Friday, February 29, 2008
Happy Endings
I fell asleep on the couch last night and missed the last 15 minutes of Waitress. Well, I actually woke up right at the end, so I knew it all worked out pretty well, but I had no idea how. Everything seemed kind of shitty for poor Felicity when I fell asleep. Although the good news was that her hair was fully grown out and looked healthy and lustrous.
I have to say that I'm very glad it's Friday. Even if I will be working from home this weekend, it's much nicer to do it in my pajamas at my big old IKEA desk with records playing in the background. I may even go crazy and do some laundry while I'm at it. I'm afraid my sheets are reaching bedbug-attracting levels.
Of course, any more, Fridays for me typically end with me passed out in my bed at 11 PM, whether there's alcohol involved or not. I choose to view this as a sign of wisdom rather than age, but the fact is I can't rally like I used to. Unless, of course, I have a few red bull and vodkas at happy hour. Those essentially transform me into a hummingbird for the next six to eight hours.
I fell asleep on the couch last night and missed the last 15 minutes of Waitress. Well, I actually woke up right at the end, so I knew it all worked out pretty well, but I had no idea how. Everything seemed kind of shitty for poor Felicity when I fell asleep. Although the good news was that her hair was fully grown out and looked healthy and lustrous.
I have to say that I'm very glad it's Friday. Even if I will be working from home this weekend, it's much nicer to do it in my pajamas at my big old IKEA desk with records playing in the background. I may even go crazy and do some laundry while I'm at it. I'm afraid my sheets are reaching bedbug-attracting levels.
Of course, any more, Fridays for me typically end with me passed out in my bed at 11 PM, whether there's alcohol involved or not. I choose to view this as a sign of wisdom rather than age, but the fact is I can't rally like I used to. Unless, of course, I have a few red bull and vodkas at happy hour. Those essentially transform me into a hummingbird for the next six to eight hours.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Oscar Talk
Did anyone catch the big ceremony on Sunday? My sister and I had a party, and by "party" I mean that we both sat in the living room doing other things while it played in the background. The good news was that I got a whole lot of reading done.
The bad news was that for the first time in a long time, I really didn't care that much about any of it. The only one of the nominated movies I'd seen was Juno, and that inspired only the most lukewarm of feelings in me. Although I did enjoy seeing someone in a leopard skin dress win an Oscar. She looked as though she'd made a trip to the Deb.
The whole thing did seems shorter than usual to me, although that may be because I went to take a bath during the whole long part in the middle with all the boring technical awards. I betcha that Helen Mirren wished she could do the same thing.
Did anyone catch the big ceremony on Sunday? My sister and I had a party, and by "party" I mean that we both sat in the living room doing other things while it played in the background. The good news was that I got a whole lot of reading done.
The bad news was that for the first time in a long time, I really didn't care that much about any of it. The only one of the nominated movies I'd seen was Juno, and that inspired only the most lukewarm of feelings in me. Although I did enjoy seeing someone in a leopard skin dress win an Oscar. She looked as though she'd made a trip to the Deb.
The whole thing did seems shorter than usual to me, although that may be because I went to take a bath during the whole long part in the middle with all the boring technical awards. I betcha that Helen Mirren wished she could do the same thing.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Screenwriting 101
I was cleaning out some of the extraneous papers in my room, as I do roughly every couple of years or whenever I move, and I came across some screenplay pitches people in my screenwriting class a few years ago came up with. Now, that class was highly traumatic for me at the time -- mainly because I was forced to do a treatment for Two and a Half Men -- but now I can see the humor in it. Namely the fact that 47-year-old Amway salespeople and functionally illiterate college dropouts were baring their souls through poorly-conceived (and wretchedly spelled) story ideas. And in additional to the invaluable character study these pitches provide, they also have the hilarious benefit of bearing no resemblance to anything that could ever appear on the silver screen. To wit:
One of the pitches deals with a robot ghost. How a robot becomes a ghost (or a ghost becomes a robot, perhaps?) is never explained. Nor is any of this intended ironically. There is an important social message about racial acceptance. (And again, who knew that robots have races?)
Another is a clearly autobiographical piece about a middle-aged housewife who suddenly becomes a movie star. Right, because that happens all the time. Wasn't Julia Roberts PTA president before she became America's favorite prostitute with a heart of gold? This one also had suggested casting -- apparently there's a love interest role with Dr. McDreamy's name on it!
Then there are the ones that contain bizarre sex stuff. Random fourgies, indiscriminate Medieval humping, you name it. Clearly intended for the Disney audience.
But my favorite has to be the story of a priest who develops magical powers and starts working for the CIA. He has a special assignment to bring down Saddam Hussein (remember, this was a few years ago), which is almost derailed by a series of hilarious mishaps (pratfalls, anyone?). In a shocking twist, everything works out in the end. God bless the USA!
I was cleaning out some of the extraneous papers in my room, as I do roughly every couple of years or whenever I move, and I came across some screenplay pitches people in my screenwriting class a few years ago came up with. Now, that class was highly traumatic for me at the time -- mainly because I was forced to do a treatment for Two and a Half Men -- but now I can see the humor in it. Namely the fact that 47-year-old Amway salespeople and functionally illiterate college dropouts were baring their souls through poorly-conceived (and wretchedly spelled) story ideas. And in additional to the invaluable character study these pitches provide, they also have the hilarious benefit of bearing no resemblance to anything that could ever appear on the silver screen. To wit:
One of the pitches deals with a robot ghost. How a robot becomes a ghost (or a ghost becomes a robot, perhaps?) is never explained. Nor is any of this intended ironically. There is an important social message about racial acceptance. (And again, who knew that robots have races?)
Another is a clearly autobiographical piece about a middle-aged housewife who suddenly becomes a movie star. Right, because that happens all the time. Wasn't Julia Roberts PTA president before she became America's favorite prostitute with a heart of gold? This one also had suggested casting -- apparently there's a love interest role with Dr. McDreamy's name on it!
Then there are the ones that contain bizarre sex stuff. Random fourgies, indiscriminate Medieval humping, you name it. Clearly intended for the Disney audience.
But my favorite has to be the story of a priest who develops magical powers and starts working for the CIA. He has a special assignment to bring down Saddam Hussein (remember, this was a few years ago), which is almost derailed by a series of hilarious mishaps (pratfalls, anyone?). In a shocking twist, everything works out in the end. God bless the USA!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Recent Developments
I just discovered that they are still in fact holding Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Didn't Road Rules get cancelled a few years ago? And isn't Beth like 40 now? Not that I'm complaining. I think the possibility of broken hips adds a certain element of suspense to the proceedings.
I saw Cloverfield last night, because apparently I stumbled into a time machine set to one month ago. It was kind of okay. They did a good job of making the characters so relatively unlikable that you rooted for the monster to eat and/or maul them. The handheld camera made me want to vomit, though. And I had to sit through the preview for 10,000 BC yet again.
Did I mention that I know someone on American Idol this year? His name is Luke Menard. He frequently wears a retarded hat on the show, but he was fairly cool in real life. We were even in a madrigal ensemble together, which involved the most fantastic puffy shirts and pantaloons. Please don't repeat that to anyone.
I just discovered that they are still in fact holding Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Didn't Road Rules get cancelled a few years ago? And isn't Beth like 40 now? Not that I'm complaining. I think the possibility of broken hips adds a certain element of suspense to the proceedings.
I saw Cloverfield last night, because apparently I stumbled into a time machine set to one month ago. It was kind of okay. They did a good job of making the characters so relatively unlikable that you rooted for the monster to eat and/or maul them. The handheld camera made me want to vomit, though. And I had to sit through the preview for 10,000 BC yet again.
Did I mention that I know someone on American Idol this year? His name is Luke Menard. He frequently wears a retarded hat on the show, but he was fairly cool in real life. We were even in a madrigal ensemble together, which involved the most fantastic puffy shirts and pantaloons. Please don't repeat that to anyone.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Presidential Fun Facts
-- George Washington had not only wooden teeth but also granite nipples.
-- Andrew Jackson built the Hermitage with his bare hands in only seven days.
-- Woodrow Wilson liked big butts, and he could not lie.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson was the inspiration for popular TV character Rhoda.
-- George H.W. Bush has never sneezed.
-- In addition to fear itself, Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a debilitating fear of bees.
-- Bejamin Harrison felt really terrible that no one was interested in assassinating him.
-- Andrew Johnson's nickname was "Big Johnson" in high school.
-- Thomas Jefferson later admitted to being "high as a kite" when he wrote the Declaration of Independence.
-- Millard Fillmore had a funny name.
-- Ronald Reagan ghost wrote an entry in the Babysitter's Club series.
-- George Washington had not only wooden teeth but also granite nipples.
-- Andrew Jackson built the Hermitage with his bare hands in only seven days.
-- Woodrow Wilson liked big butts, and he could not lie.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson was the inspiration for popular TV character Rhoda.
-- George H.W. Bush has never sneezed.
-- In addition to fear itself, Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a debilitating fear of bees.
-- Bejamin Harrison felt really terrible that no one was interested in assassinating him.
-- Andrew Johnson's nickname was "Big Johnson" in high school.
-- Thomas Jefferson later admitted to being "high as a kite" when he wrote the Declaration of Independence.
-- Millard Fillmore had a funny name.
-- Ronald Reagan ghost wrote an entry in the Babysitter's Club series.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The Adequate Debaters
I judged a high school debate competition this morning. This is not how I typically spend my Saturday mornings; I tend to prefer sleeping until 11 or watching some marathon of something on basic cable. But somehow I felt like a caring nurturer next week, and I decided to get up at 7 and drive to the south side to watch inner city high schoolers shout at each other. I've really got to stop being such a humanitarian.
Judging debate is kind of hard, as it turns out, because everything happens really fast. They try to get as many points out as possible in a short period of time so the other side won't have time to respond to them. It ends up sounding very much like those irritating Jimmy Johns commercials, except without the thought of a delicious sandwich to carry you through. I ended up having no idea what they were saying a lot of the time, so I just judged them on style points. It was a lot like American political process in that regard.
Overall, I though everyone did a really good job. They had these little cases of evidence they used to argue their points, and they frequently employed Clintonian arm gestures in making their cases. This is why I believe that children are our future.
I judged a high school debate competition this morning. This is not how I typically spend my Saturday mornings; I tend to prefer sleeping until 11 or watching some marathon of something on basic cable. But somehow I felt like a caring nurturer next week, and I decided to get up at 7 and drive to the south side to watch inner city high schoolers shout at each other. I've really got to stop being such a humanitarian.
Judging debate is kind of hard, as it turns out, because everything happens really fast. They try to get as many points out as possible in a short period of time so the other side won't have time to respond to them. It ends up sounding very much like those irritating Jimmy Johns commercials, except without the thought of a delicious sandwich to carry you through. I ended up having no idea what they were saying a lot of the time, so I just judged them on style points. It was a lot like American political process in that regard.
Overall, I though everyone did a really good job. They had these little cases of evidence they used to argue their points, and they frequently employed Clintonian arm gestures in making their cases. This is why I believe that children are our future.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
No, I Am Not Rerunning a "Best of" Episode
It's just that crazy people seem to follow me everywhere.
This morning I was once again treated to a 20-minute monologue as I rode the train downtown. This time it was a wild-eyed lady rather than a ginormously fat man, but her views were no less irritating or loudly shared. The thrust of her argument was that people these days are very rude and have no consideration from others, though I don't think she meant to serve as a visual aid in support of her own point.
"Why do they have to listen to their music so loud?" she shouted, wholly unironically, as she gestured at the hapless gentleman in headphones beside her. "It's so rude. The whole train doesn't have to hear you!"
Then she broadened her point.
"I tell you, everything's changed. There's no manners, no politeness these days. It didn't use to be that way."
And by way of example:
"When I was a kid if an adult told you to do something, you did it. But just the other day, I told this girl on the train to be quiet and you know what she said? She said, 'You're not my mother.' Can you imagine?"
Then turning to arts and entertainment:
"It's all those shows on the TV these days with their bad language and violence that do it. I tell you, I can't watch any of it. That's why I have to watch my Perry Mason. Channel 27. Nine o clock. I never miss it."
And to politics:
"I mean, you can't even watch the news these days. Always people shouting about this war or that election. And that Hillary Clinton is just so aggressive. In my day, that wasn't considered ladylike."
This is why I really need some headphones of my own.
It's just that crazy people seem to follow me everywhere.
This morning I was once again treated to a 20-minute monologue as I rode the train downtown. This time it was a wild-eyed lady rather than a ginormously fat man, but her views were no less irritating or loudly shared. The thrust of her argument was that people these days are very rude and have no consideration from others, though I don't think she meant to serve as a visual aid in support of her own point.
"Why do they have to listen to their music so loud?" she shouted, wholly unironically, as she gestured at the hapless gentleman in headphones beside her. "It's so rude. The whole train doesn't have to hear you!"
Then she broadened her point.
"I tell you, everything's changed. There's no manners, no politeness these days. It didn't use to be that way."
And by way of example:
"When I was a kid if an adult told you to do something, you did it. But just the other day, I told this girl on the train to be quiet and you know what she said? She said, 'You're not my mother.' Can you imagine?"
Then turning to arts and entertainment:
"It's all those shows on the TV these days with their bad language and violence that do it. I tell you, I can't watch any of it. That's why I have to watch my Perry Mason. Channel 27. Nine o clock. I never miss it."
And to politics:
"I mean, you can't even watch the news these days. Always people shouting about this war or that election. And that Hillary Clinton is just so aggressive. In my day, that wasn't considered ladylike."
This is why I really need some headphones of my own.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Automotive Department
I know that people do all kinds of things while they're driving. And far be it from me to judge, for I have attempted both reading and changing my pants while behind the wheel. (Both successfully, I might add.) But today on my way home I witnessed a woman eating a sandwich with one hand and trying to pop a zit with the other as she careened down Lake Shore Drive. I mean, forget about safety; that's not even hygenic.
Of course, I've barely been able to get my car out of the driveway for the past few days. The melting and refreezing of the snow has resulted in a five-inch wall of ice surrounding my car, and the only way one can get over it is by angling the tires just right and rocking back and forth. Add in the fact that the trip backwards into the alley is wholly blind, and it's a recipie for pure and utter safety. I'm thinking of switching over to a dogsled team.
I know that people do all kinds of things while they're driving. And far be it from me to judge, for I have attempted both reading and changing my pants while behind the wheel. (Both successfully, I might add.) But today on my way home I witnessed a woman eating a sandwich with one hand and trying to pop a zit with the other as she careened down Lake Shore Drive. I mean, forget about safety; that's not even hygenic.
Of course, I've barely been able to get my car out of the driveway for the past few days. The melting and refreezing of the snow has resulted in a five-inch wall of ice surrounding my car, and the only way one can get over it is by angling the tires just right and rocking back and forth. Add in the fact that the trip backwards into the alley is wholly blind, and it's a recipie for pure and utter safety. I'm thinking of switching over to a dogsled team.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Iced Out
I attended a production of High School Musical 1 & 2 on Ice this week. Of course we went as a joke, but that joke became slightly less funny when we realized that, in the third row, we were about two feet away from the performers at pretty much all times. Actually, it because a lot more funny, but we tried to suppress our laughter so as not to be rude. I am of cours always a paragon of etiquette and class.
The entire evening made me very glad to be a Disney stockholder. In addition to the $60 for the tickets, there were $5 hot dogs, $5 nachos (with an extra $1 for extra cheese), $20 souvenir programs, and even $12 cotton candy. Everywhere you turned there was something for a beleagured parent to buy, and some sugar-primed child screaming for it. Did I mention that we were the only people over 16 there who weren't babysitting some child? I have very sophisticated tastes.
But anyway, the show was totally amazing. They dressed all the performers EXACTLY like the characters in the movie so the children wouldn't be at all challenged by the performance, incorporating what had to be the worst wigs ever made in history. The "acting" between songs was so enormous it could likely be seen from space. There were lots of wholly unnecessary pyrotechnics. And as a special bonus, the skaters fell a few times in amusing but not fatal ways. Plus they wrapped it up in an hour and forty-five minutes so no one missed their bedtime.
I attended a production of High School Musical 1 & 2 on Ice this week. Of course we went as a joke, but that joke became slightly less funny when we realized that, in the third row, we were about two feet away from the performers at pretty much all times. Actually, it because a lot more funny, but we tried to suppress our laughter so as not to be rude. I am of cours always a paragon of etiquette and class.
The entire evening made me very glad to be a Disney stockholder. In addition to the $60 for the tickets, there were $5 hot dogs, $5 nachos (with an extra $1 for extra cheese), $20 souvenir programs, and even $12 cotton candy. Everywhere you turned there was something for a beleagured parent to buy, and some sugar-primed child screaming for it. Did I mention that we were the only people over 16 there who weren't babysitting some child? I have very sophisticated tastes.
But anyway, the show was totally amazing. They dressed all the performers EXACTLY like the characters in the movie so the children wouldn't be at all challenged by the performance, incorporating what had to be the worst wigs ever made in history. The "acting" between songs was so enormous it could likely be seen from space. There were lots of wholly unnecessary pyrotechnics. And as a special bonus, the skaters fell a few times in amusing but not fatal ways. Plus they wrapped it up in an hour and forty-five minutes so no one missed their bedtime.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
On the Having of Good Times
People keep asking me what I did for my birthday, and inevitably seem disappointed when I tell them that I got a 1/2 pound cheesburger and chili fries from Wrigleyville Dogs and watched my 30 Rock DVDs. Do they think that turning 30 has changed me into a different person? It's not like I'm suddenly going to enjoy putting on shiny shirts and doing tequila shooters in the Gold Coast. And need I remind everyone that it is February in Chicago? Going out is a punishment, not a reward.
Of course, I like to think of myself as 13 going on 30, anyway. I'm planning to have some madcap fish out of water adventures potentially including a dance number set to Thriller any time now.
As if in honor of my sudden old age, the sun has forsaken this city for the past week or so. It's so foggy I can't even see a foot outside my window. (As in the measurement; no phantom body parts are floating near my building.) I'm to the point where I'm thinking about getting one of those sun lamps like my grandmother has. That ought to class up the joint.
People keep asking me what I did for my birthday, and inevitably seem disappointed when I tell them that I got a 1/2 pound cheesburger and chili fries from Wrigleyville Dogs and watched my 30 Rock DVDs. Do they think that turning 30 has changed me into a different person? It's not like I'm suddenly going to enjoy putting on shiny shirts and doing tequila shooters in the Gold Coast. And need I remind everyone that it is February in Chicago? Going out is a punishment, not a reward.
Of course, I like to think of myself as 13 going on 30, anyway. I'm planning to have some madcap fish out of water adventures potentially including a dance number set to Thriller any time now.
As if in honor of my sudden old age, the sun has forsaken this city for the past week or so. It's so foggy I can't even see a foot outside my window. (As in the measurement; no phantom body parts are floating near my building.) I'm to the point where I'm thinking about getting one of those sun lamps like my grandmother has. That ought to class up the joint.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Happy Birthday to Me
In honor of my 30th, I thought I'd highlight some of my greatest accomplishments from my first thirty years:
-- Playing George Washington in my second grade play (I got a cardboard horse).
-- Buying, and then never wearing, a hat that says "A little pussy never hurt anyone."
-- Completing the paint by number masterwork Puppy Climbing Over Log.
-- Buying Castlevania on amazon.com for $3.99.
-- Eating my weight in nachos.
-- Stumping the guess-your-weight guy at Six Flags.
-- Becoming a published Haiku poet against my will.
-- Inventing the world's first gin and vodka; vomiting.
-- Realizing Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse before everyone else did.
-- Recognizing that Thanksgiving, too, can be a slutty holiday.
-- Finding constant humor in public transportation.
-- Training the temp to actually answer my phone.
-- Using a lot of gerunds.
In honor of my 30th, I thought I'd highlight some of my greatest accomplishments from my first thirty years:
-- Playing George Washington in my second grade play (I got a cardboard horse).
-- Buying, and then never wearing, a hat that says "A little pussy never hurt anyone."
-- Completing the paint by number masterwork Puppy Climbing Over Log.
-- Buying Castlevania on amazon.com for $3.99.
-- Eating my weight in nachos.
-- Stumping the guess-your-weight guy at Six Flags.
-- Becoming a published Haiku poet against my will.
-- Inventing the world's first gin and vodka; vomiting.
-- Realizing Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse before everyone else did.
-- Recognizing that Thanksgiving, too, can be a slutty holiday.
-- Finding constant humor in public transportation.
-- Training the temp to actually answer my phone.
-- Using a lot of gerunds.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Come Fly With Me
I'm supposed to be in New York right now, but due to a steady two days of snow and flight cancellations, I am instead sitting in my room watching the last ten minutes of Make Me a Supermodel. I've decided that the really fun thing about the airlines is all the lying. I mean, why do they have to pretend that they're going to get a plane out at 12:15 at night during a blizzard? Why can't they just admit it's cancelled? Is it just that they love the thrill of getting people to drive out to the airport and sit in those uncomfortable chairs for hours at a time?
Luckily, this time I didn't take the bait. I stayed home and reviewed documents for work as I received message after message about cancellations and delays. And when my flight was officially delayed about eight hours, I had the good sense to realize that there was no chance of it going anywhere, no matter what American said. Admittedly, I was assisted in this task by the fact that I 1) have eyes and 2) can see when banks of snow are pushing up against my second story windows. If only the folks in the airline business could be as savvy.
I'm supposed to be in New York right now, but due to a steady two days of snow and flight cancellations, I am instead sitting in my room watching the last ten minutes of Make Me a Supermodel. I've decided that the really fun thing about the airlines is all the lying. I mean, why do they have to pretend that they're going to get a plane out at 12:15 at night during a blizzard? Why can't they just admit it's cancelled? Is it just that they love the thrill of getting people to drive out to the airport and sit in those uncomfortable chairs for hours at a time?
Luckily, this time I didn't take the bait. I stayed home and reviewed documents for work as I received message after message about cancellations and delays. And when my flight was officially delayed about eight hours, I had the good sense to realize that there was no chance of it going anywhere, no matter what American said. Admittedly, I was assisted in this task by the fact that I 1) have eyes and 2) can see when banks of snow are pushing up against my second story windows. If only the folks in the airline business could be as savvy.
