Saturday, January 31, 2015
Like Sands Through the Hourglass...
Do you ever have periods of your life where there's just so much to do and everything is just moving so fast that suddenly it's a whole new month and you didn't even realize it? And for some reason you have thirteen unwatched episodes of Revenge and the Whitney Houston Lifetime movie on your DVR? Also you haven't taken the Christmas tree down and it's almost President's Day? That sort of thing (if not that exact thing, as Christmas comes only once a year, despite the contrary legislation I have repeatedly lobbied for) seems to happen to me all the time now. It's weird but okay, I guess.
I've been doing a lot of writing. Mainly stupid sketch and musical stuff, and quite unlikely to be excerpted by Reader's Digest any time soon. But it's kind of fun (rhyming Lupita Nyongo in a song is likely to remain one of the highlights of my life) and probably more useful than, say, watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (OMG, what is the deal with Kim?). I'm still quite confident that I will one day win the Man Booker Prize, so long as they expand their eligibility guidelines a bit to include skits written for meetings of the organized bar. Keep sending those request letters, people.
Do you ever have periods of your life where there's just so much to do and everything is just moving so fast that suddenly it's a whole new month and you didn't even realize it? And for some reason you have thirteen unwatched episodes of Revenge and the Whitney Houston Lifetime movie on your DVR? Also you haven't taken the Christmas tree down and it's almost President's Day? That sort of thing (if not that exact thing, as Christmas comes only once a year, despite the contrary legislation I have repeatedly lobbied for) seems to happen to me all the time now. It's weird but okay, I guess.
I've been doing a lot of writing. Mainly stupid sketch and musical stuff, and quite unlikely to be excerpted by Reader's Digest any time soon. But it's kind of fun (rhyming Lupita Nyongo in a song is likely to remain one of the highlights of my life) and probably more useful than, say, watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (OMG, what is the deal with Kim?). I'm still quite confident that I will one day win the Man Booker Prize, so long as they expand their eligibility guidelines a bit to include skits written for meetings of the organized bar. Keep sending those request letters, people.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Kulchur Korner
I finally saw 12 Years a Slave. And by "saw," I mean "read the plot synopsis online and then watched from the kitchen with one hand over my eyes whenever something really brutal was happening." There was a bit more whipping and raping and slashing than in, say, 13 Going on 30. It was pretty hard to watch, but I think probably one of the only accurate depictions of slavery for that reason. The acting was good, and I really enjoy saying Lupita Nyongo. There was a bit too much of the calming imagery of nature for my taste, but it did serve as a nice palate cleanser. And I totally forgot Brad Pitt was in it, even after I saw him, because good lord did he look rough. Is Angelina depriving him of exfoliating cream? Anyway, I finally saw last year's Best Picture. Just in time to not have seen whatever ends up winning this year.
I finally saw 12 Years a Slave. And by "saw," I mean "read the plot synopsis online and then watched from the kitchen with one hand over my eyes whenever something really brutal was happening." There was a bit more whipping and raping and slashing than in, say, 13 Going on 30. It was pretty hard to watch, but I think probably one of the only accurate depictions of slavery for that reason. The acting was good, and I really enjoy saying Lupita Nyongo. There was a bit too much of the calming imagery of nature for my taste, but it did serve as a nice palate cleanser. And I totally forgot Brad Pitt was in it, even after I saw him, because good lord did he look rough. Is Angelina depriving him of exfoliating cream? Anyway, I finally saw last year's Best Picture. Just in time to not have seen whatever ends up winning this year.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Remember the Maine
Did I mention that my friend and former roommate Liz is moving to Maine? She was sort of a character on this thing for a while, back when I was still posting on the reg. She's the one who dressed up like a slutty pilgrim with me, somehow got fleas in my guest bedroom, explored the Dells, etc. Her husband is from Maine and they own a house out there; they've been renting it out as a vacation place, resulting in many fun calls from women named Padmini about low water pressure at four in the morning. And now they're going to give it a try for a while. Hopefully the toilets work better for them.
It's of course quite weird to think that the won't be around much after more than a decade of misadventures together. Who will blindly approve of my questionable fashion choices or gather anecdotes about the various extramarital affairs of our law school classmates? Certainly not Lupita Nyongo, I'll tell you that.
My approach to it so far has just been to remain in denial. That's certainly worked with global warming, so I have very high hopes.
Did I mention that my friend and former roommate Liz is moving to Maine? She was sort of a character on this thing for a while, back when I was still posting on the reg. She's the one who dressed up like a slutty pilgrim with me, somehow got fleas in my guest bedroom, explored the Dells, etc. Her husband is from Maine and they own a house out there; they've been renting it out as a vacation place, resulting in many fun calls from women named Padmini about low water pressure at four in the morning. And now they're going to give it a try for a while. Hopefully the toilets work better for them.
It's of course quite weird to think that the won't be around much after more than a decade of misadventures together. Who will blindly approve of my questionable fashion choices or gather anecdotes about the various extramarital affairs of our law school classmates? Certainly not Lupita Nyongo, I'll tell you that.
My approach to it so far has just been to remain in denial. That's certainly worked with global warming, so I have very high hopes.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm Full of Cliffhangers These Days
So I did come back to Chicago from Quincy and I am still alive. Mom actually drove part of the way back, something she had been nervous about doing. She's going through this interesting process of relearning to do things that dad had generally done: freeway driving, yard work, paying bills. It's like having a sixty-five-year-old child. She's a genuinely gifted child, though. Kept it at seventy the whole time she was driving and even managed some aggressive passing. We're working up to the middle finger; it's some pretty advanced citizenship.
Since getting back I've kind of been playing catchup. For instance, the Christmas tree still needed to come down. And the wreath to come off our front door. I'm pretty sure our neighbors were starting to think the place was abandoned. Also the DVR was, and is, way overloaded. As it turns out, 12 Years a Slave isn't exactly the kind of thing you pop on for a casual, fun night at home. Although I have thought up some pretty great drinking games to go with it.
So I did come back to Chicago from Quincy and I am still alive. Mom actually drove part of the way back, something she had been nervous about doing. She's going through this interesting process of relearning to do things that dad had generally done: freeway driving, yard work, paying bills. It's like having a sixty-five-year-old child. She's a genuinely gifted child, though. Kept it at seventy the whole time she was driving and even managed some aggressive passing. We're working up to the middle finger; it's some pretty advanced citizenship.
Since getting back I've kind of been playing catchup. For instance, the Christmas tree still needed to come down. And the wreath to come off our front door. I'm pretty sure our neighbors were starting to think the place was abandoned. Also the DVR was, and is, way overloaded. As it turns out, 12 Years a Slave isn't exactly the kind of thing you pop on for a casual, fun night at home. Although I have thought up some pretty great drinking games to go with it.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Change of Venue
In Quincy with my mom for the long weekend. Because nothing honors Dr. King like fighting mold, emptying mouse traps, and eating at salad bars. We've been spending a lot of time here lately; I guess I would consider us bicoastal, if the Mississippi River and Lake Michigan are both coasts. It's tough work being a landowner.
Mom actually has a studio up in Chicago now as well as the house in Quincy, did I mention that? Well, two houses, since she never sold my grandmother's. Which is why there is mold now, and why we are desperately packing and cleaning things in preparation to put it on the market. I would love to get some of those HGTV bitches on it, but it seems like they're mainly in Canada. I'm liberal and cold, does that count?
We've also been tackling my dad's office, or offices I guess, which have been consolidated into my mom's office, so there is literally stuff covering every surface. Turns out my dad saved everything that anyone ever put on paper for any reason. There are file folders that have a single, unfilled form in them. There are memos from the 1970s. There are printouts of late '90s websites. So yeah, there's a whole lot of recycling going on.
Oddly enough, it's not a bad way to spend a weekend. Beats a night out in Wrigleyville, at least.
In Quincy with my mom for the long weekend. Because nothing honors Dr. King like fighting mold, emptying mouse traps, and eating at salad bars. We've been spending a lot of time here lately; I guess I would consider us bicoastal, if the Mississippi River and Lake Michigan are both coasts. It's tough work being a landowner.
Mom actually has a studio up in Chicago now as well as the house in Quincy, did I mention that? Well, two houses, since she never sold my grandmother's. Which is why there is mold now, and why we are desperately packing and cleaning things in preparation to put it on the market. I would love to get some of those HGTV bitches on it, but it seems like they're mainly in Canada. I'm liberal and cold, does that count?
We've also been tackling my dad's office, or offices I guess, which have been consolidated into my mom's office, so there is literally stuff covering every surface. Turns out my dad saved everything that anyone ever put on paper for any reason. There are file folders that have a single, unfilled form in them. There are memos from the 1970s. There are printouts of late '90s websites. So yeah, there's a whole lot of recycling going on.
Oddly enough, it's not a bad way to spend a weekend. Beats a night out in Wrigleyville, at least.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Will Someone Please Check on Jennifer Aniston? Please?
Oscar nominations came out today. As has been the trend in recent years, they largely concern motion pictures I have not seen and likely will not see at any time in the near future. What can I say? I have a very active social life. But since I'm an American, I will not allow my lack of relevant information to prevent me from having strong opinions.
Best Picture. I feel like The Theory of Everything should probably win here, since its title sounds so comprehensive. All of the others present, at best, theories of something. I don't plan to see it, though, because I'm in that Twitter feud with Stephen Hawking. He knows what he did.
Best Director. I can't tell you how much I love the name Morten Tyldum. Not familiar with his work, though. Wes Anderson's movies remind me of when I used to make dioramas out of shoe boxes in second grade, so I'm giving it to him.
Best Actor. I actually did see Birdman, and Michael Keaton bummed me out like you wouldn't believe. Also, I'm over people winning Oscars for playing people with disabilities. Steve Carell's nose in Foxcatcher doesn't count.
Best Actress. Isn't Julianne Moore going to win this just because she's been nominated without winning so many times already? Who knew the Academy Awards were like your Sub Club card?
Best Supporting Actor. Hmm. I'm afraid to see Boyhood simply because I don't want to review the ways in which time has ravaged Ethan Hawke. But still, I think he should win, if only to try to keep him from writing more novels.
Best Supporting Actress. Two-time Oscar Nominee Keira Knightley. Yup, that's a thing now. So maybe someone can finally get her to eat?
Oscar nominations came out today. As has been the trend in recent years, they largely concern motion pictures I have not seen and likely will not see at any time in the near future. What can I say? I have a very active social life. But since I'm an American, I will not allow my lack of relevant information to prevent me from having strong opinions.
Best Picture. I feel like The Theory of Everything should probably win here, since its title sounds so comprehensive. All of the others present, at best, theories of something. I don't plan to see it, though, because I'm in that Twitter feud with Stephen Hawking. He knows what he did.
Best Director. I can't tell you how much I love the name Morten Tyldum. Not familiar with his work, though. Wes Anderson's movies remind me of when I used to make dioramas out of shoe boxes in second grade, so I'm giving it to him.
Best Actor. I actually did see Birdman, and Michael Keaton bummed me out like you wouldn't believe. Also, I'm over people winning Oscars for playing people with disabilities. Steve Carell's nose in Foxcatcher doesn't count.
Best Actress. Isn't Julianne Moore going to win this just because she's been nominated without winning so many times already? Who knew the Academy Awards were like your Sub Club card?
Best Supporting Actor. Hmm. I'm afraid to see Boyhood simply because I don't want to review the ways in which time has ravaged Ethan Hawke. But still, I think he should win, if only to try to keep him from writing more novels.
Best Supporting Actress. Two-time Oscar Nominee Keira Knightley. Yup, that's a thing now. So maybe someone can finally get her to eat?
Monday, January 12, 2015
Oops! I did It Again!
I completely forgot about this thing. But I swear, not every post from now on will open with that statement. Sometimes I'll just play it off like nothing happened.
Many miscellaneous fun times since we last spoke. I went to a karaoke party, where I received a white plastic top hat with the American flag on it. I also secretly signed my friend up to sing 9 to 5, which became much less hilarious when she secretly switched the sign-up to my name. Dolly Parton was rolling in her grave, despite the fact that she is very much alive.
Saturday we drove to Evanston and went to Chili's. We had a gift card. Not that I am saying that by way of defense, as I believe Chili's needs no defense. I ate my weight in fried cheese products. We also watched Iron Man 3, which I had cleverly taped off the Encore channel. Yes, we somehow failed to see Iron Man 3 until just now. Shut up. It's not like it's The Graduate or something that's part of our shared cultural heritage or something. Yet. I fully believe there will be future AFI tributes dedicated to the lesser roles of Gwyneth Paltrow.
Oh, and the Golden Globes. They were okay. I'm not sure that I've seen a single thing that won an award this year. Were any Nicole Eggert Lifetime movies up for anything? Because I've watched the shit out of those.
I completely forgot about this thing. But I swear, not every post from now on will open with that statement. Sometimes I'll just play it off like nothing happened.
Many miscellaneous fun times since we last spoke. I went to a karaoke party, where I received a white plastic top hat with the American flag on it. I also secretly signed my friend up to sing 9 to 5, which became much less hilarious when she secretly switched the sign-up to my name. Dolly Parton was rolling in her grave, despite the fact that she is very much alive.
Saturday we drove to Evanston and went to Chili's. We had a gift card. Not that I am saying that by way of defense, as I believe Chili's needs no defense. I ate my weight in fried cheese products. We also watched Iron Man 3, which I had cleverly taped off the Encore channel. Yes, we somehow failed to see Iron Man 3 until just now. Shut up. It's not like it's The Graduate or something that's part of our shared cultural heritage or something. Yet. I fully believe there will be future AFI tributes dedicated to the lesser roles of Gwyneth Paltrow.
Oh, and the Golden Globes. They were okay. I'm not sure that I've seen a single thing that won an award this year. Were any Nicole Eggert Lifetime movies up for anything? Because I've watched the shit out of those.
Monday, January 05, 2015
Side Effects
One interesting (?) side effect of my extended hiatus from the blog is that I now sometimes just plain old forget it exists. I used to have the habit of at least thinking about it every day before deciding that I would rather just watch back to back episodes of the Real Housewives and speculate about Brandi's mental health. But now days go by without me even thinking about it. So I guess now the blog understands how Kate Hudson feels.
Anyway, I'm trying to think what's new here. I guess I saw the final Hobbit movie this weekend with my mom. (And don't act like I'm some big nerd, because $200 million + worth of people have seen each of these damn movies.) It was okay. I swear in the all the time these three movies take they literally could have just read the entirety of the book out loud. There were some really good battle sequences, though. Like the one between Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lilly over whose hair was prettier. And there were fighting bears! Another thing Stephen Colbert was right about.
One interesting (?) side effect of my extended hiatus from the blog is that I now sometimes just plain old forget it exists. I used to have the habit of at least thinking about it every day before deciding that I would rather just watch back to back episodes of the Real Housewives and speculate about Brandi's mental health. But now days go by without me even thinking about it. So I guess now the blog understands how Kate Hudson feels.
Anyway, I'm trying to think what's new here. I guess I saw the final Hobbit movie this weekend with my mom. (And don't act like I'm some big nerd, because $200 million + worth of people have seen each of these damn movies.) It was okay. I swear in the all the time these three movies take they literally could have just read the entirety of the book out loud. There were some really good battle sequences, though. Like the one between Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lilly over whose hair was prettier. And there were fighting bears! Another thing Stephen Colbert was right about.
Thursday, January 01, 2015
Happy New Year!
What better way to kick it off than by lying in bed and watching TV all day? We started off with a bit of the modern classic known as Double Jeopardy, remembering a time when Ashley Judd was better known for executing intense action sequences without disturbing her hair than for writing op-eds about the weirdness of her face. Then we realized that Catwoman was on, and after a brief accidentally layover in the Spanish language version (which actually really adds a certain pathos, in my opinion), we settled in to try and discern the exact moment at which Sharon Stone's career ended. Of course, we had to check in with the Rose Bowl parade, if only to watch Nancy O'Dell passive aggressively swipe at the Property Brothers, who were co-hosting for some unknown (and perhaps unknowable) reason. Then there was a bit of Rehab Addict. There was nothing particularly funny about Rehab Addict (at least not today; I do think she may well have walled up her murder victims in some of those properties) so we flipped over to the Disney Channel. And now we're watching some terrible made-for-TV movie about a robot boyfriend. So yeah, I think we've pretty much got it together.
What better way to kick it off than by lying in bed and watching TV all day? We started off with a bit of the modern classic known as Double Jeopardy, remembering a time when Ashley Judd was better known for executing intense action sequences without disturbing her hair than for writing op-eds about the weirdness of her face. Then we realized that Catwoman was on, and after a brief accidentally layover in the Spanish language version (which actually really adds a certain pathos, in my opinion), we settled in to try and discern the exact moment at which Sharon Stone's career ended. Of course, we had to check in with the Rose Bowl parade, if only to watch Nancy O'Dell passive aggressively swipe at the Property Brothers, who were co-hosting for some unknown (and perhaps unknowable) reason. Then there was a bit of Rehab Addict. There was nothing particularly funny about Rehab Addict (at least not today; I do think she may well have walled up her murder victims in some of those properties) so we flipped over to the Disney Channel. And now we're watching some terrible made-for-TV movie about a robot boyfriend. So yeah, I think we've pretty much got it together.
