Thursday, October 29, 2015
This Should Tell You How My Week Is Going
I steam burned my finger on the Lean Cuisine I was heating up at my office the other night.
It actually hurt like a motherfucker. I spent a good portion of the night dipping it in cold water to alleviate the pain. As in I walked around carrying a little glass of cold water to dip it in. I am a mature, irresistible man.
I am contemplating various legal actions against basically everyone I know, of course. Obviously, this had nothing to do with so-called "user error."
I steam burned my finger on the Lean Cuisine I was heating up at my office the other night.
It actually hurt like a motherfucker. I spent a good portion of the night dipping it in cold water to alleviate the pain. As in I walked around carrying a little glass of cold water to dip it in. I am a mature, irresistible man.
I am contemplating various legal actions against basically everyone I know, of course. Obviously, this had nothing to do with so-called "user error."
Sunday, October 25, 2015
America's Next Top Pet Model
So in what may well go down as one of the biggest blunders since someone decided the world was hungry for Katherine Heigl to return to television, we opted to take Aubrey in to have her Halloween photo taken today. It turns out she was not what one would call a natural model.
The costume was a stunning frock designed to make her look like a rodeo bull with a rider on her back. We practiced at home and she really captured the essence of bull. At the store, however, she captured the essence of a terrified dog desperately fleeing a photographer. She was pulling towards the front door on her leash the entire time. And when they would call her name or make noises to get her to look at the camera, she would just startle and stare crazily at whichever of us was nearest to her. The photographer was literally at a loss, having never seen an animal so deeply ridiculous before. They tried to give her treats, which she accepted, before cowering as though she had just been branded with a curling iron.
Finally they just suggested that Ian and I should jump into the photo with her. Which was great, since neither of us had exactly planned on modeling today. Or, you know, showered. These will definitely be some precious memories when they arrive.
So in what may well go down as one of the biggest blunders since someone decided the world was hungry for Katherine Heigl to return to television, we opted to take Aubrey in to have her Halloween photo taken today. It turns out she was not what one would call a natural model.
The costume was a stunning frock designed to make her look like a rodeo bull with a rider on her back. We practiced at home and she really captured the essence of bull. At the store, however, she captured the essence of a terrified dog desperately fleeing a photographer. She was pulling towards the front door on her leash the entire time. And when they would call her name or make noises to get her to look at the camera, she would just startle and stare crazily at whichever of us was nearest to her. The photographer was literally at a loss, having never seen an animal so deeply ridiculous before. They tried to give her treats, which she accepted, before cowering as though she had just been branded with a curling iron.
Finally they just suggested that Ian and I should jump into the photo with her. Which was great, since neither of us had exactly planned on modeling today. Or, you know, showered. These will definitely be some precious memories when they arrive.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Shock, Dismay
McDonald's all-day breakfast is a lie, people! This one is bigger than Benghazi and Whitewater combined.
Turns out you can't just get any breakfast item you want all day. No, it's limited to like McMuffins and those sad little pancakes I've never seen anyone actually eat. Bacon-based items are completely out of the question. Which makes no sense, because don't they have bacon cheeseburgers on the menu all day? You can't just grab some of that bacon and slap it on a muffin for me?
Of course, I didn't find out until I was already in the drive through. So I had no choice but to order a tragic McMuffin and console myself with a large fry. Which was secretly kind of amazing. Probably just because I've been eating a whole lot of salad lately.
If there hasn't already been class action litigation over this, I would like to nominate myself as a named plaintiff. Thank you for your time and attention.
McDonald's all-day breakfast is a lie, people! This one is bigger than Benghazi and Whitewater combined.
Turns out you can't just get any breakfast item you want all day. No, it's limited to like McMuffins and those sad little pancakes I've never seen anyone actually eat. Bacon-based items are completely out of the question. Which makes no sense, because don't they have bacon cheeseburgers on the menu all day? You can't just grab some of that bacon and slap it on a muffin for me?
Of course, I didn't find out until I was already in the drive through. So I had no choice but to order a tragic McMuffin and console myself with a large fry. Which was secretly kind of amazing. Probably just because I've been eating a whole lot of salad lately.
If there hasn't already been class action litigation over this, I would like to nominate myself as a named plaintiff. Thank you for your time and attention.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Dog & Baby Show
Yesterday Aubrey's doggie day care had a Halloween party. We took her, not because we thought she'd necessarily enjoy it, but because we thought it would be good for her. Also because it's fun to make her wear costumes. We went with the giraffe.
There was a lot of trembling and drooling on the way over there (from her, not me), but ultimately I think she had a pretty good time. She ran around and sniffed some butts and she got some nice treats. She did spend a fair amount of time rushing the exits, but she never actually escaped, and a couple of times I actually caught her playing. So she is improving.
I wish I'd known in advance what a fine affair this would be, as they had a lot of amazing snacks for the humans in attendance and even an open bar! The wine list was a bit lacking, but I think that's probably true of most doggie day cares.
Afterwards, we hosted a little play date for my nephew and our friend's baby. It turns out babies do seem to sort of enjoy relating to each other. There was a lot of strong eye contact and even a bit of rolling. Certainly I've had dates that have gone worse.
Yesterday Aubrey's doggie day care had a Halloween party. We took her, not because we thought she'd necessarily enjoy it, but because we thought it would be good for her. Also because it's fun to make her wear costumes. We went with the giraffe.
There was a lot of trembling and drooling on the way over there (from her, not me), but ultimately I think she had a pretty good time. She ran around and sniffed some butts and she got some nice treats. She did spend a fair amount of time rushing the exits, but she never actually escaped, and a couple of times I actually caught her playing. So she is improving.
I wish I'd known in advance what a fine affair this would be, as they had a lot of amazing snacks for the humans in attendance and even an open bar! The wine list was a bit lacking, but I think that's probably true of most doggie day cares.
Afterwards, we hosted a little play date for my nephew and our friend's baby. It turns out babies do seem to sort of enjoy relating to each other. There was a lot of strong eye contact and even a bit of rolling. Certainly I've had dates that have gone worse.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
'Tis the Postseason
So let me start by saying that I am a Cubs fan and I am thrilled that the Cubs are doing so well this year. But man, oh man, is it a pain in the ass. There's no parking anywhere and streets are being shut down all over and seemingly at random. People are getting in fights in the streets and creating trash at an alarming rate. And most nights I go to bed to the sound of helicopters overhead. But the absolute worst part of all of this has to be how difficult it makes it to get a beagle with attention deficit disorder to pee. Seriously, I am out there for half an hour at a time, and she just goes from one distraction to the next. Hey, somebody's walking by! Hey, a car just drove by! Is that the train? Oh, somebody dropped some kind of wrapper here! Oooh, leaves! Let's eat them! All of which are noble thoughts, of course, but best expressed indoors, after urination. Yet again I must note that she is lucky to be cute.
So let me start by saying that I am a Cubs fan and I am thrilled that the Cubs are doing so well this year. But man, oh man, is it a pain in the ass. There's no parking anywhere and streets are being shut down all over and seemingly at random. People are getting in fights in the streets and creating trash at an alarming rate. And most nights I go to bed to the sound of helicopters overhead. But the absolute worst part of all of this has to be how difficult it makes it to get a beagle with attention deficit disorder to pee. Seriously, I am out there for half an hour at a time, and she just goes from one distraction to the next. Hey, somebody's walking by! Hey, a car just drove by! Is that the train? Oh, somebody dropped some kind of wrapper here! Oooh, leaves! Let's eat them! All of which are noble thoughts, of course, but best expressed indoors, after urination. Yet again I must note that she is lucky to be cute.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
The Interview
I always struggle to make small talk with cab drivers. Well, I guess not always; sometimes I just pretend to be on the phone. But it seems that cab drivers often view me as a good sounding board for their controversial views on race, religion, or class in America. Which makes it hard for me to smile and nod appropriately. If it weren't for my years of training with my habitually off color grandmother, I would be completely lost. Mainly I just try to redirect things to the weather and everyone's health. Cab drivers never seem as interested in discussing the physical failings of various female celebrities as my grandmother always was, however.
A special problem for me is the need to avoid being asked for legal advice. For that reason, I always try to evade the very simple traditional question of "what do you do?" The answer "I work for the state" seems to stop a lot of people in their tracks, perhaps because they're afraid I'm some sort of surly clerk from the Department of Sanitation or something. And it has the benefit of obscuring the legal nature of my employment. But if people ask the follow up question, I'm forced to admit that I work for the Attorney General, though that still leaves open the possibility that I'm a slutty file clerk with a heart of gold. Often people do pin me down as being a lawyer, leading to inevitable questions about people's complicated immigration statuses or the expungement of assuredly bogus shoplifting charges. Of course, the joke's on them, because I know absolutely nothing about any useful form of law.
I always struggle to make small talk with cab drivers. Well, I guess not always; sometimes I just pretend to be on the phone. But it seems that cab drivers often view me as a good sounding board for their controversial views on race, religion, or class in America. Which makes it hard for me to smile and nod appropriately. If it weren't for my years of training with my habitually off color grandmother, I would be completely lost. Mainly I just try to redirect things to the weather and everyone's health. Cab drivers never seem as interested in discussing the physical failings of various female celebrities as my grandmother always was, however.
A special problem for me is the need to avoid being asked for legal advice. For that reason, I always try to evade the very simple traditional question of "what do you do?" The answer "I work for the state" seems to stop a lot of people in their tracks, perhaps because they're afraid I'm some sort of surly clerk from the Department of Sanitation or something. And it has the benefit of obscuring the legal nature of my employment. But if people ask the follow up question, I'm forced to admit that I work for the Attorney General, though that still leaves open the possibility that I'm a slutty file clerk with a heart of gold. Often people do pin me down as being a lawyer, leading to inevitable questions about people's complicated immigration statuses or the expungement of assuredly bogus shoplifting charges. Of course, the joke's on them, because I know absolutely nothing about any useful form of law.
Monday, October 05, 2015
You Can't Go Home Again
Can we all agree that I need to learn how to say no to things? Over the past few years, I have ended up agreeing to pay my own way to Europe to help with a moot court team at a law school I never went to, to drive several hundred miles to give a five minute speech about being an honors student fifteen years ago, and to appear in several amateur theatricals written by and for middle aged lawyers. Do I really have that much spare time on my hands? I know the answer to that is no, because the unwatched Lifetime movies are piling up on my DVR. So I guess I just have severe psychological problems?
As a continuation of the important case study, I agreed to chair my fifteen-year college reunion this weekend. This despite the fact that I did not particularly want to attend my fifteen-year college reunion this weekend. It's not that I don't like strolling down that particular memory lane (though memory lane in Decatur is in kind of a bad neighborhood), it's just that I have already strolled it quite a few times recently. Like two years ago. And last April. But somehow I found myself getting up at 6 AM on a Saturday to drive down and pose for a photo with former classmates who I by and large do not speak to any more. And to eat catered chicken with representatives of the class of 1915 or something. I did get a nice commemorative plaque and a bag of popcorn, however, so it wasn't a complete wash.
Can we all agree that I need to learn how to say no to things? Over the past few years, I have ended up agreeing to pay my own way to Europe to help with a moot court team at a law school I never went to, to drive several hundred miles to give a five minute speech about being an honors student fifteen years ago, and to appear in several amateur theatricals written by and for middle aged lawyers. Do I really have that much spare time on my hands? I know the answer to that is no, because the unwatched Lifetime movies are piling up on my DVR. So I guess I just have severe psychological problems?
As a continuation of the important case study, I agreed to chair my fifteen-year college reunion this weekend. This despite the fact that I did not particularly want to attend my fifteen-year college reunion this weekend. It's not that I don't like strolling down that particular memory lane (though memory lane in Decatur is in kind of a bad neighborhood), it's just that I have already strolled it quite a few times recently. Like two years ago. And last April. But somehow I found myself getting up at 6 AM on a Saturday to drive down and pose for a photo with former classmates who I by and large do not speak to any more. And to eat catered chicken with representatives of the class of 1915 or something. I did get a nice commemorative plaque and a bag of popcorn, however, so it wasn't a complete wash.
