Sunday, August 30, 2009
Museum of Television
I don't know if you're aware of this, but The Nanny has recently arrived on Nick at Nite. Now I enjoyed The Nanny when I was but a lad, primarily because it had an animated opening sequence and a catchy theme song. But I have to admit that I sort of lost interest as the years wore on and puberty ravaged the young child stars. I had a vague awareness that (decade-old spoiler alert!) The Nanny and her boss got together towards the end, but I think I was probably too busy binge drinking and writing papers about T.S. Eliot to even tune in. Thanks to the miracle of boring summer television, however, I have a chance to enjoy the comedic wonders of Fran Drescher's adenoids once again.
So far we have taken in three episodes this evening. In one of them, Fran became convinced that Niles was a serial killer, with consequences every bit as hilarious as one might expect. There was some hiding in a closet involved. In another, Fran started dating one of Maggie's friends, without the legal consequences one might expect. And in the third there was the most incredible green screened "park" scene I have ever encountered. I seriously think they lifted the park footage from a filmstrip we watched in 9th grade biology.
Did you know that versions of The Nanny were filmed in several foreign countries? In Argentina they called it La Ninera.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but The Nanny has recently arrived on Nick at Nite. Now I enjoyed The Nanny when I was but a lad, primarily because it had an animated opening sequence and a catchy theme song. But I have to admit that I sort of lost interest as the years wore on and puberty ravaged the young child stars. I had a vague awareness that (decade-old spoiler alert!) The Nanny and her boss got together towards the end, but I think I was probably too busy binge drinking and writing papers about T.S. Eliot to even tune in. Thanks to the miracle of boring summer television, however, I have a chance to enjoy the comedic wonders of Fran Drescher's adenoids once again.
So far we have taken in three episodes this evening. In one of them, Fran became convinced that Niles was a serial killer, with consequences every bit as hilarious as one might expect. There was some hiding in a closet involved. In another, Fran started dating one of Maggie's friends, without the legal consequences one might expect. And in the third there was the most incredible green screened "park" scene I have ever encountered. I seriously think they lifted the park footage from a filmstrip we watched in 9th grade biology.
Did you know that versions of The Nanny were filmed in several foreign countries? In Argentina they called it La Ninera.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday Night Lights
Can I tell you that this may well be the best Friday night I've had in years? I got a ride home from work from my sister, so I didn't have to get jostled and sneezed on on the train. I made it to the dry cleaners just before it closed and now have a variety of readily available apparel for my weekend. I went to the gym at a lovely, uncrowded time and did not have to deal with ogres asking me if they could "work in." I stopped by the liquor store (again just barely before its close) and got a whole bunch of wine, thereby avoiding the September 1 alcohol tax increase. Then I watched two episodes of the Cosby Show with my sister (Theo got an earring with hilarious consequences) and that really brings us to the present. Should it bother me that the less I really do the happier I feel?
Of course, I will more than make up for it tomorrow, since I have enough work to do to last me two weekends. It turns out that people don't really stop suing each other, even in an economic downturn. They just complain a lot more about what their lawyers are costing them.
Can I tell you that this may well be the best Friday night I've had in years? I got a ride home from work from my sister, so I didn't have to get jostled and sneezed on on the train. I made it to the dry cleaners just before it closed and now have a variety of readily available apparel for my weekend. I went to the gym at a lovely, uncrowded time and did not have to deal with ogres asking me if they could "work in." I stopped by the liquor store (again just barely before its close) and got a whole bunch of wine, thereby avoiding the September 1 alcohol tax increase. Then I watched two episodes of the Cosby Show with my sister (Theo got an earring with hilarious consequences) and that really brings us to the present. Should it bother me that the less I really do the happier I feel?
Of course, I will more than make up for it tomorrow, since I have enough work to do to last me two weekends. It turns out that people don't really stop suing each other, even in an economic downturn. They just complain a lot more about what their lawyers are costing them.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Workin' It
So it looks like my gym is closing. This will be the third gym to close for me in as many years. I'm beginning to think it's something I'm putting out there. Are my exorbitant demands for shampoo in the shower area causing health clubs to go broke? Does my diet just make fitness centers want to give up? Or maybe it's the guy who feels the need to grunt loudly and clap his hands together repeatedly while riding the stationary bikes. Yeah, he kind of makes me want to close up shop, too.
The problem now, though, is that having closed all three gyms that were once near my office building, I don't really have anything left to choose from. There's a couple of places near my home but, let's face it, I barely spend enough time here to choose a dry cleaner that's nearby, much less a place I at least aspire to visit daily. I've thought about someplace on the way to or from work (well, I guess the ways to and from work are pretty much the same, geography being more or less a stationary target), but I feel like that will generally involve a commitment to awaking before eight that I can't really live up to.
Perhaps they'll make a one time exception and let me join the Curves for Women. I'm down to that or a series of gentle stretches at my desk.
So it looks like my gym is closing. This will be the third gym to close for me in as many years. I'm beginning to think it's something I'm putting out there. Are my exorbitant demands for shampoo in the shower area causing health clubs to go broke? Does my diet just make fitness centers want to give up? Or maybe it's the guy who feels the need to grunt loudly and clap his hands together repeatedly while riding the stationary bikes. Yeah, he kind of makes me want to close up shop, too.
The problem now, though, is that having closed all three gyms that were once near my office building, I don't really have anything left to choose from. There's a couple of places near my home but, let's face it, I barely spend enough time here to choose a dry cleaner that's nearby, much less a place I at least aspire to visit daily. I've thought about someplace on the way to or from work (well, I guess the ways to and from work are pretty much the same, geography being more or less a stationary target), but I feel like that will generally involve a commitment to awaking before eight that I can't really live up to.
Perhaps they'll make a one time exception and let me join the Curves for Women. I'm down to that or a series of gentle stretches at my desk.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
These Have Been Some Busy Times
Thursday I had dinner with friends and then there was the premiere of Project Runway: Lifetime Edition, which it turns out is a lot like the old version but with more crying. I was afraid they were going to have them design tampons or gowns for Meredith Baxter or something. I'm still not sure this is going to make up for the vacuum that was created when they lost The Golden Girls to the Hallmark Channel, but I guess it will have to do.
Friday I went to happy hour and then ran a series of very important errands. I always find it's better to run errands slightly buzzed. It makes the produce section at Jewel all that much more fascinating, and the unfortunate small talk of the bored 19-year-old Home Depot clerk somewhat bearable. I bought new shrubs for the front yard. Yes, I am the Dr. Death of the plant world. Deal with it.
Saturday I went out to my friend's lake house for the day, which consisted mainly of me getting lost repeatedly and stopping at frightening gas stations to pee. Seriously, the travel time put together was more than the time I spent at the lake. And then it was overcast and 65. The jet skis were committing ritual suicide.
Today the big news was my new phone. After two years of slavery with my Krzr (never buy a phone that lacks vowels) I have finally upgraded to a touchscreen and GPS. And I only had to endure some mild sales pressure to do it. At last, life is good again.
Thursday I had dinner with friends and then there was the premiere of Project Runway: Lifetime Edition, which it turns out is a lot like the old version but with more crying. I was afraid they were going to have them design tampons or gowns for Meredith Baxter or something. I'm still not sure this is going to make up for the vacuum that was created when they lost The Golden Girls to the Hallmark Channel, but I guess it will have to do.
Friday I went to happy hour and then ran a series of very important errands. I always find it's better to run errands slightly buzzed. It makes the produce section at Jewel all that much more fascinating, and the unfortunate small talk of the bored 19-year-old Home Depot clerk somewhat bearable. I bought new shrubs for the front yard. Yes, I am the Dr. Death of the plant world. Deal with it.
Saturday I went out to my friend's lake house for the day, which consisted mainly of me getting lost repeatedly and stopping at frightening gas stations to pee. Seriously, the travel time put together was more than the time I spent at the lake. And then it was overcast and 65. The jet skis were committing ritual suicide.
Today the big news was my new phone. After two years of slavery with my Krzr (never buy a phone that lacks vowels) I have finally upgraded to a touchscreen and GPS. And I only had to endure some mild sales pressure to do it. At last, life is good again.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Department of Bad Decisions
This afternoon I headed to my meeting across town without A) an umbrella, B) an ID, c) any credit or debit cards, and d) any cash. And so began a fascinating journey in which I was forced to sneak into two office buildings, one of which was my own, hit up a senior partner for cash, and walk halfway across town in the pouring rain. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
I did make one smart though somewhat terrifying choice in that I walked back to my office by way of lower Wacker, which meant that I stayed relatively dry, but had to weather (pun definitely intended) some startling encounters with homeless people. It turns out they like staying dry, too. In fact, they have some gorgeous cardboard box estates built up down there. I am contemplating a move.
I also prevailed upon my sister to pick me up from work, which was a delight. As a limousine service goes, she's a little less adherent to the ten and two rule than I would like and at times a bit mouthy, but far more conversant in Top Model history than most drivers. Clearly, I am blessed.
This afternoon I headed to my meeting across town without A) an umbrella, B) an ID, c) any credit or debit cards, and d) any cash. And so began a fascinating journey in which I was forced to sneak into two office buildings, one of which was my own, hit up a senior partner for cash, and walk halfway across town in the pouring rain. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
I did make one smart though somewhat terrifying choice in that I walked back to my office by way of lower Wacker, which meant that I stayed relatively dry, but had to weather (pun definitely intended) some startling encounters with homeless people. It turns out they like staying dry, too. In fact, they have some gorgeous cardboard box estates built up down there. I am contemplating a move.
I also prevailed upon my sister to pick me up from work, which was a delight. As a limousine service goes, she's a little less adherent to the ten and two rule than I would like and at times a bit mouthy, but far more conversant in Top Model history than most drivers. Clearly, I am blessed.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Mutations
X-Men: The Last Stand is on FX right now. If you've never seen the directorial stylings of Brett Ratner, I suggest you get to a television immediately. Although of course a purist would argue that you ought to start with Rush Hour, where his signature elements of not making sense and blowing a lot of shit up first really began to gel. Or even Money Talks, which is notable if only for the amount of Charlie Sheen wrangling that undeniably must have gone into its production. I prefer the X3, though, where Ratner managed to throw enough crap at the screen to make Brian Singer seem like a delicate genius. Oh, and it has Kelsey Grammer playing a character that amounts to Frasier in a furry blue suit. Not to be missed.
To be fair, there are a number of things I should be doing that are not watching comic book movies on FX. But I'm pretty sure my brain is broken. It happened at work today; I was thinking about an expert report and I'm pretty sure something just snapped. I ended up leaving at six and going to Taco Bell. And I'm fairly certain bed is in my not-too-distant future even though it is all of 8 PM. Seriously, I'm losing my mind. I'm just going to have to start falling back on my good looks from now on.
X-Men: The Last Stand is on FX right now. If you've never seen the directorial stylings of Brett Ratner, I suggest you get to a television immediately. Although of course a purist would argue that you ought to start with Rush Hour, where his signature elements of not making sense and blowing a lot of shit up first really began to gel. Or even Money Talks, which is notable if only for the amount of Charlie Sheen wrangling that undeniably must have gone into its production. I prefer the X3, though, where Ratner managed to throw enough crap at the screen to make Brian Singer seem like a delicate genius. Oh, and it has Kelsey Grammer playing a character that amounts to Frasier in a furry blue suit. Not to be missed.
To be fair, there are a number of things I should be doing that are not watching comic book movies on FX. But I'm pretty sure my brain is broken. It happened at work today; I was thinking about an expert report and I'm pretty sure something just snapped. I ended up leaving at six and going to Taco Bell. And I'm fairly certain bed is in my not-too-distant future even though it is all of 8 PM. Seriously, I'm losing my mind. I'm just going to have to start falling back on my good looks from now on.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Under Seige
It's Air & Water Show weekend, so all week long I've been subjected to intermittent dive bombings of my home and workplace. At first I was constantly seized with the urge to curl into the fetal position under my desk, but now I've rather gotten used to it. Plus we have the advantage of having all the tourists gathered in one place, so I don't have to worry about them blocking up the aisles souvenir shopping at Walgreen's. I am very serious about my home and pharmaceutical shopping.
Tomorrow I'm going to an Air & Water Show party, which should be fun. It's always nice to have others around you craning their necks to stare up at planes. It makes the conversation go so much more smoothly.
Other than that, this weekend is the weekend when the deck project moves forward. I have sanded and cleaned, and now I just have to wait for it to dry so I can refinish. I feel very rugged and manly right now. Also dirty. Perhaps the two are linked.
It's Air & Water Show weekend, so all week long I've been subjected to intermittent dive bombings of my home and workplace. At first I was constantly seized with the urge to curl into the fetal position under my desk, but now I've rather gotten used to it. Plus we have the advantage of having all the tourists gathered in one place, so I don't have to worry about them blocking up the aisles souvenir shopping at Walgreen's. I am very serious about my home and pharmaceutical shopping.
Tomorrow I'm going to an Air & Water Show party, which should be fun. It's always nice to have others around you craning their necks to stare up at planes. It makes the conversation go so much more smoothly.
Other than that, this weekend is the weekend when the deck project moves forward. I have sanded and cleaned, and now I just have to wait for it to dry so I can refinish. I feel very rugged and manly right now. Also dirty. Perhaps the two are linked.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
On the Aisle
In all the excitement of my big star gaze this weekend I guess I forgot to mention that I saw Julie & Julia. It was pretty neat. I have to admit that I have a hard time with the whole concept of bloggers becoming famous (although if they ever make a movie of this I want Tyne Daly to play me), but Amy Adams made the Julie character about as palatable (har har) as she could possibly be. The plot of her segment of the movie seems pretty much to be that having a job is a drag and it's much more fun to make awesome dinners and obsess about it. That was also the plot of Persona, as I recall. But anyway, the Meryl portion of the movie is really almost delightful enough to make one forgive her for warbling Waterloo last summer. I'm not old enough to really remember Julia Child (though I am old enough to remember Julia Sugarbaker, which almost makes up for it), but it seemed to me that she got the voice and mannerisms pretty much exactly down. Plus it's really nice to see all the recreations of Paris in the 1940s and 50s, back when it was a film set for Gene Kelly movies as opposed to G.I. Joe.
Everyone said this movie would make me hungry, but it didn't, really. Now a movie about Chili's? That would make me hungry.
In all the excitement of my big star gaze this weekend I guess I forgot to mention that I saw Julie & Julia. It was pretty neat. I have to admit that I have a hard time with the whole concept of bloggers becoming famous (although if they ever make a movie of this I want Tyne Daly to play me), but Amy Adams made the Julie character about as palatable (har har) as she could possibly be. The plot of her segment of the movie seems pretty much to be that having a job is a drag and it's much more fun to make awesome dinners and obsess about it. That was also the plot of Persona, as I recall. But anyway, the Meryl portion of the movie is really almost delightful enough to make one forgive her for warbling Waterloo last summer. I'm not old enough to really remember Julia Child (though I am old enough to remember Julia Sugarbaker, which almost makes up for it), but it seemed to me that she got the voice and mannerisms pretty much exactly down. Plus it's really nice to see all the recreations of Paris in the 1940s and 50s, back when it was a film set for Gene Kelly movies as opposed to G.I. Joe.
Everyone said this movie would make me hungry, but it didn't, really. Now a movie about Chili's? That would make me hungry.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Brush With Greatness
I can't believe I almost forgot to mention my pseudocelebrity sighting.
Saturday night I was transferring from the brown line to the red line at the Belmont when who should I spy but Top Model Cycle 9 Heather. I know it was her because she was a "gawky beauty," as Tyra once described her in a voiceover, and because I know from Top Models in Action that she is now studying video game design in Chicago (and modelling, of course, because all ANTM alums are successful models). She really did look a lot like she did on the show, too, although she had a few more flyaways than after her Top Model makeover. I think it must have been a long day.
Anyway, what could I do besides try to duck into the same train car as her and observe her? (I want to make clear that this was just science, not stalking -- the difference is the use of deductive reasoning.) I only had one stop in which to gather evidence, but I noted that 1) she had a band aid on her leg and 2) she seemed to be concerned that people were staring at her.
I plan to publish my conclusions as soon as I locate a suitable journal for such greatness.
I can't believe I almost forgot to mention my pseudocelebrity sighting.
Saturday night I was transferring from the brown line to the red line at the Belmont when who should I spy but Top Model Cycle 9 Heather. I know it was her because she was a "gawky beauty," as Tyra once described her in a voiceover, and because I know from Top Models in Action that she is now studying video game design in Chicago (and modelling, of course, because all ANTM alums are successful models). She really did look a lot like she did on the show, too, although she had a few more flyaways than after her Top Model makeover. I think it must have been a long day.
Anyway, what could I do besides try to duck into the same train car as her and observe her? (I want to make clear that this was just science, not stalking -- the difference is the use of deductive reasoning.) I only had one stop in which to gather evidence, but I noted that 1) she had a band aid on her leg and 2) she seemed to be concerned that people were staring at her.
I plan to publish my conclusions as soon as I locate a suitable journal for such greatness.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Hot Town, Summer In the City
So it's like 98 degrees in Chicago today. I'm not complaining, because for months I have been lobbying for some actual summer-like weather. So even if it seems like I'm complaining, rest assured that that is not in fact what I am doing. It's more like I'm celebrating the hot weather by discussing the way it sucks and I hate it. Keep that in mind.
Today we were going to refinish the back deck, but we were thwarted by the heat. The can of finish says right on it that you're not supposed to use it on days that are over 90 degrees. Or any time there might be rain within 72 hours. I'm not making that up. My can of finish has more performance prerequisites than Mariah Carey. It is also locked in a bitter feud with Eminem, from what I understand.
There was some awesome sassiness to be had from the Home Depot employees, that's for sure. They did not enjoy my questions about different finishes one bit. Their responses sounded like the opening lines of one of Faulkner's lesser novels. Plus they had a lot of opinions about the way people should stand in line to check out. I have drawn many helpful lessons from their many teaching points.
It is so hot that I just want to lie in my house with the air conditioning cranked up so high I have to snuggle under a blanket. I understand that this makes me symptomatic of everything that's wrong with America today.
So it's like 98 degrees in Chicago today. I'm not complaining, because for months I have been lobbying for some actual summer-like weather. So even if it seems like I'm complaining, rest assured that that is not in fact what I am doing. It's more like I'm celebrating the hot weather by discussing the way it sucks and I hate it. Keep that in mind.
Today we were going to refinish the back deck, but we were thwarted by the heat. The can of finish says right on it that you're not supposed to use it on days that are over 90 degrees. Or any time there might be rain within 72 hours. I'm not making that up. My can of finish has more performance prerequisites than Mariah Carey. It is also locked in a bitter feud with Eminem, from what I understand.
There was some awesome sassiness to be had from the Home Depot employees, that's for sure. They did not enjoy my questions about different finishes one bit. Their responses sounded like the opening lines of one of Faulkner's lesser novels. Plus they had a lot of opinions about the way people should stand in line to check out. I have drawn many helpful lessons from their many teaching points.
It is so hot that I just want to lie in my house with the air conditioning cranked up so high I have to snuggle under a blanket. I understand that this makes me symptomatic of everything that's wrong with America today.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
An Actual Conversation I Had This Morning
Lady I Work With: What did you do to yourself?
Me: What?
LIWW: Your leg. What did you do to it?
Me: Uh, I don't know? Did I do something to it?
LIWW: I thought you were limping. Weren't you limping?
Me: I don't think so. Was I?
LIWW: I thought so.
(awkward pause)
Me: Maybe I'm off balance because of my bag?
LIWW: Yeah, maybe.
(awkward pause)
LIWW: I really thought you were limping.
Lady I Work With: What did you do to yourself?
Me: What?
LIWW: Your leg. What did you do to it?
Me: Uh, I don't know? Did I do something to it?
LIWW: I thought you were limping. Weren't you limping?
Me: I don't think so. Was I?
LIWW: I thought so.
(awkward pause)
Me: Maybe I'm off balance because of my bag?
LIWW: Yeah, maybe.
(awkward pause)
LIWW: I really thought you were limping.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Current Events
I think my front yard may be cursed. Well, again, it's more of a strip than a yard, because you couldn't fit more than three Oprahs in it, but regardless, it appears that nothing green can live there. We had I think three sets of sod meet their untimely demise there and now the ferns we planted are beginning to wilt. I tried some major plant doctoring this weekend, but we'll see. Maybe there's some ancient evil object buried there, like a VHS copy of Hook or Strom Thurmond.
My sister moved back in with me this weekend. This is great news, although it does mean I will never be productive again. Last night we did a careful textual analysis of a Taylor Swift video and tried to pause The Grudge 2 at the exact moment when Sarah Michelle Gellar's career died. Tonight we watched the Cubs game and played about six rounds of Dr. Mario. Of course, when I'm living alone I usually end up playing Facebook Scramble all night long or polishing off a bottle of red with a friend, so it's not like this is a big change accomplishment wise.
We also had a visit from the air conditioning man this morning. Unlike previous AC men, however, he did not see his job as involving an educational aspect. He spent his whole half hour here without a lecture or exhortation to speak of. And yet somehow the air is still running. That's some science that I can believe in.
I think my front yard may be cursed. Well, again, it's more of a strip than a yard, because you couldn't fit more than three Oprahs in it, but regardless, it appears that nothing green can live there. We had I think three sets of sod meet their untimely demise there and now the ferns we planted are beginning to wilt. I tried some major plant doctoring this weekend, but we'll see. Maybe there's some ancient evil object buried there, like a VHS copy of Hook or Strom Thurmond.
My sister moved back in with me this weekend. This is great news, although it does mean I will never be productive again. Last night we did a careful textual analysis of a Taylor Swift video and tried to pause The Grudge 2 at the exact moment when Sarah Michelle Gellar's career died. Tonight we watched the Cubs game and played about six rounds of Dr. Mario. Of course, when I'm living alone I usually end up playing Facebook Scramble all night long or polishing off a bottle of red with a friend, so it's not like this is a big change accomplishment wise.
We also had a visit from the air conditioning man this morning. Unlike previous AC men, however, he did not see his job as involving an educational aspect. He spent his whole half hour here without a lecture or exhortation to speak of. And yet somehow the air is still running. That's some science that I can believe in.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
The Bad Touch
I decided to go for a massage this morning. Now normally the idea of having a stranger grope me for an hour is none too enticing for me, but after many months of horrific business travel I am having tension in places I didn't even know existed, so I thought a little stress reliever might be in order. I picked a place with a boring enough website that I felt confident no one would try to offer me a happy ending, which for me would most certainly be just an awkward ending. While I did not suffer that particular embarrassment, there were others waiting for me.
I arrived promptly for my 10 AM massage at 9:15, hoping to have a steam and a shower before the festivities began. Unfortunately, I soon found that the spa did not in fact open until 10 AM, so I wandered the streets aimlessly for forty-five minutes. I thought about stopping in at the nearby lesbian bookstore to pass the time, but they were closed for inventory, a process that is probably less sexy than it sounds. When I finally got into the locker room, I really only had time to notice the toilet that had backed up into it before my session began.
My masseur was a man with a thick German accent who practiced what I can only guess were Gestapo techniques on my poor back. He also kept shout whispering for me to relax, which had exactly the opposite of the intended effect. And I almost smothered myself in the face pillow. All in all, not exactly the relaxation I had planned.
I decided to go for a massage this morning. Now normally the idea of having a stranger grope me for an hour is none too enticing for me, but after many months of horrific business travel I am having tension in places I didn't even know existed, so I thought a little stress reliever might be in order. I picked a place with a boring enough website that I felt confident no one would try to offer me a happy ending, which for me would most certainly be just an awkward ending. While I did not suffer that particular embarrassment, there were others waiting for me.
I arrived promptly for my 10 AM massage at 9:15, hoping to have a steam and a shower before the festivities began. Unfortunately, I soon found that the spa did not in fact open until 10 AM, so I wandered the streets aimlessly for forty-five minutes. I thought about stopping in at the nearby lesbian bookstore to pass the time, but they were closed for inventory, a process that is probably less sexy than it sounds. When I finally got into the locker room, I really only had time to notice the toilet that had backed up into it before my session began.
My masseur was a man with a thick German accent who practiced what I can only guess were Gestapo techniques on my poor back. He also kept shout whispering for me to relax, which had exactly the opposite of the intended effect. And I almost smothered myself in the face pillow. All in all, not exactly the relaxation I had planned.
