the ocean

What Did We Atone For This Year?

-- Leaving our Channukah decorations up until Valentine's Day.
-- Wearing spats.
-- Refusing to believe that Neil Patrick Harris is gay.
-- Sending our African baby back.
-- Having naughty thoughts throughout season premiere of Dance Your Ass Off.
-- Referring to self as "wise Latina."
-- Eating entire bag of fun size Skittles packs.
-- Starting preemptive war.
-- Being Diablo Cody.
-- Limiting the Snuggie to only two fashion colors.
-- Bangs.
-- Writing screenplay to Coyote Ugly.
-- Quitting halfway through term as governor.
-- Not hating Katherine Heigl sufficiently.

An Open Letter to the Parents of Chicago

Okay, so I know your job is totally hard and all, what with children being our future and everything, but is it too much to ask for you to not drop your 10-year-olds off unaccompanied at the 7:30 showing of (500) Days of Summer? I mean, I know it's the indie sensation of the summer and Zoe Deschanel is a national treasure and all that, but it does have a little bit of what they refer to as "adult situations," and the last thing I want is to have your child asking aloud what a penis is twenty minutes into the movie. Or if you're going to drop them off, the least you can do is train them to pay attention for more than three minutes at a time, so that they're not constantly asking "Is that Summer? Is that Summer?" throughout the proceedings. Oh, and if they can't eat the popcorn without rifling loudly through the bag every two seconds, then they don't really need it. Or hey, maybe you can wait for the DVD and then you can all have popcorn and frank conversations about sexuality together at home. Just a thought.

If you'll give me this one I'll totally let you have Target all to yourselves. I'm nothing if not flexible.

KC Masterpiece

I sort of forgot to mention that I went to Kansas City. That's a sentiment that's unlikely to become their tourism slogan any time soon, and yet it is the case. I was there on Sunday night and Monday morning for work. Probably about 19 hours total. So needless to say, I did not see much of the magnificent City of Fountains. I did not even get any barbecue. The closest I got was the airport Quiznos.

So I can say this of the Paris of the Plains: it has a nice airport. Seriously, very manageable and comfortable. I got through security in about five minutes. It also has a serviceable Marriott. I'm not nuts about their $8.99 for internet policy, but I suppose it's worth that much to find out that Toni Collette won the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy. The bed was very soft and the shampoo smelled nice.

I did not like the water. The tap water I had tasted very earthy. Like a fourth grader's science project. I had some bottled water at the law firm I was deposing at, and that was quite fine.

They've got some nice law firms in Kansas City. Or one, at least. They had ample outlets for your laptops and other business paraphernalia. And they kept the beverages coming. I can be a rather thirsty person at times.

Would I go back to Kansas City? Sure, why not? For one thing, I'm pretty sure I left my travel-sized mouthwash there.

The Bread Accord

I can't say my sister's return to my condo has been completely without issues. She frequently leaves dishes in the sink, much to the dismay of the dishwasher not more than two feet away. She remains pathologically afraid of our cleaning lady, about which she might not actually be so far off base. And for the past several weeks she has refused to eat the wheat bread I buy, stating that it is "gross" and "has chunks in it."

Now I'm no fan of grossness or chunks, god knows, but I also refuse to eat any bread that is petroleum based on has a picture of a clown on it. And those two points seem to encapsulate my sister's preferences in the matter. And so for weeks we had two loaves of bread sitting side by side in the cupboard, slowly molding as they both managed to remain more or less uneaten.

But last night at Target a miracle occurred (as they often do at Target), and we were able to agree on a product marketed as "smooth wheat." Apparently it both lacks chunks and is for grownups. I had my inaugural slices today and they were what I can best term fine. And my sister seems satisfied, too. Peace in the Middle East cannot be far behind.

News Flash

Somehow I was unaware that there had been a fourth entry in the Bring it On series. I mean, not that it's not completely warranted by the amount of cheerleading-related humor that still remains untapped, but I'm sort of surprised that I didn't know about it. I mean, if there's a terrible movie that airs on ABC Family, I'm usually very much in the know. Based on the description in my cable guide, this one involves a "bright and energetic young cast" and focuses on what happens "when rival high-school squads battle at a cheerleader camp." I guess I'll still have to wait for that dark reimagining a la Batman Begins.

The really great news though is that Spider Man 3 is back in the Encore rotation for the week. I'm guessing that I've commented on this before, but Spider Man 3 is amazing in that it's as though they are trying to make you hate the whole franchise. I mean, Tobey Maguire has an extended dance sequence (as the "evil Spider man," natch) and Kirsten Dunst sings in more than one scene. James Franco gets his face messed up halfway through the picture and thereafter is therefore left with absolutely no assets as a actor. Oh, and Topher Grace is in it. This was admittedly during the phase when Hollywood was trying to make Topher Grace happen (In Good Company, anyone?), but still it is inexcusable. Definitely check it out immediately if not sooner.

Modern Times

I finally got down to check out the Modern Wing at the Art Institute today. I say "finally" for two reasons. First, although it opened in April, I have not been within a three-block radius of the place in at least nine months. Second, thanks to the wonders of the Red Line, it took me forty-five minutes to get downtown. I played three separate games of Word Mole on my blackberry in the interim. So at least the time wasn't completely wasted.

The museum itself was really nice. The building is quite beautiful and really makes the most of its location with a lot of great views of the city and natural light. I like the fact that there's a long bridge to the third floor entrance from Millennium Park that might actually trick some parkgoers into checking out Salvador Dali and Willem de Kooning. Plus there's a coffee bar on the balcony overlooking the main hall, which makes for a delightful place to have a $2 bottle of apple juice. Oh, and the bathrooms have cool faucets. Everyone loves a cool faucet.

Having the extra space has allowed them to showcase more of their collection, which I can only imagine was previously stored in Rod Blagojevich's linen closet or loaned out to the Des Moines Museum of Fine Art. It also takes some of the pressure off of the Impressionists section of the old space, which traditionally was jammed with more white people than Denny's on a Sunday after church. I especially enjoyed the space devoted to Bruce Nauman, who has a video series where he tortures clowns. Sub in Katherine Heigl and he really might be on to something.

What Are We Protesting Now?

-- Exclusion from Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People.
-- Lack of Emmy recognition for Drop Dead Diva.
-- Arby's draconian "one horsey sauce per person" policy.
-- Complete media silence regarding Kanye West/Taylor Swift kerfuffle.
-- Need for prescription to obtain Valium.
-- Fergie.
-- Failure of unicorns to be real.
-- The "Julie" half of Julie & Julia.
-- Shocking impropriety of ladies with bare ankles.
-- Sex & the City's clear plagiarism from Seabiscuit.
-- Ejection from Hair Club for Men.

The Shouting News

There was a big protest in D.C. this weekend. I think it was nominally supposed to be about health care, but judging from the signs it was mostly about not enjoying the payment of taxes, with a little bit of Van Jones thrown in. Oh, and racism. There's always going to be a little bit of that.

It is strange to think this is what our national discourse has come to. If Lincoln and Douglas were debating today, Lincoln would just claim that Douglas was fucking his sister and Douglas would respond with a crack about the beard. Then they would each issue press releases claiming a victory.

Also over the weekend Serena Williams and Roger Federer yelled at line judges and Kanye West interrupted VMA winner Taylor Swift to declare his love of Beyonce. Great sentiment, but poor etiquette. At least he didn't say she looked like a poodle. Although he was thinking it, let's be honest.

Personal Reasons

So the new Top Model debuted last night. The spin this season is that it's all girls 5'7" or shorter, and it turns out that being short also makes a person insane. Either that or they were giving out crack in the green room. There was a lot of screaming and jumping that went on, and not just the kind that they obviously force them to do in the hopes that audiences will actually believe people are excited to see Miss Jay. The winner in that department definitely had to be Amber, who kept randomly shouting things about how she loved Jesus and he wanted her to be a model so she could reach people, apparently oblivious to the fact that after twelve cycles, no one on Top Model has really reached much farther than Mercedes' "welcome to Chili's" ad. Amber ended up mysteriously leaving the show before the first elimination for "personal reasons," which I can only assume means chlamydia. They immediately replaced her with Lisa, a limp dishrag of a girl who they dressed up like John Wayne Gacy and then eliminated. Gone too soon.

The real news of this cycle is that the budgets have clearly been cut dramatically. First of all, Paulina has been utterly eliminated, and Nigel seems terrified that Tyra might can him at any moment, too. Then then casting special, which in previous years has taken place on a cruise ship or in Las Vegas, was relegated to what appeared to be a Best Western business center. And the photo shoot was honestly a bit low rent as well, although not as bad as the one a few cycles ago where they literally just poured paint on the girls. I half expected Tyra to announce that the girls were just going to bunk with her this year. It would really serve her right, frankly.

Oh, and there was a girl named Sundai. It's pronounced "Sunday," but spelled with an "i." Need I say more?

Today's Extra Value Item of the Week? Awkwardness

Today at Jewel the cashier put out the call for a 21 year old to scan my purchase of Caffeine Free Diet Coke. It was a very odd situation. I mean, first of all, I have a hard time even remembering that there are people under 21 in the world. Sure, I had my days of sneaking Zima into a friend's basement and throwing up all over somone's mom's Precious Moments, but after ten years of legal drinking my frame of reference has shifted somewhat. But somewhat more obviously, Caffeine Free Diet Coke is not a controlled substance, right? It completely should be given that it's lure is more powerful to me even than that of Youtube videos of people falling down, but Congress has yet to recognize this light brown menace. So I had to point this out to the cashier, who was duly embarrassed. Which in turn embarrassed me, since frankly I really ought to be buying something cooler than unleaded soft drinks and Reduced Fat Wheat Thins. It's so tempting to read one's grocery cart as a metaphor for one's life.

Conversations

Although I talk to my mother fairly frequently, she has a habit of saving up everything she wants to tell me until I walk through the door for a weekend visit. Then it all comes pouring out in one long stream of consciousness narrative, over the first day and a half or so that I am there. And so, for instance, during dinner the first day:

"I saved an article for you about that one case your firm worked on. Did you see that? I know you didn't work on it, but I thought you might want to see it. And I was talking to Jessica Cantwell's mother the other day and she said you should give Jessica a call when you're in town. Did you know Jessica had another baby? And apparently that Kellner boy got married the other weekend. You know, the one with the pee problem? By the way, I have a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon if you need one."

And then while I was checking my e-mail later that night:

"Did you see that forward I sent you from Janice in my office? I know you don't like me to send those forwards, but I thought that was a pretty good one. What would you think about getting one of those take n bake pizzas from Papa Murphy's tomorrow night? You kids always seem to like them. I'm worried about this health care mess. Did I tell you your grandmother got into a fight with her mailman?"

Then the next morning, as I was doing situps:

"Do you maybe want to go to the Shoe Carnival while you're here? There's a big Labor Day weekend sale. Your sister said she thinks that one singer is creepy. Do you know who I'm talking about? Your father and I were thinking about getting an ice cream maker. The dog did the cutest thing two weeks ago, did I tell you?"

The saddest part is, by the time she gets back to a normal conversational tempo, it's usually time for me to leave.

Itenerary


It's been another busy day in Quincy. I started the day off by doing my ab workout on the living room floor while my parents ate breakfast and argued about communications theory. Then I drove out to the park for a run, only to have the road I usually take from our house to the park suddenly dead end in construction. Apparently, the powers that be have decided to rely on word of mouth rather than signage to get that news out. I did finally arrive at the park by an alternate route and did about four miles, although I was somewhat thwarted by having to dodge people's dogs every quarter mile or so. Then it was off to lunch with my 98-year-old grandmother.

What are the hot topics with 98-year-olds these days? Well, race relations remained a popular subject, along with The Young & The Restless. (The two actually intersect far more than one might think.) There was a lot to be said on the subject of which home-care workers she likes and which she doesn't (Linda, you devil, you!) and still more with regard to how my mother works too hard and is going to give herself an ulcer. We very briefly discussed whether I'd ever thought of opening my own law practice (no) and then moved pretty much permanently into the subject of the 1940s, when men were men and women liked to get their hair done. It was glorious.

Then this afternoon I did some work and took a trip to the dog park with my parents. True to form, our little beagle stood in the corner eating grass and refused to interact with any other dogs. I know how she feels.

You Can Go Home Again...

...but that doesn't necessarily mean that anyone will be there when you do. Today I made the five-hour-plus trip across the state to my parents' house today, only to find that they weren't home when I got here. So I let the dog out, helped myself to a Crystal Lite, and did a little work on the dining room table. And they still weren't home. So I flipped on the TV, watched a little bit of US Open coverage, went down and played the piano for a while, and called my sister. And they still weren't home. So I finally called my mother's office to see what the deal was. Apparently, the Friday before Labor Day weekend is a hot time for fiftysomething college administrators. I was lucky to be able to negotiate a 6 PM meeting for dinner.

After two and a half hours or so of family togetherness, I am yet again Home Alone. (I fully expect to fight off two bumbling burglars with hilarious consequences at any moment.) Apparently, the lure of the Super Wal-Mart was too strong for my parents. The good news is that they have agreed to bring me some Caffeine Free Diet Coke.

Tennis, Anyone?

In keeping with my recent tradition of writing about whatever is on the television in front of me, I would like to point out how much I enjoy the U.S. Open. I like tennis just generally, to the point that I have even been known to embarrass myself by losing a match to my sister and screaming at her in front of the mini golf course. I always tune in to Wimbledon and the French Open, and the Australian Open is one of the very few things I actually like about January. But the U.S. Open is my favorite, primarily because the New York crowds scream and yell as though they're at a monster truck rally. Also because Serena sometimes debuts her new "fashions" there, which at one point included spats. And who doesn't love spats?

My sister and I had a pretty amazing trip to Walgreen's tonight as well. I needed contact solution and a Chase ATM, and there's really no better place for that spectacular combination. We impulse bought a bag of mini Crunch bars and some Mountain Dew Ultraviolet, which turned out to be terrible. Who would have thought that simply being purple wouldn't render something completely delicious?