is. I punched in the code, activated the alarm, and headed off to work, jamming to a little Stevie Wonder on my iPhone. And when the alarm company called me, I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer. It wasn't until I was all the way downtown and the cleaning service called me in a panic that I actually picked up. And started shouting my security code into the phone so that everyone at Merchandise Mart could hear it. But, of course, it was too late for that, and the police were called to my condo. Where they found an extremely frightened Polish woman who speaks about four words of English repeating "I clean, I clean" over and over.
Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and there were no tazers involved. But it will be an excellent reminder to me not to activate the alarm in future weeks, I tell you that. So robbers, mark your calendars for Tuesdays -- they will be the best!
So I nearly got my cleaning lady deported this past Tuesday. You see, I actually started activating my security system about a year and a half ago when there were several home invasions in my neighborhood, as the idea of being tied to a chair and robbed in the middle of the night held less appeal for me than you might think. But because giving out the code to your security system seems like a pretty bad way to maintain security (and, let's face it, also because I don't even have my cleaning lady's phone number), I always just left the system off every other Tuesday when she came to clean.
Until this past, Tuesday, that is. I punched in the code, activated the alarm, and headed off to work, jamming to a little Stevie Wonder on my iPhone. And when the alarm company called me, I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer. It wasn't until I was all the way downtown and the cleaning service called me in a panic that I actually picked up. And started shouting my security code into the phone so that everyone at Merchandise Mart could hear it. But, of course, it was too late for that, and the police were called to my condo. Where they found an extremely frightened Polish woman who speaks about four words of English repeating "I clean, I clean" over and over.
Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and there were no tazers involved. But it will be an excellent reminder to me not to activate the alarm in future weeks, I tell you that. So robbers, mark your calendars for Tuesdays -- they will be the best!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Well, That Was Interesting
I just worked literally the entire weekend. As in work until 11 Friday night, work until 11 Saturday night, and I just sent my last email for work about five minutes ago today. I mean, I did take time out for kickboxing yesterday and for a run today, but that was about it. Also for eating, sleeping, and peeing; those I have not yet been able to eliminate entirely, but God willing the science will be there someday.
Of course, if you had to pick a weekend, this would definitely be the one. 80 degrees and sunny in March in Chicago, St. Patrick's Day -- who needs them? I'd much rather listen to the laughter and shouting of revelers drifting up to me from the alley behind my house. Actually, that part's not sarcasm. The thought of being out on Clark Street among throngs of twentysomething amateur drunks makes me want to throw up, and I haven't even touched a drop.
I could use some time off, though, no joke. This year Christmas was wholly subsumed by work for pretty much the first time ever, and Easter is looking a likely casualty as well. Yes, another front has opened up in the War on Christmas. Looks like Jesus is going to have to start packing heat.
I just worked literally the entire weekend. As in work until 11 Friday night, work until 11 Saturday night, and I just sent my last email for work about five minutes ago today. I mean, I did take time out for kickboxing yesterday and for a run today, but that was about it. Also for eating, sleeping, and peeing; those I have not yet been able to eliminate entirely, but God willing the science will be there someday.
Of course, if you had to pick a weekend, this would definitely be the one. 80 degrees and sunny in March in Chicago, St. Patrick's Day -- who needs them? I'd much rather listen to the laughter and shouting of revelers drifting up to me from the alley behind my house. Actually, that part's not sarcasm. The thought of being out on Clark Street among throngs of twentysomething amateur drunks makes me want to throw up, and I haven't even touched a drop.
I could use some time off, though, no joke. This year Christmas was wholly subsumed by work for pretty much the first time ever, and Easter is looking a likely casualty as well. Yes, another front has opened up in the War on Christmas. Looks like Jesus is going to have to start packing heat.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
In Transit
So it took me an hour to travel the approximately 6 miles to work this morning. There was a train arriving just as I got to the station, which made me feel like I was all kinds of lucky, but that turned out to be dead wrong. That train ended up stopping every two minutes or so, ostensibly to suffer techinical difficulties, but I'm pretty convinced it was really so the operator could enjoy repeatedly throwing me into the backside of the rather hefty gentleman standing to my right. Of course, after our first stop the train was so full of people it was essentially human Tetris from there on out, so there was no shortage of bumping into people to go around.
The best part of the trip, though, was the extra sass our operator brought to the proceedings. At each and every stop she made sure to lecture people on the platform about how rude they were being by trying to push their way onto the train. She actually singled people out, saying things like "sir, you need to get your arms out of the door, because I'm waiting on you now so I can close it" and "mam, there are three trains directly behind me now, you can just wait for one of those, okay?" I was a little disappointed that I wasn't eligible for this sort of life coaching, but one can't have everything, I guess. Unless you're Angelina Jolie. That bitch really does have it all.
So it took me an hour to travel the approximately 6 miles to work this morning. There was a train arriving just as I got to the station, which made me feel like I was all kinds of lucky, but that turned out to be dead wrong. That train ended up stopping every two minutes or so, ostensibly to suffer techinical difficulties, but I'm pretty convinced it was really so the operator could enjoy repeatedly throwing me into the backside of the rather hefty gentleman standing to my right. Of course, after our first stop the train was so full of people it was essentially human Tetris from there on out, so there was no shortage of bumping into people to go around.
The best part of the trip, though, was the extra sass our operator brought to the proceedings. At each and every stop she made sure to lecture people on the platform about how rude they were being by trying to push their way onto the train. She actually singled people out, saying things like "sir, you need to get your arms out of the door, because I'm waiting on you now so I can close it" and "mam, there are three trains directly behind me now, you can just wait for one of those, okay?" I was a little disappointed that I wasn't eligible for this sort of life coaching, but one can't have everything, I guess. Unless you're Angelina Jolie. That bitch really does have it all.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Nine Lives
HBO was playing Catwoman again last night. And before that they were playing it on Sunday. I'm not going to go on and on about how amazing that movie is and what a worthy follow up it is for Academy Award winning actress Halle Berry -- I've done that amply before -- but I do want to point on that it is probably on television more frequently than any other movie ever in the history of time. Last summer I was already calling it "the summer of Catwoman," but now it turns out that it's "the year of Catwoman." Or maybe even "the decade of Catwoman." Either way, it's a lot of Catwoman. Especially after Sharon Stone spent all that money trying to get all existing copies buried in an underground vault.
HBO was playing Catwoman again last night. And before that they were playing it on Sunday. I'm not going to go on and on about how amazing that movie is and what a worthy follow up it is for Academy Award winning actress Halle Berry -- I've done that amply before -- but I do want to point on that it is probably on television more frequently than any other movie ever in the history of time. Last summer I was already calling it "the summer of Catwoman," but now it turns out that it's "the year of Catwoman." Or maybe even "the decade of Catwoman." Either way, it's a lot of Catwoman. Especially after Sharon Stone spent all that money trying to get all existing copies buried in an underground vault.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
So Where Were We?
Days and weeks somehow seem to go by a lot faster these days. And at the same time much, much more slowly. This week in particular has been a haze of briefs and privilege logs and subpar Sarah Michelle Gellar television programs and vodka and late night nachos. Some of that is good, obviously, and some of it not so much. I feel like it's a bad sign that I just turned and saw a commercial for the Atlantis resort and thought, hey, maybe I should go there. I don't generally contemplate escaping to the Bahamas, although maybe I should.
Actually, there's been some talk of a fancy summer vacay in the Dells lately, if you can believe it. I've never been to America's favorite water parks before, but I imagine them as sort of a colder version of the Bahamas. I have several important criteria that would need to be satisfied by this trip, however. I would like to stay at a theme resort, preferably something African or medieval. I want there to be a TGI Friday's nearby and an outlet mall within easy driving distance. There should be go-karting and, if possible, a petting zoo. Also no children. I will likely have to give on this one, but my parents always taught me to dream big.
Anyway, at least that's something to look forward to, even if it's likely to fail in the planning stages, just like previous imagined vacations to Branson, Missouri and Epcot Center. Ah, the tourist traps I have visited in my mind...
Days and weeks somehow seem to go by a lot faster these days. And at the same time much, much more slowly. This week in particular has been a haze of briefs and privilege logs and subpar Sarah Michelle Gellar television programs and vodka and late night nachos. Some of that is good, obviously, and some of it not so much. I feel like it's a bad sign that I just turned and saw a commercial for the Atlantis resort and thought, hey, maybe I should go there. I don't generally contemplate escaping to the Bahamas, although maybe I should.
Actually, there's been some talk of a fancy summer vacay in the Dells lately, if you can believe it. I've never been to America's favorite water parks before, but I imagine them as sort of a colder version of the Bahamas. I have several important criteria that would need to be satisfied by this trip, however. I would like to stay at a theme resort, preferably something African or medieval. I want there to be a TGI Friday's nearby and an outlet mall within easy driving distance. There should be go-karting and, if possible, a petting zoo. Also no children. I will likely have to give on this one, but my parents always taught me to dream big.
Anyway, at least that's something to look forward to, even if it's likely to fail in the planning stages, just like previous imagined vacations to Branson, Missouri and Epcot Center. Ah, the tourist traps I have visited in my mind...
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Tape Delayed Blogging the Demi Lovato MTV Special
First off, I'm really glad that Demi is finally opening up about her time on Barney & Friends, even if she did refer to it as a "gig." I appreciate the fact that as a small child she looked exactly like my forty-year-old paralegal. But when are we getting the dirt on Baby Bop?
Apparently, Demi still throws up and cuts herself occasionally, because she's "not perfect." Just like how I sometimes grab navy blue socks instead of black ones when it's dark in the morning.
Demi just made a reference to people on the internet who make fun of her and make her sad. Just so we're clear, I'm talking about Demi Moore right now. It just sounds like I'm talking about Demi Lovato.
Performance footage. Now there are fans talking about how amazing Demi is and how she totally inspires them to be themselves. I'm going to scrutinize the credits carefully, because at this point I'm pretty convinced that Demi edited this thing herself.
Fast forwarding...
Now Demi's opening up about how her first Thanksgiving out of treatment is really hard for her. I blame her terrible hat. But I actually feel worse for the stuffing she just gave that dirty look to.
Is she going to bring out the backup dance she bitchslapped just before her trip to rehab?
I actually don't recognize a single one of her songs so far. Are her songs like a thing? I mean, if it were Selena Gomez I'd at least know a few. I put Demi Lovato more in a Raven category, frankly. You know, where they're mainly big personalities with butt chins and the music career is just kind of a comic diversion.
Now she's narrating her experience eating some chicken in rehab.
Now there are closeups of silverware.
Now the hat is back. Seriously, you're not Tiffany. Nor should you want to be.
All right, I'm giving up. I thought it would be hilarious, but it's all turned out kind of real.
First off, I'm really glad that Demi is finally opening up about her time on Barney & Friends, even if she did refer to it as a "gig." I appreciate the fact that as a small child she looked exactly like my forty-year-old paralegal. But when are we getting the dirt on Baby Bop?
Apparently, Demi still throws up and cuts herself occasionally, because she's "not perfect." Just like how I sometimes grab navy blue socks instead of black ones when it's dark in the morning.
Demi just made a reference to people on the internet who make fun of her and make her sad. Just so we're clear, I'm talking about Demi Moore right now. It just sounds like I'm talking about Demi Lovato.
Performance footage. Now there are fans talking about how amazing Demi is and how she totally inspires them to be themselves. I'm going to scrutinize the credits carefully, because at this point I'm pretty convinced that Demi edited this thing herself.
Fast forwarding...
Now Demi's opening up about how her first Thanksgiving out of treatment is really hard for her. I blame her terrible hat. But I actually feel worse for the stuffing she just gave that dirty look to.
Is she going to bring out the backup dance she bitchslapped just before her trip to rehab?
I actually don't recognize a single one of her songs so far. Are her songs like a thing? I mean, if it were Selena Gomez I'd at least know a few. I put Demi Lovato more in a Raven category, frankly. You know, where they're mainly big personalities with butt chins and the music career is just kind of a comic diversion.
Now she's narrating her experience eating some chicken in rehab.
Now there are closeups of silverware.
Now the hat is back. Seriously, you're not Tiffany. Nor should you want to be.
All right, I'm giving up. I thought it would be hilarious, but it's all turned out kind of real.
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Sunday Movie
Oh my God, I'm watching this Lifetime movie right now that is totally incredible. Sara Paxton is playing a woman who stabbed her husband like ten million times and he's literally like the worst monster who ever lived. In the last five minutes he has (1) snorted coke in the car while missing "date night" with his wife, (2) punched his three year old in the face, (3) told his wife her makeup makes her look like a whore, and (4) told her she shouldn't even bother to come into their bedroom unless she was planning on acting like a "real wife." I assume the stabbing starts soon, although I doubt I'll be able to stay awake for it. In fact, this being Lifetime, they probably won't even show it at all.
This is the second amazing Sara Paxton Lifetime movie I've seen; the first one was around Thanksgiving and she played a binge drinker. Her life spiraled out of control or something; it's hard for me to remember. I think her friend died while getting plowed by some frat guy. This was very much unlike my own experiences of binge drinking.
Nothing like that this weekend, though, let me tell you. My big night last night was bed shopping at Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware, and Pottery Barn. No bed purchased yet, mind you, but progress has been made. If only I could combine the legs from one bed with the headboard from another and the fabric from a third. Who wouldn't sleep soundly in a fine little Frankenbed?
Oh my God, I'm watching this Lifetime movie right now that is totally incredible. Sara Paxton is playing a woman who stabbed her husband like ten million times and he's literally like the worst monster who ever lived. In the last five minutes he has (1) snorted coke in the car while missing "date night" with his wife, (2) punched his three year old in the face, (3) told his wife her makeup makes her look like a whore, and (4) told her she shouldn't even bother to come into their bedroom unless she was planning on acting like a "real wife." I assume the stabbing starts soon, although I doubt I'll be able to stay awake for it. In fact, this being Lifetime, they probably won't even show it at all.
This is the second amazing Sara Paxton Lifetime movie I've seen; the first one was around Thanksgiving and she played a binge drinker. Her life spiraled out of control or something; it's hard for me to remember. I think her friend died while getting plowed by some frat guy. This was very much unlike my own experiences of binge drinking.
Nothing like that this weekend, though, let me tell you. My big night last night was bed shopping at Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware, and Pottery Barn. No bed purchased yet, mind you, but progress has been made. If only I could combine the legs from one bed with the headboard from another and the fabric from a third. Who wouldn't sleep soundly in a fine little Frankenbed?
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Dream Sequence
I saw A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre last night. It wasn't exactly perfect timing because it caused me to miss the Top Chef finale, the Top Model premiere, and Revenge, but I guess that's what DVRs are for. Although I did hear that Top Model's ratings were way down, probably solely due to my absence.
Anyway, the show was good. I wasn't totally thrilled that they decided to musicalize the bits involving the mechanicals, and I've never been a big fan of all the fairy crap involved, but the acting was stellar as always and it was a really compact adaptation at 2:30 with intermission. That meant I didn't have to pee throughout the first half of the first act, as sometimes tragically happens.
Of course, this production couldn't hold a candle to the production I was in in eighth grade, which featured entirely junior and middle high school students and never actually made it to performance. (Although we did paint the sets, which were totally sweet.) I played Demetrius with great fervor, and great amounts of gesticulation, one might add. Oddly enough, I realized I still remembered a lot of my lines when I found myself mouthing along last night. The good news is that professioanl actors really appreciate it when you do that.
