Thursday, November 30, 2006
Old Friends, New Friends
The other night my friend and I were accosted by a drunk person in a bar.
"Hey, you guys, you guys, is this like a 'private' conversation, or can I, can I join in?"
We explained that we hadn't seen each other in a while and were trying to get caught up, and, accordingly, would appreciate being left the hell alone.
"Okay, just let me say one thing, then, one thing. One. You got a hell of an ass, sweetheart."
Flattered as I was by that comment, it turned out to be for my friend, who simply looked embarrassed and took another sip of her drink. I put on my best hard look and repeated our request for privacy in a stern voice.
"No, I'm leaving, I'm leaving, that's fine. Just one more thing, though. I got to tell her one more thing."
Then he whispered something in her ear, which I only later got reported to me:
"He's too weak for you. I'll give it to you good."
It's nice when people are friendly.
The other night my friend and I were accosted by a drunk person in a bar.
"Hey, you guys, you guys, is this like a 'private' conversation, or can I, can I join in?"
We explained that we hadn't seen each other in a while and were trying to get caught up, and, accordingly, would appreciate being left the hell alone.
"Okay, just let me say one thing, then, one thing. One. You got a hell of an ass, sweetheart."
Flattered as I was by that comment, it turned out to be for my friend, who simply looked embarrassed and took another sip of her drink. I put on my best hard look and repeated our request for privacy in a stern voice.
"No, I'm leaving, I'm leaving, that's fine. Just one more thing, though. I got to tell her one more thing."
Then he whispered something in her ear, which I only later got reported to me:
"He's too weak for you. I'll give it to you good."
It's nice when people are friendly.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Excerpt From e.e. cummings Poem or Email From my Paralegal?
#1
who knows if the moon's
a balloon,coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
#2
who has the files from
dep last tuesday -- yikes --
need to produce to bad guys, no?
#3
but mr can you maybe listen there's
me &
some people
and others please
don't
confuse.
#4
listen up kids
out next wednesday --
hubby touring with band
and kids need a mom --
but michael (can) help and
(will be) super!
#5
my sweet old etcetera
aunt lucy during the recent
war could and what
is more did tell you just
what everybody was fighting
for,
#6
client called please
call immediately etcetera
or maybe you already did
and i dont know that if so
disregard this message
#1
who knows if the moon's
a balloon,coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
#2
who has the files from
dep last tuesday -- yikes --
need to produce to bad guys, no?
#3
but mr can you maybe listen there's
me &
some people
and others please
don't
confuse.
#4
listen up kids
out next wednesday --
hubby touring with band
and kids need a mom --
but michael (can) help and
(will be) super!
#5
my sweet old etcetera
aunt lucy during the recent
war could and what
is more did tell you just
what everybody was fighting
for,
#6
client called please
call immediately etcetera
or maybe you already did
and i dont know that if so
disregard this message
Monday, November 27, 2006
Jay-Related Maintenance Continues
I went to the eye doctor today. This is a task that I always enjoy because it makes me feel smart. Where else can I get complimented simply for knowing how to read, except perhaps the NFL? Every time he asks me if "I think I can make out" a line of type I feel like a total genius for being able to do so, even if I do sometimes mix up C and G or, in one instance, A and V.
"Can you read that?" he asks, gently. "Good." Then he awards me with a tiny bottle of contact solution and a plastic lens container, I assume as prizes for my literary dexterity.
There were two new figures at my eye doctor's office today, though, who definitely bear mentioning. First, there was the Receptionist Who Is Amazed By Ordinary Things:
"Wow, is that really your last name?" she said. "That's great!"
"Man, there are so many S-C-H names in this computer," she mused. "Isn't that weird?"
"Oh geez, your social security number is only four digits off from mine," she exclaimed. "Who would have thought?"
I thought she might need to be sedated. Then, there was the Sarcastic Frames Guy, who simply did his level best to make me feel like a complete douche:
"If you're worried about the cost, it won't be extra with your insurance," he informed me on the subject of those lenses that turn to sunglasses when you go outside. I didn't know how to explain that I simply didn't want to look like my high school German teacher.
"All the designers are doing that now. That's the latest thing," he explained when I observed that three colors seemed to me to be about two too many for a pair of frames.
And then, my favorite:
"I can get those in a larger size if your head's too big."
Who says that customer service is dead?
I went to the eye doctor today. This is a task that I always enjoy because it makes me feel smart. Where else can I get complimented simply for knowing how to read, except perhaps the NFL? Every time he asks me if "I think I can make out" a line of type I feel like a total genius for being able to do so, even if I do sometimes mix up C and G or, in one instance, A and V.
"Can you read that?" he asks, gently. "Good." Then he awards me with a tiny bottle of contact solution and a plastic lens container, I assume as prizes for my literary dexterity.
There were two new figures at my eye doctor's office today, though, who definitely bear mentioning. First, there was the Receptionist Who Is Amazed By Ordinary Things:
"Wow, is that really your last name?" she said. "That's great!"
"Man, there are so many S-C-H names in this computer," she mused. "Isn't that weird?"
"Oh geez, your social security number is only four digits off from mine," she exclaimed. "Who would have thought?"
I thought she might need to be sedated. Then, there was the Sarcastic Frames Guy, who simply did his level best to make me feel like a complete douche:
"If you're worried about the cost, it won't be extra with your insurance," he informed me on the subject of those lenses that turn to sunglasses when you go outside. I didn't know how to explain that I simply didn't want to look like my high school German teacher.
"All the designers are doing that now. That's the latest thing," he explained when I observed that three colors seemed to me to be about two too many for a pair of frames.
And then, my favorite:
"I can get those in a larger size if your head's too big."
Who says that customer service is dead?
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Thankskgivnig
When my friend Jeanne was a freshman in college, she lived with possibly the stupidest girl who has ever lived. In addition to emptying a Diet Coke onto Jeanne's computer on a dare and drunkenly confusing their shared closet with the bathroom, this young lady liked to write the names of holidays on her calendar in large block letters outlined in each of the colors of her naturally multicolored pen. For America's annual festival of overeating and pretending to care about football, she invented the most creative spelling I've ever seen -- "T-H-A-N-K-S-K-G-I-V-N-I-G." That's how I've known the holiday ever since.
My own thankskgivnig this year was pretty uneventful. We took my grandmother out to eat at an Old Person Restaurant as usual, but this year she didn't loudly whisper any unconventional views about Hispanics or the fat people at the table next to us, so that didn't really result in any incident. I went out with some of my friends and had several Long Islands, but unlike in years past I didn't insult anyone's John Deere cap or unusual arrangement of teeth, so there wasn't really anything to report there, either. My sister did buy one of those games where you dance on an electronic pad and get evaluated on your accuracy, so my feet have nearly been reduced to stumps while perfecting "Independant Woman Part I," but that's about the most interesting thing that's happened. Oh, and I went to nine different stores looking for Christmas cards, but that was more malodorous than fascinating.
Actually, I think the uneventfulness may in fact be what I am most thankful for.
When my friend Jeanne was a freshman in college, she lived with possibly the stupidest girl who has ever lived. In addition to emptying a Diet Coke onto Jeanne's computer on a dare and drunkenly confusing their shared closet with the bathroom, this young lady liked to write the names of holidays on her calendar in large block letters outlined in each of the colors of her naturally multicolored pen. For America's annual festival of overeating and pretending to care about football, she invented the most creative spelling I've ever seen -- "T-H-A-N-K-S-K-G-I-V-N-I-G." That's how I've known the holiday ever since.
My own thankskgivnig this year was pretty uneventful. We took my grandmother out to eat at an Old Person Restaurant as usual, but this year she didn't loudly whisper any unconventional views about Hispanics or the fat people at the table next to us, so that didn't really result in any incident. I went out with some of my friends and had several Long Islands, but unlike in years past I didn't insult anyone's John Deere cap or unusual arrangement of teeth, so there wasn't really anything to report there, either. My sister did buy one of those games where you dance on an electronic pad and get evaluated on your accuracy, so my feet have nearly been reduced to stumps while perfecting "Independant Woman Part I," but that's about the most interesting thing that's happened. Oh, and I went to nine different stores looking for Christmas cards, but that was more malodorous than fascinating.
Actually, I think the uneventfulness may in fact be what I am most thankful for.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Dental Madness
I went to the dentist yesterday. Because the prospect of having someone poke me in the gums with pointy things and lecture me about flossing was somehow insufficient to motivate me to figure out my new insurance, I hadn't been in over a year. This, as it turns out, did not really improve the experience. I am now to be subjected to a root canal in mid-December, I think primarily as punishment for my morally inexcusable delay. Don't worry, though, the receptionist told me that "she's had like six of them" and "they don't hurt at all," to the extent that she "sometimes falls asleep" mid canal. At least she stopped short of joking that it was "just like sex with her husband."
Of course, the lady who cleaned my teeth had to tell me all about her entire life, despite the fact that my contribution to the conversation was "urg-bler" and similar witticisms. Here are the topics we covered while I had about sixteen pounds of dental instruments in my mouth:
-- her Thanksgiving plans
-- how she hates cooking
-- how she hates her family
-- how she hates sports
-- how she hates traveling
-- what it's like for her to be from downstate
-- why she went to dental school in Chicago
-- where she likes to eat in Chicago
-- how she's hungry right now
-- how I can probably hear her stomach growling
And that was just the first five minutes. The best part was that every time I tried to participate in some way, despite the obvious impediments, she looked annoyed and asked me not to move. Meanwhile, she let me drool all over my neck.
I can't wait for mid December.
I went to the dentist yesterday. Because the prospect of having someone poke me in the gums with pointy things and lecture me about flossing was somehow insufficient to motivate me to figure out my new insurance, I hadn't been in over a year. This, as it turns out, did not really improve the experience. I am now to be subjected to a root canal in mid-December, I think primarily as punishment for my morally inexcusable delay. Don't worry, though, the receptionist told me that "she's had like six of them" and "they don't hurt at all," to the extent that she "sometimes falls asleep" mid canal. At least she stopped short of joking that it was "just like sex with her husband."
Of course, the lady who cleaned my teeth had to tell me all about her entire life, despite the fact that my contribution to the conversation was "urg-bler" and similar witticisms. Here are the topics we covered while I had about sixteen pounds of dental instruments in my mouth:
-- her Thanksgiving plans
-- how she hates cooking
-- how she hates her family
-- how she hates sports
-- how she hates traveling
-- what it's like for her to be from downstate
-- why she went to dental school in Chicago
-- where she likes to eat in Chicago
-- how she's hungry right now
-- how I can probably hear her stomach growling
And that was just the first five minutes. The best part was that every time I tried to participate in some way, despite the obvious impediments, she looked annoyed and asked me not to move. Meanwhile, she let me drool all over my neck.
I can't wait for mid December.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Now Let Us All Give Thanks
Roommate Liz and I had our annual Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. As per usual, Roommate Liz did the cooking as her contribution, and I stayed out of the way for mine. There was a turkey that weighed more than my dog (and was twice as delicious), two kinds of potatoes, and lots of different vegetables that I did not eat. It was quite the affair.
Did I mention that there were door prizes? Bobby and I discovered the many uses of the fake moustache kit.
Before its trip to the "sauna" (and subsequently our digestive tracks), the turkey defrosted via my tub.
What would Thanksgiving be without sluttiness? Here the Slutty Turkey and the Slutty Pilgrim stop by for some pie.
Guest Blogger Kathy brought these delightful pilgrim cookies, which are almost too cute to eat. Almost.
Roommate Liz and I had our annual Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. As per usual, Roommate Liz did the cooking as her contribution, and I stayed out of the way for mine. There was a turkey that weighed more than my dog (and was twice as delicious), two kinds of potatoes, and lots of different vegetables that I did not eat. It was quite the affair.
Did I mention that there were door prizes? Bobby and I discovered the many uses of the fake moustache kit.
Before its trip to the "sauna" (and subsequently our digestive tracks), the turkey defrosted via my tub.
What would Thanksgiving be without sluttiness? Here the Slutty Turkey and the Slutty Pilgrim stop by for some pie.
Guest Blogger Kathy brought these delightful pilgrim cookies, which are almost too cute to eat. Almost.Saturday, November 18, 2006
Fun, Sexy Times
I have spent much of the past few days in a small room going through boxes upon boxes of client invoices. Though the likelihood that I will find anything other than Starbucks receipts and FedEx tracking slips is somewhat less than tiny, I have to look at each and every slip of paper just to make sure that none of my client's employees have accidentally confessed to arming the Iraqis or giving Jennifer Lopez her start in the entertainment industry. I have already sustained several major paper cuts and one nasty head wound (from falling asleep and slumping over onto the table), but there are several fun and promising aspects to this project.
First of all, I brought a portable radio (or "boom box" as I believe it is known on the streets) into the mix. Although it only gets two stations in the aforementioned small room that is the situs of these important operations, both of them are amusingly hardcore. Yesterday's topic for discussion on the morning show was "Would you take a bullet for your woman?" The general consensus seemed to be that, no, one would not take a bullet for one's woman, for a variety of excellent reasons, such as (1) one would end up in the hospital, while one's woman would "still be out at the club," (2) one can't tell if one's woman is "real" or if she "be playin'," and (3) taking a bullet can have adverse consequences for one's health. To me, this is the REAL "learning channel."
Second, there is no phone in the small room. This means little to no harassment from my employers. Sure, there's still email, but it's a bit less annoying. Plus you can always say you didn't get it and blame the tech people. Poor fools.
Third, I kind of like moving invoices from one pile to another. And binding them together with rubber bands or grouping them in a gusset. Organization is very soothing for the soul. Which makes Martha Stewart's general wrath a real puzzler.
That's all I can think of right now, but in a profession so rife with benefits, I'm sure this is just "to be continued..."
I have spent much of the past few days in a small room going through boxes upon boxes of client invoices. Though the likelihood that I will find anything other than Starbucks receipts and FedEx tracking slips is somewhat less than tiny, I have to look at each and every slip of paper just to make sure that none of my client's employees have accidentally confessed to arming the Iraqis or giving Jennifer Lopez her start in the entertainment industry. I have already sustained several major paper cuts and one nasty head wound (from falling asleep and slumping over onto the table), but there are several fun and promising aspects to this project.
First of all, I brought a portable radio (or "boom box" as I believe it is known on the streets) into the mix. Although it only gets two stations in the aforementioned small room that is the situs of these important operations, both of them are amusingly hardcore. Yesterday's topic for discussion on the morning show was "Would you take a bullet for your woman?" The general consensus seemed to be that, no, one would not take a bullet for one's woman, for a variety of excellent reasons, such as (1) one would end up in the hospital, while one's woman would "still be out at the club," (2) one can't tell if one's woman is "real" or if she "be playin'," and (3) taking a bullet can have adverse consequences for one's health. To me, this is the REAL "learning channel."
Second, there is no phone in the small room. This means little to no harassment from my employers. Sure, there's still email, but it's a bit less annoying. Plus you can always say you didn't get it and blame the tech people. Poor fools.
Third, I kind of like moving invoices from one pile to another. And binding them together with rubber bands or grouping them in a gusset. Organization is very soothing for the soul. Which makes Martha Stewart's general wrath a real puzzler.
That's all I can think of right now, but in a profession so rife with benefits, I'm sure this is just "to be continued..."
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Further Highly Convincing Proof of How Incredibly Cool I Am
So my law firm had its annual prom a few weekends ago. Of course, they don't officially call it the prom, but it's so totally obvious. Everyone's so completely worried about who's going to be king and queen and if they're going to be able to "lose it" that night. But anyway, so as to fully complement the postadolescent vibe, we decided to take a limo to prom.
Somehow I was surprised to find that there was alcohol in the limo, perhaps because I had already been drinking. It was delicious, though. And note the classy laser lights on the ceiling. Totally makes the ladies wild.
On the way back, we got an SUV limo. It was like a dream come true. And look, Roommate Liz and I are doing that totally artistic thing where we take pictures of each other taking pictures. We are so awesomely meta.
So my law firm had its annual prom a few weekends ago. Of course, they don't officially call it the prom, but it's so totally obvious. Everyone's so completely worried about who's going to be king and queen and if they're going to be able to "lose it" that night. But anyway, so as to fully complement the postadolescent vibe, we decided to take a limo to prom.
Somehow I was surprised to find that there was alcohol in the limo, perhaps because I had already been drinking. It was delicious, though. And note the classy laser lights on the ceiling. Totally makes the ladies wild.
On the way back, we got an SUV limo. It was like a dream come true. And look, Roommate Liz and I are doing that totally artistic thing where we take pictures of each other taking pictures. We are so awesomely meta.Monday, November 13, 2006
The Cost of Democracy
With the Democrats taking control of both the House and the Senate in last week's elections, there's bound to be some changes in the halls of power:
-- Tax cuts for the wealthy replaced with tax cuts for the only sort of wealthy.
-- Barbara Boxer beats out Elizabeth Dole for "most fashionable;" Dole retains "prettiest smile" prize.
-- United Nations Ambassador John Bolton removed from office, forced to shave moustache.
-- Free abortions in the second floor broom closet.
-- On subject of potential war in Iran, Bush asked to "maybe run it past us first."
-- Binding resolution declares Jay Leno not funny.
-- Halliburton no longer officially a branch of government.
-- Arlen Specter now required to wear pants.
-- Gay people: still not too popular.
-- National Anthem changed to "Free Bird."
-- No more Page Program Wet Boxer Nights.
With the Democrats taking control of both the House and the Senate in last week's elections, there's bound to be some changes in the halls of power:
-- Tax cuts for the wealthy replaced with tax cuts for the only sort of wealthy.
-- Barbara Boxer beats out Elizabeth Dole for "most fashionable;" Dole retains "prettiest smile" prize.
-- United Nations Ambassador John Bolton removed from office, forced to shave moustache.
-- Free abortions in the second floor broom closet.
-- On subject of potential war in Iran, Bush asked to "maybe run it past us first."
-- Binding resolution declares Jay Leno not funny.
-- Halliburton no longer officially a branch of government.
-- Arlen Specter now required to wear pants.
-- Gay people: still not too popular.
-- National Anthem changed to "Free Bird."
-- No more Page Program Wet Boxer Nights.
Friday, November 10, 2006
The Week in Review
It has been, if there can be such a thing, a good week for me at work. I finally cleared out the old boxes of files I'd had blocking out my window for a good three months, I managed to get rid of the hand truck that was needlessly sitting outside my door, and I got a brand new printer. That's right, it no longer sounds like I'm murdering a seal when I print things out. My new printer is little and gray and cute and prints twice as fast as my old one. I think I'm in love.
On the home front, I think the cleaning lady finally effectively removed the last vestiges of pumpkin decay from our lives, and I'm getting somewhat caught up on my DVRs. Plus I finally read all of last week's mail. It's almost as though I actually live there.
Only detriments? Well, I accidentally put the dressing on my salad too early in the day on Tuesday and it ended up getting really soggy and gross. Oh, and the cleaning people at my office didn't take out my trash last night so it's smelled like onions in here all day. I just tell people I'm making stir fry.
It has been, if there can be such a thing, a good week for me at work. I finally cleared out the old boxes of files I'd had blocking out my window for a good three months, I managed to get rid of the hand truck that was needlessly sitting outside my door, and I got a brand new printer. That's right, it no longer sounds like I'm murdering a seal when I print things out. My new printer is little and gray and cute and prints twice as fast as my old one. I think I'm in love.
On the home front, I think the cleaning lady finally effectively removed the last vestiges of pumpkin decay from our lives, and I'm getting somewhat caught up on my DVRs. Plus I finally read all of last week's mail. It's almost as though I actually live there.
Only detriments? Well, I accidentally put the dressing on my salad too early in the day on Tuesday and it ended up getting really soggy and gross. Oh, and the cleaning people at my office didn't take out my trash last night so it's smelled like onions in here all day. I just tell people I'm making stir fry.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
My Trip to the Electoral College
I went to an election day party last night. I have to admit that I was somewhat skeptical about the entertainment value of watching the states of the union (some of which I still can't necessarily always tell apart, thanks to their incessant rectangularity) turn red or blue for an entire evening, but it was pretty fun. It turns out national elections aren't all that different from the time I ran for German Club Treasurer in eighth grade, although I haven't seen Jan Schakowsky handing out mini Snickers bars outside of any study halls lately. And I even found out what a "macaca" is!
I also really enjoyed flipping back and forth between the different news channels and seeing their various approaches. On CNN, for instance, they for some reason thought it would be entertaining to have a room full of political bloggers commenting on the election. Right, because bloggers are as a group so telegenic. On NBC, by contrast, I'm pretty sure Brian Williams was loaded. Not that I blame him. Meanwhile, the election was over about four hours earlier on FOX News on anywhere else, since they're really not shy on calling races even before they've, you know, actually happened. CNN wouldn't even call the race in Foley's old district when the guy conceded. I think they wanted it signed and notarized.
But anyway, the election was classic television, and I'm pleased with the results, too. Although personally I always write in "Oprah" for every office. She's just that good.
I went to an election day party last night. I have to admit that I was somewhat skeptical about the entertainment value of watching the states of the union (some of which I still can't necessarily always tell apart, thanks to their incessant rectangularity) turn red or blue for an entire evening, but it was pretty fun. It turns out national elections aren't all that different from the time I ran for German Club Treasurer in eighth grade, although I haven't seen Jan Schakowsky handing out mini Snickers bars outside of any study halls lately. And I even found out what a "macaca" is!
I also really enjoyed flipping back and forth between the different news channels and seeing their various approaches. On CNN, for instance, they for some reason thought it would be entertaining to have a room full of political bloggers commenting on the election. Right, because bloggers are as a group so telegenic. On NBC, by contrast, I'm pretty sure Brian Williams was loaded. Not that I blame him. Meanwhile, the election was over about four hours earlier on FOX News on anywhere else, since they're really not shy on calling races even before they've, you know, actually happened. CNN wouldn't even call the race in Foley's old district when the guy conceded. I think they wanted it signed and notarized.
But anyway, the election was classic television, and I'm pleased with the results, too. Although personally I always write in "Oprah" for every office. She's just that good.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Youtube Nation
My sister and I had some fun finding random old clips of hilarious things on Youtube last night. To begin with, I don't know if some of you have heard of a little daytime television program we like to call Days of Our Lives, but it used to be simply amazing. The year was 1997, and I was working over the summer for a local NBC affiliate, which meant I was subjected to NBC programming all day every day. (It also meant that I owned a Friends t-shirt and took angry calls from confused elderly viewers who "didn't like seeing so many negroes" on the local news, but that's another story.) But anyway, that summer for me was really the summer of Eileen Davidson, who played no less than four different characters on Days of Our Lives. There was the crazy-eyed, baby-stealing Kristen; the bucktoothed, Elvis-obsessed, malapropism-prone Susan; Susan's nun sister Mary Moira; and their brother Thomas, who I don't really remember much about, except that he was a man, as in fact Eileen Davidson was herself occasionally rumored to be. It was really a magical storyline, and to this day I'm still not sure whether the writers at the time were intentionally making it shit-your-pants funny. But anyway, there are tons of clips of it on Youtube; just search for "Days of Our Lives Kristen." You'll have to leave your self respect at the door.
We also found a bunch of clips from Square One TV, hands down my favorite math-related children's television program of the late eighties. If you don't remember the lyrics to "Eight Percent of My Heart," well then, you just might not have one.
My next mission is to find back 3-2-1 contact and "The Bloodhound Gang." Frankly, I'd just like to know why Mr. Bloodhound was never there.
My sister and I had some fun finding random old clips of hilarious things on Youtube last night. To begin with, I don't know if some of you have heard of a little daytime television program we like to call Days of Our Lives, but it used to be simply amazing. The year was 1997, and I was working over the summer for a local NBC affiliate, which meant I was subjected to NBC programming all day every day. (It also meant that I owned a Friends t-shirt and took angry calls from confused elderly viewers who "didn't like seeing so many negroes" on the local news, but that's another story.) But anyway, that summer for me was really the summer of Eileen Davidson, who played no less than four different characters on Days of Our Lives. There was the crazy-eyed, baby-stealing Kristen; the bucktoothed, Elvis-obsessed, malapropism-prone Susan; Susan's nun sister Mary Moira; and their brother Thomas, who I don't really remember much about, except that he was a man, as in fact Eileen Davidson was herself occasionally rumored to be. It was really a magical storyline, and to this day I'm still not sure whether the writers at the time were intentionally making it shit-your-pants funny. But anyway, there are tons of clips of it on Youtube; just search for "Days of Our Lives Kristen." You'll have to leave your self respect at the door.
We also found a bunch of clips from Square One TV, hands down my favorite math-related children's television program of the late eighties. If you don't remember the lyrics to "Eight Percent of My Heart," well then, you just might not have one.
My next mission is to find back 3-2-1 contact and "The Bloodhound Gang." Frankly, I'd just like to know why Mr. Bloodhound was never there.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Electapalooza
My sister is visiting this weekend, and she suggested that I write a little entry about politics, since election day is coming up. I think this is a great idea, because as many of you know, I'm something of a policy wonk. Or at least someone who enjoys saying "policy wonk." So I'm here to handicap the major races in the Chicagoland area:
-- For governor, Rod Blagojevich (D) versus Judy Barr Topinka (R). Since both of these candidates have terrible hair and may end up in jail before the end of the year, this race is really a referendum on cullottes. Let Judy know that, for her, hot pants just aren't.
-- For second house district, Robert Belin (R) versus Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D). Unfortunately, the younger Jackson isn't quite as poetic as his predecessor, but I hear that Robert Frost, Jr. had the same problem. Since I haven't even heard of the other guy, I figure this one is kind of a lock.
-- For the sixth house district, Tammy Duckworth (D) versus Peter J. Roskam (R). You almost feel sorry for a guy who has to run against an Iraq veteran with no legs. But then you realize that guy is an enormous tool.
-- For the eighth house district, Melissa Bean (D) versus David McSweeney (R) and Bill Scheurer (M). The fun thing about this race is the really awful, bloated pictures of Melissa Bean they found for McSweeney's negative campaign ads. I say we all vote for the third party candidate, which will be about as effective as voting in the Pepsi Challenge.
-- For secretary of state, Dan Rutherford (R) versus Jesse White (D). Jesse White has his own team of tumblers, which is pretty cool. He even got me to donate my organs. I mean, once I'm dead.
-- For Illinois senate district 40, Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson (D) versus Joseph M. Maun (R). I'll admit it, I just like Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson's name. Maybe some day I can be Mr. Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson. I'll sure be writing it on my notebooks all week long.
All right, that's about as political as I get, folks. Get out and rock the vote!
My sister is visiting this weekend, and she suggested that I write a little entry about politics, since election day is coming up. I think this is a great idea, because as many of you know, I'm something of a policy wonk. Or at least someone who enjoys saying "policy wonk." So I'm here to handicap the major races in the Chicagoland area:
-- For governor, Rod Blagojevich (D) versus Judy Barr Topinka (R). Since both of these candidates have terrible hair and may end up in jail before the end of the year, this race is really a referendum on cullottes. Let Judy know that, for her, hot pants just aren't.
-- For second house district, Robert Belin (R) versus Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D). Unfortunately, the younger Jackson isn't quite as poetic as his predecessor, but I hear that Robert Frost, Jr. had the same problem. Since I haven't even heard of the other guy, I figure this one is kind of a lock.
-- For the sixth house district, Tammy Duckworth (D) versus Peter J. Roskam (R). You almost feel sorry for a guy who has to run against an Iraq veteran with no legs. But then you realize that guy is an enormous tool.
-- For the eighth house district, Melissa Bean (D) versus David McSweeney (R) and Bill Scheurer (M). The fun thing about this race is the really awful, bloated pictures of Melissa Bean they found for McSweeney's negative campaign ads. I say we all vote for the third party candidate, which will be about as effective as voting in the Pepsi Challenge.
-- For secretary of state, Dan Rutherford (R) versus Jesse White (D). Jesse White has his own team of tumblers, which is pretty cool. He even got me to donate my organs. I mean, once I'm dead.
-- For Illinois senate district 40, Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson (D) versus Joseph M. Maun (R). I'll admit it, I just like Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson's name. Maybe some day I can be Mr. Debbie DeFrancesco Halvorson. I'll sure be writing it on my notebooks all week long.
All right, that's about as political as I get, folks. Get out and rock the vote!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
A Good Housekeeping Tip
If you've ever wondered if it's a good idea to keep jack-o-lanterns indoors for two weeks, it is not. The result of this impromptu science project is a collection of soggy, spongy, collapsed orange gunk, with an incredibly high orange water percentage that happily spills out all over your hardwood floors. Also on your socks. Attempts to contain this mess within trash bags will be futile, as this is apparently a substance that has the ability to travel through plastic. You will end up sobbing into your dumpster at eleven thirty at night.
It seems unlikely at this point that I will ever get my own home decorating show.
If you've ever wondered if it's a good idea to keep jack-o-lanterns indoors for two weeks, it is not. The result of this impromptu science project is a collection of soggy, spongy, collapsed orange gunk, with an incredibly high orange water percentage that happily spills out all over your hardwood floors. Also on your socks. Attempts to contain this mess within trash bags will be futile, as this is apparently a substance that has the ability to travel through plastic. You will end up sobbing into your dumpster at eleven thirty at night.
It seems unlikely at this point that I will ever get my own home decorating show.
