the ocean

An Office Miracle

So today I was talking to a friend as I got out of the elevator at work, and I guess somehow I was gesticulating a bit, and I accidentally tossed my building ID back into the elevator, where it landed on the crack between the elevator and my floor. My friend and I both dived for it, only to see the elevator door close right over it. As the elevator went up, I thought I heard it slip down the crack into the inky depths below. This made me somewhat sad, as it was a nearly-new building ID and it had a fun picture on it where I clearly had sassface. Also it takes like half an hour to get a new one and the lady who works there is really sarcastic, which is not nearly as much fun when it's directed towards you. But I sucked it up and told my secretary I would need a temporary card until I could find the time to get a new one. So imagine my surprise when, half an hour later, some random lady showed up at my door with my card. Apparently it only fell down to the next floor, and she saw it when she was getting out of the elevator. We were reunited and, well, frankly, it felt so good.

Admittedly as miracles go it's not exactly on a loaves and fishes scale, but it did save me a trip to the other elevator bank. And who knows what I might have dropped down that one?

Unpleasantness

Can we talk about the fact that I have a conference call at 6:30 AM tomorrow? I'll be rising with the elderly and the meth addicted. My plan is to take it at home in my pajamas while getting ready for work, but still, that's way early for me. I can't even form sentences before 9. I believe my insights on the call will be strictly limited to interjections and a few pronouns here and there. It's with Canadians, though, so I'm sure they'll think I'm very wise. Maybe I'll wow them with my knowledge of Degrassi.

Speaking of which, it was a fairly uneventful day today. I did catch up on my DJH:TNG this morning, which was fairly disappointing. Paige is overweight, they've added all these new characters I don't understand who have terrible haircuts, and the plotlines are becoming completely ludicrous. I guess they were bound to run out of teen pregnancies and drug problems eventually. But anyway, after that I just worked for a while, went to the grocery store where I impulse bought Fruit Roll Ups, and talked with my parents. They're into Skype now, did I mention that? That way they can make me talk to the dogs.

Issue Spotting

Did anybody watch the debate tonight? I did not. I figured if I wanted to watch an old man yell at a black guy, I could just hang around downtown for a while. I honestly cannot stand the tenor of modern political discourse; if the Gettysburg address were written today it would probably just be ten minutes of stale soundbites about tax cuts and flag pins. So instead I watched the Cubs game, which was almost certainly an even more depressing choice. There are so many parallels between Democracy and the Cubs, the most prominent being that neither one really works.

I've had one of those weeks that is so busy I can't bring myself to do anything on Friday night except come home, eat some Cool Ranch Doritos, take a shower, and play Scramble on Facebook for a while. I do somehow distantly recall that there was a time when I used to tear things up on Friday (even Thursday!) nights, but the most I can muster now is a glass of the week-old white wine in my fridge. Next thing you know I'll be watching The Ghost Whisperer and bitching to anyone who'll listen about the state of the world. It's the Circle of Life.

Struggles

Is it possible that I have cholera? I am coughing up a storm right now, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it. At first I thought I just got some of my ACT Fluoride Rinse down the wrong pipe, but a vigorous gargling does not seem to have cured the problem. I will give it another ten minutes, and then I am calling the Centers for Disease Control.

Other than communicable diseases, I have not terribly much to report. I spent two hours the other day shopping for wall art, but then backed out at the last minute because I didn't want to spend $300 if I wasn't completely sure I liked the frame. I finally finished Middlemarch, which was beginning to feel more like Latedecember. And I have now watched portions of Rushmore on cable on five or six different occasions this week. I am living the dream, I tell you. I am living the dream.

Lazy Sunday

Last night we went to an all-you-can-drink fundraiser, which was of course a terrible mistake. After spending a couple of hours drinking generic-brand vodka drinks and discovering there was for some reason artfully-framed pornography in the men's restroom, we ended up in Walgreen's buying Giant Chewy Nerds and Marlboro Lights. Then I got into scuffles with 1) a homeless man who was angered by my lack of change and 2) a stranger in a bar who unaccountably wanted to fight over whether Obama will really bring change. These two gentlemen should definitely get together.

Now I'm just doing my typical Sunday things like doing laundry, cleaning the house so as not to be embarrassed in front of my cleaning lady tomorrow, and wondering what the hell happened to my weekend. Oh, and I'm struggling to finish Middlemarch, like any typical red-blooded male. I may watch the Cubs game later, but since they clinched yesterday I imagine I won't recognize a single one of the players today. Oh, and I'll likely worship, so I can get good and pissed off for the week. Apparently I feel the world is very interested in my schedule for the day.

God, I need to get more interesting, if only so I have more to blog about. Maybe I'll develop a drug problem.

Thoughts

For the past two weeks, my caller ID at work has shown a call from Merrill Lynch every single day. Do you think maybe they wanted me to buy them? I daresay they're getting a bit closer to my price range.

Last night the cab I took home from work smelled like raisins. I didn't really ever even think of raisins as having a particular smell, but there it was. And the driver was listening to conservative talk radio. Sexy times.

Today at work they had cookies for someone's birthday. I didn't really know the guy whose birthday it was, but I had like six cookies. I'm not sure if that's strictly ethical. It was definitely delicious, however.

Tonight I am going out to dinner and them I am going to watch last night's Top Model. I have so much left to learn from Tyra. My smiling with my eyes still needs a lot of work.

Alone Again, Naturally

Did I mention that my sister has moved back to Champaign for the semester? For the first time in five years I am living by myself. There is no one else here to eat my potato chips and not buy new ones, steal my CDs, or have angry sex on my desk. No one is going to set my DVR to record adult programming on Showtime or the Spanish-language news. No one will come home drunk, try to make a chicken pot pie, and blast Three Doors Down's "Kryptonite." And if I want to walk around naked, I am free to do so. So far I haven't wanted to, but I reserve the right.

Of course, I haven't had a roommate who actually does any of those things in years, so mainly I just miss the companionship. It's weird not to have someone who will watch Comcast On Demand Videos with me (Vanessa Hudgens' "Sneakernight" is so fetch) or play Nintendo games for hours on end. When I come home from work cranky, I have no one to snap at unnecessarily. Plus there is no one there to hear my various witty remarks, which are of course many. I can always invite one of my friends over, of course, but I generally have to be all nice to them and stuff. Such a burden!

Three Days of Rain

Cook County has just declared a state of emergency due to flooding. I personally have suffered nothing more than a little bit of inconvenience and some very wet jeans, but apparently the Chicago River has even overflowed its banks on the Northwest side. It reminds me of when the Mississippi flooded back in 1993 and I went out with my friends to fill sandbags in my Umbros. Except that no one is playing C & C Music Factory right now, although they should be. I guess that highways have even been closed due to flooding, as opposed to being closed because someone has driven a semi into a Wendy's, as seems to be the usual course. Here's hoping we can make it through the week without any more rain!

On a completely unrelated note that I just sort of want to mention, even though I may not have anything particularly comic to say about it, Carlos Zambrano pitched a no hitter for the Cubs tonight. It's the first Cubs no hitter since 1972. I actually got to watch all of it, too, although part of it I had the sound off because I was on the phone with my parents. And I did briefly switch over to ABC Family to see if Bring it On: All or Nothing was on. But for the most part I was there, and it was amazing. It really seems like it may be the Cubs' year!

Bad Credit

Ghost Story

I just finished watching Ghostbusters II, and I have more questions than answers.

How did an evil Carpathian warrior end up trapped in a painting in the first place? Isn't it kind of weird that the two major supernatural events of the century would both center around Sigourney Weaver? And how did she go from being in an orchestra to working in an art gallery? Did she take an extension course at the local community college? Was it ever really that easy to get into the Statute of Liberty at 10 PM on New Year's Eve? Doesn't that raise the specter of terror attacks? And doesn't the threat of ghost attacks seem a bit antiquated in a post September 11 world? Why does the African-American ghostbuster seem to have so little to do? And what is he up to these days? When did New York City become so racially heterogeneous? Why do all the special effects look like they were created using Colorforms?

Some of these may actually have been covered; I wasn't paying that much attention.

Actual Images That Come Up When You Google Search My Name

Well, I don't know who these people are, but they look happy. That's good. There's a black guy there, so I'm guessing it's not the Republican National Convention.

This is not me, although I do have that outfit. It's child molester chic.

Apparently, I was established in 1947, which explains a lot.

It's nice to be associated with formal wear, I suppose. Perhaps I won a Local Emmy and don't know it.

Storm's A Brewin'

I believe Hurricane Gustav has just hit Chicago. It has been pouring all day, to such an extent that the cab driver just yelled at me not to put my umbrella on the seat (which I was not doing, by the way). He then treated me to a 10 minute rant about how people in Chicago never take cabs when it's not raining but then complain that they can't get a cab when it rained. I seriously feared he might pull a gun on me. And then was secretly disappointed when he did not.

Now I'm home and largely dried off and playing scrabble on facebook with my sister. I fear this shall be my new addiction. It's just that I'm so good with words and/or things that are pointless.

And speaking of hurricanes, did anyone see Palin's speech last night? I actually didn't, because I feared I might vomit violently throughout, but I read the coverage today, and it was enough to cause me a little bit of a mouth barf. It seems this woman is trying out for the role of a Disney villainess. Her singing voice is nowhere near as lovely, however.

Suggested Additional Sarah Palin Scandals

-- Rigged her first PTA election.
-- Stole cookie recipe from Hadassah Lieberman.
-- Served as guest writer for several episodes of TV's Becker.
-- Isn't completely convinced of literal truth of one verse of the Old Testament.
-- Actually finds Kathie Lee Casuals to be somewhat poorly made.
-- Once used middle name and name of street she grew up on to come up with "porn name."
-- Accidentally voted for Nader in 2000 due to butterfly ballot.
-- Secretly thinks McCain is "kind of wrinkly."
-- Faked birth of all five children, who are actually orphans owned by the Disney corporation.
-- Stole her glasses from Tina Fey.
-- Was lip syncing many of her speeches.
-- Really couldn't believe it wasn't butter.