Saturday, November 24, 2012
The Waiting Game
So I'm sitting in my parents' living room waiting for the laundry to finish so I can start my five-hour drive back to Chicago. I didn't particularly ask for my laundry to be done, but my mother really seemed to want to do it (and god knows I don't), so I figured I might as well acquiesce. This is a process that was described as taking forty five minutes, although every human being alive knows it will take no less than an hour and a half, unless I want to throw wet t-shirts in a suitcase and be on my way. Prior to this, my mother really wanted all of us to go to the fitness center and work out; that's no less than two hours if you include the time it takes for my mother to get into an argument with the front desk girl and my father to walk on a treadmill in his jeans. We have mastered the fine art of the filibuster in this family.
I'm not particularly in a hurry to get back, though, I guess. I can't stay through tomorrow because I have rehearsal then, but it's not like I have pressing obligations in the city tonight. (Tomorrow night, of course, is the premiere of Liz & Dick on Lifetime, which is perhaps the most pressing obligation any human can have. It's an obligation to mankind, really.) I just hate driving in the dark. It makes me sleepy and there's nothing to look at. Also there's the constant fear of deer lurching out of nowhere to wrap themselves around your car. Ugh. That Newsies soundtrack is going to be working overtime tonight.
So I'm sitting in my parents' living room waiting for the laundry to finish so I can start my five-hour drive back to Chicago. I didn't particularly ask for my laundry to be done, but my mother really seemed to want to do it (and god knows I don't), so I figured I might as well acquiesce. This is a process that was described as taking forty five minutes, although every human being alive knows it will take no less than an hour and a half, unless I want to throw wet t-shirts in a suitcase and be on my way. Prior to this, my mother really wanted all of us to go to the fitness center and work out; that's no less than two hours if you include the time it takes for my mother to get into an argument with the front desk girl and my father to walk on a treadmill in his jeans. We have mastered the fine art of the filibuster in this family.
I'm not particularly in a hurry to get back, though, I guess. I can't stay through tomorrow because I have rehearsal then, but it's not like I have pressing obligations in the city tonight. (Tomorrow night, of course, is the premiere of Liz & Dick on Lifetime, which is perhaps the most pressing obligation any human can have. It's an obligation to mankind, really.) I just hate driving in the dark. It makes me sleepy and there's nothing to look at. Also there's the constant fear of deer lurching out of nowhere to wrap themselves around your car. Ugh. That Newsies soundtrack is going to be working overtime tonight.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
THX
And it's Thanksgiving yet again. Probably the best way to sum up my day is to tell you that right now my sister and I are playing around on our computers/phones while our parents watch an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Yes, Jean-Luc Picard is holding court in my living room. And in fact it has been a day highly defined by parental tastes. There was our buffet luncheon, a trip to the dog park (there was literally no one else there), and of course our trip out to see Lincoln. I think we'll probably wind things up by putting on some light jazz, drinking a dessert wine, and playing canasta.
As for the movie, well, it was honestly pretty good. Daniel Day-Lewis was really convincing, although I personally had always imagined Lincoln a little bit deeper-voiced and less kooky. Sally Field was appropriately nutters, though I remain upset by the lost opportunity for a Big Momma's style fat suit. Tommy Lee Jones was pretty much just Tommy Lee Jones, but the part suited him well. In my view, Spielberg kind of blew the ending by jumping back in time from the downer death scene for some more inspiring speechifying, but it wasn't that big of a deal. And I did sort of feel like I saw every single conversation that went into getting the 13th Amendment passed, but it is one of the better amendments, so I guess I'll allow it.
So much to be thankful for. Like the ability to end sentences with prepositions without being called out for it. Good times.
And it's Thanksgiving yet again. Probably the best way to sum up my day is to tell you that right now my sister and I are playing around on our computers/phones while our parents watch an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Yes, Jean-Luc Picard is holding court in my living room. And in fact it has been a day highly defined by parental tastes. There was our buffet luncheon, a trip to the dog park (there was literally no one else there), and of course our trip out to see Lincoln. I think we'll probably wind things up by putting on some light jazz, drinking a dessert wine, and playing canasta.
As for the movie, well, it was honestly pretty good. Daniel Day-Lewis was really convincing, although I personally had always imagined Lincoln a little bit deeper-voiced and less kooky. Sally Field was appropriately nutters, though I remain upset by the lost opportunity for a Big Momma's style fat suit. Tommy Lee Jones was pretty much just Tommy Lee Jones, but the part suited him well. In my view, Spielberg kind of blew the ending by jumping back in time from the downer death scene for some more inspiring speechifying, but it wasn't that big of a deal. And I did sort of feel like I saw every single conversation that went into getting the 13th Amendment passed, but it is one of the better amendments, so I guess I'll allow it.
So much to be thankful for. Like the ability to end sentences with prepositions without being called out for it. Good times.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
And Now the Giving of Thanks
Made the trip back to Quincy for the holiday today. For some reason the drive took more than six hours (okay, well, there was a rather substantial Chipotle stop involved), but it was still better than last year's Union Station nightmare (which may also have involved Chipotle, as I recall). Doing something weird to my back that caused me to have to lay flat in the middle of the living room for more than an hour upon my arrival was way better than nearly being crushed in a mob of people trying to get on Amtrak. In much the same way that being shot through the head is better than being stabbed to death. You don't really want either, but at least the one doesn't involve strangers sitting next to you and talking endlessly about corn. Although I could actually go for some corn right about now.
It's our first Thanksgiving without my grandmother, which is sad, but we will be going out to the buffet in her honor. I may watch a little Young & the Restless as well. I don't even know if that awful man with the long hair and that lady with the ugly back are on it any more. So there's a definite need to catch up.
I also have some writing to do over the weekend and there is a threat on the table of being made to go see Lincoln. Not the actual Lincoln; that was a field trip in seventh grade. The movie, with craggy Daniel Day Lewis and not fat enough Sally Field. I'm certainly willing to give it a try, although I frankly liked Spielberg movies better back when they were less Important and more full of flying bicycles. Maybe Indiana Jones will show up halfway through?
Made the trip back to Quincy for the holiday today. For some reason the drive took more than six hours (okay, well, there was a rather substantial Chipotle stop involved), but it was still better than last year's Union Station nightmare (which may also have involved Chipotle, as I recall). Doing something weird to my back that caused me to have to lay flat in the middle of the living room for more than an hour upon my arrival was way better than nearly being crushed in a mob of people trying to get on Amtrak. In much the same way that being shot through the head is better than being stabbed to death. You don't really want either, but at least the one doesn't involve strangers sitting next to you and talking endlessly about corn. Although I could actually go for some corn right about now.
It's our first Thanksgiving without my grandmother, which is sad, but we will be going out to the buffet in her honor. I may watch a little Young & the Restless as well. I don't even know if that awful man with the long hair and that lady with the ugly back are on it any more. So there's a definite need to catch up.
I also have some writing to do over the weekend and there is a threat on the table of being made to go see Lincoln. Not the actual Lincoln; that was a field trip in seventh grade. The movie, with craggy Daniel Day Lewis and not fat enough Sally Field. I'm certainly willing to give it a try, although I frankly liked Spielberg movies better back when they were less Important and more full of flying bicycles. Maybe Indiana Jones will show up halfway through?
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Association
I think I may have previously mentioned that I am the treasurer of my condo association. If not, well, I'm mentioning it now. Get excited. It's a wholly thankless position that primarily involves filling out forms and depositing checks, which are two of my greatest skills. Because I do have the checkbook, sometimes people listen to me a little bit more when it comes to arguing over things like what kind of patio furniture we should buy for the roof deck or who we should hire to shampoo the carpets in the common areas, but I would hardly consider that to be a fringe benefit. The power to have residents randomly executed would be much more my speed.
Speaking of which, our new first floor neighbors continue to have incredibly loud parties every weekend (and sometimes on random Tuesdays at 10:30 PM), which has led to a thrilling flurry of email bickering. It is, of course, ridiculous that a homeowner in his late twenties feels the need to pump European his dance music so loudly that the entire building shakes until the very dead of night, and even more ridiculous that he keeps a giant bong in his living room and leaves not just his own front door open but also the front door to the entire building, but these actions also don't seem to me like a very fertile subject for discussion. Which is probably why they've never been a topic on The McLaughlin Group. To me, it's just a short email (or in person visit) to the tune of "stop fucking doing that." But that's just me. So I spent a good chunk of my day today as kindergarten teacher to the building, trying to keep my fellow residents from burning each other's units down by typing soothing phrases like "I think this is a good point for discussion" and "I understand why someone might feel that way." Really, the only option left open to me at this point is just to move.
I think I may have previously mentioned that I am the treasurer of my condo association. If not, well, I'm mentioning it now. Get excited. It's a wholly thankless position that primarily involves filling out forms and depositing checks, which are two of my greatest skills. Because I do have the checkbook, sometimes people listen to me a little bit more when it comes to arguing over things like what kind of patio furniture we should buy for the roof deck or who we should hire to shampoo the carpets in the common areas, but I would hardly consider that to be a fringe benefit. The power to have residents randomly executed would be much more my speed.
Speaking of which, our new first floor neighbors continue to have incredibly loud parties every weekend (and sometimes on random Tuesdays at 10:30 PM), which has led to a thrilling flurry of email bickering. It is, of course, ridiculous that a homeowner in his late twenties feels the need to pump European his dance music so loudly that the entire building shakes until the very dead of night, and even more ridiculous that he keeps a giant bong in his living room and leaves not just his own front door open but also the front door to the entire building, but these actions also don't seem to me like a very fertile subject for discussion. Which is probably why they've never been a topic on The McLaughlin Group. To me, it's just a short email (or in person visit) to the tune of "stop fucking doing that." But that's just me. So I spent a good chunk of my day today as kindergarten teacher to the building, trying to keep my fellow residents from burning each other's units down by typing soothing phrases like "I think this is a good point for discussion" and "I understand why someone might feel that way." Really, the only option left open to me at this point is just to move.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Just Wow
These painkillers have me all over the place. Tuesday I was flying all day and couldn't even get myself to sleep at night, even with the aid of James Joyce's Ulyesses, which I had saved for just such an eventuality. Wednesday I was talking a mile a minute and eating my face off. I felt fantastic and would probably have stabbed anyone who even suggested that the pills be taken away. I was laughing at everything, even that Sarah McLachlan commercial with all the sad puppies. Yesterday, though, fatigue hit me and hit me hard, and I could barely drag myself back and forth to the fridge for my facial icing sessions. I tried to go to the gym and dozed off a little during my crunches. And my appetite utterly disappeared, such that I could not even convince myself to drive through McDonald's. Today I'm still in the doldrums; I spent my lunch hour just walking around downtown in the hopes that I might jolt myself awake, but succeeded only in stumbling into some tourists outside the Old Navy. There was performance fleece everywhere.
I think I'm just going to go to bed early and try to start over with a pill-free day tomorrow. Seriously, I don't know what Matthew Perry saw in these things.
These painkillers have me all over the place. Tuesday I was flying all day and couldn't even get myself to sleep at night, even with the aid of James Joyce's Ulyesses, which I had saved for just such an eventuality. Wednesday I was talking a mile a minute and eating my face off. I felt fantastic and would probably have stabbed anyone who even suggested that the pills be taken away. I was laughing at everything, even that Sarah McLachlan commercial with all the sad puppies. Yesterday, though, fatigue hit me and hit me hard, and I could barely drag myself back and forth to the fridge for my facial icing sessions. I tried to go to the gym and dozed off a little during my crunches. And my appetite utterly disappeared, such that I could not even convince myself to drive through McDonald's. Today I'm still in the doldrums; I spent my lunch hour just walking around downtown in the hopes that I might jolt myself awake, but succeeded only in stumbling into some tourists outside the Old Navy. There was performance fleece everywhere.
I think I'm just going to go to bed early and try to start over with a pill-free day tomorrow. Seriously, I don't know what Matthew Perry saw in these things.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Painkiller Diaries
Had my oral surgery this morning. No general anaesthesia for this one, but I still couldn't really tell you what they were doing in there for half the time. As it turns out, I can't see my mouth very well. And I had my headphones on (to drown out the Christmas mix they were already playing), so I was lucky if I could even hear the various commands about head turning. They did take a lot of pictures, though (not kidding), which they showed me after. Turns out it was a pretty gruesome affair.
My surgeon was actually quite thrilled about how everything went, thanking me elaborately for my efforts (just lying there) and telling me over and over that we hit a home run. He even got a bit emotional as he explained that, although he obviously gets paid for his work, the real payoff is seeing an excellent patient like me get such a good result. Good to know that all of my flossing and rinsing made a difference for someone.
The best news, though, is that I'm going to be on painkillers for the next week or so. They must be pretty wonderful because I feel fantastic even as things keep happening that I objectively know should be irritating the crap out of me. I mean, weird strangers set next to me on public transit twice today and I was totally fine about it. A lady at Walgreen's just ignored her child as kept running back and forth and kicking customers, but I didn't even seethe. I can see why people get hooked on these things.
Had my oral surgery this morning. No general anaesthesia for this one, but I still couldn't really tell you what they were doing in there for half the time. As it turns out, I can't see my mouth very well. And I had my headphones on (to drown out the Christmas mix they were already playing), so I was lucky if I could even hear the various commands about head turning. They did take a lot of pictures, though (not kidding), which they showed me after. Turns out it was a pretty gruesome affair.
My surgeon was actually quite thrilled about how everything went, thanking me elaborately for my efforts (just lying there) and telling me over and over that we hit a home run. He even got a bit emotional as he explained that, although he obviously gets paid for his work, the real payoff is seeing an excellent patient like me get such a good result. Good to know that all of my flossing and rinsing made a difference for someone.
The best news, though, is that I'm going to be on painkillers for the next week or so. They must be pretty wonderful because I feel fantastic even as things keep happening that I objectively know should be irritating the crap out of me. I mean, weird strangers set next to me on public transit twice today and I was totally fine about it. A lady at Walgreen's just ignored her child as kept running back and forth and kicking customers, but I didn't even seethe. I can see why people get hooked on these things.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Four Day
So I accidentally gave myself a four-day weekend, which is kind of amazing. To be fair, one of those four days I'm going to spend having a fake molar implanted in my head, so that could be less than 100% awesome, but at least it'll get me out of the office! Tomorrow I have off courtesy of Veteran's Day, which I have to admit I completely forgot about. When I was still in private practice, they didn't even let the actual veterans have it off, so it wasn't really much of a factor in my existence. Now, however, I have big plans to honor those who served our nation by going to the gym and doing laundry.
I'm afraid I can't ascribe any major accomplishments to the weekend so far. I haven't prevented any major acts of terrorism (that I know of) or won any Latin Grammys. I'm planning to do some writing later, but I have to admit that I've been in the planning stages on that one for a while now. I have watched approximately two hours of the Disney Channel today, however, and can accordingly report to you that children's television has really gone downhill. There's nothing with the fully-realized characters or compelling intellectual content of a Lizzie McGuire or a That's So Raven. Now it seems to be mainly twelve-year-old girls who dress like Samantha on Sex in the City and get into comical situations involving slapstick. Sort of like Suddenly Susan for preteens. Clearly, I need to force myself to leave the house now.
So I accidentally gave myself a four-day weekend, which is kind of amazing. To be fair, one of those four days I'm going to spend having a fake molar implanted in my head, so that could be less than 100% awesome, but at least it'll get me out of the office! Tomorrow I have off courtesy of Veteran's Day, which I have to admit I completely forgot about. When I was still in private practice, they didn't even let the actual veterans have it off, so it wasn't really much of a factor in my existence. Now, however, I have big plans to honor those who served our nation by going to the gym and doing laundry.
I'm afraid I can't ascribe any major accomplishments to the weekend so far. I haven't prevented any major acts of terrorism (that I know of) or won any Latin Grammys. I'm planning to do some writing later, but I have to admit that I've been in the planning stages on that one for a while now. I have watched approximately two hours of the Disney Channel today, however, and can accordingly report to you that children's television has really gone downhill. There's nothing with the fully-realized characters or compelling intellectual content of a Lizzie McGuire or a That's So Raven. Now it seems to be mainly twelve-year-old girls who dress like Samantha on Sex in the City and get into comical situations involving slapstick. Sort of like Suddenly Susan for preteens. Clearly, I need to force myself to leave the house now.
Friday, November 09, 2012
The Criminal Element
As I may have mentioned, my new job involves criminal law on a daily basis. And I'm not just talking about lame ass federal law, like drugs or conspiracy or something. This is real Law & Order type crime here -- murder, rape, child molestation. So by and large, this makes for interesting days; reading about the unspeakably horrible things people do to one another generally keeps a person awake. (Although there's a definite exception to this for days where I'm struggling to get through transcripts of expert testimony; you would be surprised by how boring blood spatter patterns can be.) It also, however, does have a bit of an impact on your view of the world. Today, for instance, I was working on a case where a guy killed his business partner and I started wondering if there might be someone around my office who wanted to kill me and I didn't even know about it. I actually came up with some pretty good suspects. And often I now find myself looking around the train at my fellow citizens and contemplating which ones are murderers or sex perverts. Again, many good suspects. When you read about crime all day, it does sort of start to seem like crime is everywhere.
Of course, at my old job, there was plenty of crime, too, it was just carefully papered over with many layers of money. And it tended to be less dramatic, like someone putting the decimal point in the wrong place in an SEC filing. Don't get me wrong, though -- I'm totally in favor of the death penalty for accountants. Double entry bookkeeping is just Satanism with better PR.
As I may have mentioned, my new job involves criminal law on a daily basis. And I'm not just talking about lame ass federal law, like drugs or conspiracy or something. This is real Law & Order type crime here -- murder, rape, child molestation. So by and large, this makes for interesting days; reading about the unspeakably horrible things people do to one another generally keeps a person awake. (Although there's a definite exception to this for days where I'm struggling to get through transcripts of expert testimony; you would be surprised by how boring blood spatter patterns can be.) It also, however, does have a bit of an impact on your view of the world. Today, for instance, I was working on a case where a guy killed his business partner and I started wondering if there might be someone around my office who wanted to kill me and I didn't even know about it. I actually came up with some pretty good suspects. And often I now find myself looking around the train at my fellow citizens and contemplating which ones are murderers or sex perverts. Again, many good suspects. When you read about crime all day, it does sort of start to seem like crime is everywhere.
Of course, at my old job, there was plenty of crime, too, it was just carefully papered over with many layers of money. And it tended to be less dramatic, like someone putting the decimal point in the wrong place in an SEC filing. Don't get me wrong, though -- I'm totally in favor of the death penalty for accountants. Double entry bookkeeping is just Satanism with better PR.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Poll Position
I had to do election monitoring for work yesterday. This meant that I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning (well before Lifetime switches from infomercials to '90s sitcoms, thank you very much) and drive out to Berwyn to be at a polling place when it opened. I found out that there are actually people who are very energetic at this time of day; these people need to be rounded up and incarcerated somewhere for their own protection. Suffice it to say that I don't need to be hugged by a handsome woman in a pink Garfield sweatshirt before I've had my morning caffeine.
Most of the day then was spent driving from precinct to precinct checking in to see if there were any problems. Actually, I very quickly learned not to directly ask if there were any problems, for that would open the floodgates to a range of non-electoral issues from a desire for pizza to discomfort from bunions. Instead I asked how things were going, which seemed to elicit a narrower range of issues that I might actually know something about, or at least be able to look up in my little guidebook. It had a table of contents and everything.
The highlights of the day were innumerable. But they had to include when we took our lunch break at the nearby mall and I realized that it featured no fewer than three Foot Lockers. Also when I became so tired midafternoon that I accidentally just helped myself to a left turn on a red light. There was also the man who tried to sell us a cheesecake outside a polling place (I seriously considered it) and the election worker who looked like a downmarket Diane Lane.
This, I believe, is what they call democracy in action.
I had to do election monitoring for work yesterday. This meant that I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning (well before Lifetime switches from infomercials to '90s sitcoms, thank you very much) and drive out to Berwyn to be at a polling place when it opened. I found out that there are actually people who are very energetic at this time of day; these people need to be rounded up and incarcerated somewhere for their own protection. Suffice it to say that I don't need to be hugged by a handsome woman in a pink Garfield sweatshirt before I've had my morning caffeine.
Most of the day then was spent driving from precinct to precinct checking in to see if there were any problems. Actually, I very quickly learned not to directly ask if there were any problems, for that would open the floodgates to a range of non-electoral issues from a desire for pizza to discomfort from bunions. Instead I asked how things were going, which seemed to elicit a narrower range of issues that I might actually know something about, or at least be able to look up in my little guidebook. It had a table of contents and everything.
The highlights of the day were innumerable. But they had to include when we took our lunch break at the nearby mall and I realized that it featured no fewer than three Foot Lockers. Also when I became so tired midafternoon that I accidentally just helped myself to a left turn on a red light. There was also the man who tried to sell us a cheesecake outside a polling place (I seriously considered it) and the election worker who looked like a downmarket Diane Lane.
This, I believe, is what they call democracy in action.
Sunday, November 04, 2012
Fall Back Plan
Since we have an extra hour in the day today, I've made all sorts of amazing plans to get things done. So far today I have gone to church (God says "hey"), gone to the pharmacy (which is a bigger feat than it sounds, given that there are two street closures between me and the pharmacy), made breakfast, done laundry (whites AND colors, so yeah, pretty legit), renewed my registration with the ARDC (no unauthorized practice of law for me, thank you very much), and paid some bills. I actually don't think I could make my life sound any more banal if I tried, but hey, I'm pretty excited about it. Closet organizers are like pornography to me.
I'm glad to have the extra time today, because yesterday sort of disappeared for me. I had a conference call first thing in the morning that devolved into a contest to see who could tell the longest, most boring, and least relevant story about something that had happened in their legal practice once. And everyone did so well in that contest I wouldn't even be able to pick a winner, let me tell you. Also I didn't get off the phone until noon. Then I had rehearsal all afternoon for a show I'm doing that I won't identify lest anyone try to see it, but suffice it to say it involves lots of puns and parodies. It's like a slightly less classy Weird Al production. Then there was the gym, Burger King (yes, these two cancel each other out), and catching up on the DVR. I may or may not have started to lose consciousness around 11 PM.
Anyway, it's a whole new world of Daylight Savings. I'll be sure to remember how much I like it when I'm looking out into the darkness at 4:30 on Tuesday.
Since we have an extra hour in the day today, I've made all sorts of amazing plans to get things done. So far today I have gone to church (God says "hey"), gone to the pharmacy (which is a bigger feat than it sounds, given that there are two street closures between me and the pharmacy), made breakfast, done laundry (whites AND colors, so yeah, pretty legit), renewed my registration with the ARDC (no unauthorized practice of law for me, thank you very much), and paid some bills. I actually don't think I could make my life sound any more banal if I tried, but hey, I'm pretty excited about it. Closet organizers are like pornography to me.
I'm glad to have the extra time today, because yesterday sort of disappeared for me. I had a conference call first thing in the morning that devolved into a contest to see who could tell the longest, most boring, and least relevant story about something that had happened in their legal practice once. And everyone did so well in that contest I wouldn't even be able to pick a winner, let me tell you. Also I didn't get off the phone until noon. Then I had rehearsal all afternoon for a show I'm doing that I won't identify lest anyone try to see it, but suffice it to say it involves lots of puns and parodies. It's like a slightly less classy Weird Al production. Then there was the gym, Burger King (yes, these two cancel each other out), and catching up on the DVR. I may or may not have started to lose consciousness around 11 PM.
Anyway, it's a whole new world of Daylight Savings. I'll be sure to remember how much I like it when I'm looking out into the darkness at 4:30 on Tuesday.
