Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Oral History
I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of sitting through several hours of someone reading their edits to your work out loud to you, but it is frankly not to be missed. The missing commas, the extra spaces, the caught typos -- it's got all the action and adventure of a late '70s Woody Allen movie. And above all things, it is helpful, because of course I cannot read. And even if I could, I wouldn't be able to recreate all the condescending intonations in my head. It is all I can do to keep myself from grabbing the paper, shredding it to pieces, and shouting "thanks for getting me hooked on phonics, buddy!"
Or maybe it's just the time of year that makes me cranky. Without sunlight I go a little berserk. I pretty much feel like getting into bed at 6 PM every day. Or setting up a little blanket in the corner of my office and having a noon nap. If it weren't for the wonders of the internet, I would surely go mad.
I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of sitting through several hours of someone reading their edits to your work out loud to you, but it is frankly not to be missed. The missing commas, the extra spaces, the caught typos -- it's got all the action and adventure of a late '70s Woody Allen movie. And above all things, it is helpful, because of course I cannot read. And even if I could, I wouldn't be able to recreate all the condescending intonations in my head. It is all I can do to keep myself from grabbing the paper, shredding it to pieces, and shouting "thanks for getting me hooked on phonics, buddy!"
Or maybe it's just the time of year that makes me cranky. Without sunlight I go a little berserk. I pretty much feel like getting into bed at 6 PM every day. Or setting up a little blanket in the corner of my office and having a noon nap. If it weren't for the wonders of the internet, I would surely go mad.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Super
No trip to Quincy is complete without a visit to the Super Wal-Mart. Much like Sarah Palin, it is beautiful and terrifying. It has its own optical center, bank, portrait studio, Subway, and possibly even its own zip code. I'm pretty sure the distance between the pharmacy and the bakery is measured in city blocks rather than yards. I believe there are more options for microwave dinners in this one store than there are in the entire city of Chicago. It is like a trans fat and casual wear paradise.
And then there are the encounters. Oh, the encounters. If you want to see your former Spanish teacher -- the one refused to let you use the bathroom even after you threw up in his class -- you are in luck. The girl from the pom squad who used to pee herself even in high school? No problem. And your date to the sixth grade dance, who dumped you for the captain of the mathletes? She is probably working the checkout. Plus, they will all recognize you and have lots to fill you in on. Best friends have to catch up, don't they?
So the bottom line is that I got the Diet Coke we needed, but now I feel as though I need to enter the witness protection program.
No trip to Quincy is complete without a visit to the Super Wal-Mart. Much like Sarah Palin, it is beautiful and terrifying. It has its own optical center, bank, portrait studio, Subway, and possibly even its own zip code. I'm pretty sure the distance between the pharmacy and the bakery is measured in city blocks rather than yards. I believe there are more options for microwave dinners in this one store than there are in the entire city of Chicago. It is like a trans fat and casual wear paradise.
And then there are the encounters. Oh, the encounters. If you want to see your former Spanish teacher -- the one refused to let you use the bathroom even after you threw up in his class -- you are in luck. The girl from the pom squad who used to pee herself even in high school? No problem. And your date to the sixth grade dance, who dumped you for the captain of the mathletes? She is probably working the checkout. Plus, they will all recognize you and have lots to fill you in on. Best friends have to catch up, don't they?
So the bottom line is that I got the Diet Coke we needed, but now I feel as though I need to enter the witness protection program.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Giving Thanks
To set the stage, let me just open with the fact that I played a game of Dizzy, Dizzy Dinosaur with my parents last night. Actually, the dinosaur is not very dizzy any more after a couple of decades in a box; it just sort of ambles slowly off the playing board. But regardless, the game was played. It ended better than most, with accusations of cheating and unfairness, but no actual throwing of game pieces this time around.
We also took my grandmother out to the Thanksgiving buffet at the Holiday Inn. It was sort of amazing in that they for some strange reason had potato skins and cheese and crackers among their selections. There were also like six kinds of dessert, of which I only had one, thank you very much. Our afternoon was marred somewhat by the selection of the wrong hearing aid battery and the substitution of Pepsi for Coke, but these things are to be expected, I think.
My parents also forced us to watch episodes of Sherlock. It seems like it's all right, but they still tape the episodes on VHS and the VCR doesn't work very well, so there's lots of arguing over how to get it cued up right. And then it turned out they only had half of the first episode, although fortunately it was the second half. I'm not a huge fan of cliffhangers.
To set the stage, let me just open with the fact that I played a game of Dizzy, Dizzy Dinosaur with my parents last night. Actually, the dinosaur is not very dizzy any more after a couple of decades in a box; it just sort of ambles slowly off the playing board. But regardless, the game was played. It ended better than most, with accusations of cheating and unfairness, but no actual throwing of game pieces this time around.
We also took my grandmother out to the Thanksgiving buffet at the Holiday Inn. It was sort of amazing in that they for some strange reason had potato skins and cheese and crackers among their selections. There were also like six kinds of dessert, of which I only had one, thank you very much. Our afternoon was marred somewhat by the selection of the wrong hearing aid battery and the substitution of Pepsi for Coke, but these things are to be expected, I think.
My parents also forced us to watch episodes of Sherlock. It seems like it's all right, but they still tape the episodes on VHS and the VCR doesn't work very well, so there's lots of arguing over how to get it cued up right. And then it turned out they only had half of the first episode, although fortunately it was the second half. I'm not a huge fan of cliffhangers.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
What Are We Thankful for This Year?
-- Acquittal on manslaughter charges.
-- Having finally caught up with the Kardashians.
-- Amanda Bynes' unretirement.
-- Promotion to night manager at Dress Barn.
-- The KFC Doubledown and the fine cardiac specialists at Illinois Masonic.
-- Anderson Cooper's righteous indignation.
-- Gift subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.
-- All day Law & Order marathon.
-- Pictures of Brett Farve's penis.
-- Oksana Grigorieva's singing career.
-- Insightful life coaching from various cab drivers.
-- Increasingly broad definitions of casual Friday.
-- Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon having taught us all how to love.
-- Acquittal on manslaughter charges.
-- Having finally caught up with the Kardashians.
-- Amanda Bynes' unretirement.
-- Promotion to night manager at Dress Barn.
-- The KFC Doubledown and the fine cardiac specialists at Illinois Masonic.
-- Anderson Cooper's righteous indignation.
-- Gift subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.
-- All day Law & Order marathon.
-- Pictures of Brett Farve's penis.
-- Oksana Grigorieva's singing career.
-- Insightful life coaching from various cab drivers.
-- Increasingly broad definitions of casual Friday.
-- Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon having taught us all how to love.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wet, Cold
So I've discovered that my new(ish) office building makes all kinds of fun noises when it is rainy or windy. And while I'm fairly sure I'm not going to end up lying in a pile of twisted metal on the six o clock news, it can be rather distracting. Actually, a few months ago we were straight up ordered to evacuate our offices and go stand in the center of the building in case the windows blew out. I can't even tell you the amount of pride I feel in American workmanship right now.
It has been a rather dismal weather week around here. I started my week by having a couple of gallons of rainwater dumped down the collar of my shirt while entering the train through a waterfall. Then we had a tornado warning, which seemed to consist mainly of more rain, and a forty-degree drop in temperature overnight. I had turned off my heat in a burst of irrational exuberance, so I was essentially awakened yesterday by the death throes of hypothermia. On the plus side, it turns out death throes are pretty great exercise.
So I've discovered that my new(ish) office building makes all kinds of fun noises when it is rainy or windy. And while I'm fairly sure I'm not going to end up lying in a pile of twisted metal on the six o clock news, it can be rather distracting. Actually, a few months ago we were straight up ordered to evacuate our offices and go stand in the center of the building in case the windows blew out. I can't even tell you the amount of pride I feel in American workmanship right now.
It has been a rather dismal weather week around here. I started my week by having a couple of gallons of rainwater dumped down the collar of my shirt while entering the train through a waterfall. Then we had a tornado warning, which seemed to consist mainly of more rain, and a forty-degree drop in temperature overnight. I had turned off my heat in a burst of irrational exuberance, so I was essentially awakened yesterday by the death throes of hypothermia. On the plus side, it turns out death throes are pretty great exercise.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Top Chef
I have been cooking this weekend! Well, assisting with cooking. So my role was largely chopping things and watching them to make sure they didn't burn in the oven. But it was fun! It turns out I am kind of handy with a knife and I did not lose any favored appendages. Indeed I was justly praised for the small size and uniform shape of my choppings. Nor did anything burn, although the smoke alarm did go off several times. That led to another job for me -- standing under the alarm and waving a towel to move the invisible smoke away and make the alarm stop going off.
Along with cooking there was also eating. This, I fear, was less successful. I have recently reached a lifetime high weight and am not especially thrilled about it. My clothes for the most part seem to still fit the same way, but I did pop a button off of some pants the other day, which hardly seems like a coincidence. And since I can't really expand my workouts without sacrificing key time I spend working and sleeping, I'm trying to reduce/improve the eating a bit. Well, within the framework of having eaten Chipotle the other day. Maybe I should just concentrate on trying to have a pretty face.
I have been cooking this weekend! Well, assisting with cooking. So my role was largely chopping things and watching them to make sure they didn't burn in the oven. But it was fun! It turns out I am kind of handy with a knife and I did not lose any favored appendages. Indeed I was justly praised for the small size and uniform shape of my choppings. Nor did anything burn, although the smoke alarm did go off several times. That led to another job for me -- standing under the alarm and waving a towel to move the invisible smoke away and make the alarm stop going off.
Along with cooking there was also eating. This, I fear, was less successful. I have recently reached a lifetime high weight and am not especially thrilled about it. My clothes for the most part seem to still fit the same way, but I did pop a button off of some pants the other day, which hardly seems like a coincidence. And since I can't really expand my workouts without sacrificing key time I spend working and sleeping, I'm trying to reduce/improve the eating a bit. Well, within the framework of having eaten Chipotle the other day. Maybe I should just concentrate on trying to have a pretty face.
Friday, November 19, 2010
The End
My sister and I watched 2012 last night. The whole theory was that it would be campy and amusing. Funny how theories like that frequently fail to pan out. Man, how could they make buildings falling over and things exploding so boring? Probably by injecting healthy doses of Amanda Peet. (I mean, if they wanted to make a disaster movie, couldn't they just film her career trajectory?) There was a lot, lot, lot of exposition, and all sorts of touches designed to humanize the characters so you would feel bad when they got, say, crushed in some giant gears. We ended up watching long stretches on fast forward. Suffice it to say that if I wanted to see Thandie Newton give impassioned speeches, I would... oh wait, that would never happen.
Anyway, I learned a lot from the movie, such as that it is possible to drive faster than an earthquake and fly faster than a volcanic eruption. Take that, mother nature. I also learned that the Chinese have the capacity to build giant secret boats inside a mountain (much like a Bond villain) and that facing near annihilation is a good way to rekindle a relationship. Oh, and that crises tend to bring out a remarkable degree of racial and cultural diversity. Which is good, because I for one think it is high time to have an Apocalypse that looks like America.
My sister and I watched 2012 last night. The whole theory was that it would be campy and amusing. Funny how theories like that frequently fail to pan out. Man, how could they make buildings falling over and things exploding so boring? Probably by injecting healthy doses of Amanda Peet. (I mean, if they wanted to make a disaster movie, couldn't they just film her career trajectory?) There was a lot, lot, lot of exposition, and all sorts of touches designed to humanize the characters so you would feel bad when they got, say, crushed in some giant gears. We ended up watching long stretches on fast forward. Suffice it to say that if I wanted to see Thandie Newton give impassioned speeches, I would... oh wait, that would never happen.
Anyway, I learned a lot from the movie, such as that it is possible to drive faster than an earthquake and fly faster than a volcanic eruption. Take that, mother nature. I also learned that the Chinese have the capacity to build giant secret boats inside a mountain (much like a Bond villain) and that facing near annihilation is a good way to rekindle a relationship. Oh, and that crises tend to bring out a remarkable degree of racial and cultural diversity. Which is good, because I for one think it is high time to have an Apocalypse that looks like America.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Taxing
Have I mentioned my epic tax battle? I have spent the past six months attempting to explain basic tax law to the IRS. Or, rather, my accountant/lawyer has spent the past six months attempting to explain it to both me and the IRS. Apparently, there is a certain minuscule portion of the American public that gets audited completely at random. Apparently, I am lucky enough to be part of that minuscule portion. And apparently, they assign brand new agents with no experience with tax or law to handle those cases. Or so they tell me. Again, I've hired a guy to deal with this. Because spending six hours down at the federal building going through my receipts on a Thursday in July is not my idea of a good time. But then again, watching old episodes of What I Like About You on Teen Nick is my idea of a good time, so my judgment may not be unimpeachable.
Anyway, it appears that my tax adventures may be coming to a close soon. My accountant/lawyer has reached an accord with Big Brother and I will be cutting a small check to him as opposed to a large one to the feds. I haven't checked all of the fine print yet, though. It wouldn't surprise me if I were required to perform manual labor or go through an elaborate public shaming ritual. Which is fine, because my whole life is essentially an elaborate public shaming ritual. Such very good times.
Have I mentioned my epic tax battle? I have spent the past six months attempting to explain basic tax law to the IRS. Or, rather, my accountant/lawyer has spent the past six months attempting to explain it to both me and the IRS. Apparently, there is a certain minuscule portion of the American public that gets audited completely at random. Apparently, I am lucky enough to be part of that minuscule portion. And apparently, they assign brand new agents with no experience with tax or law to handle those cases. Or so they tell me. Again, I've hired a guy to deal with this. Because spending six hours down at the federal building going through my receipts on a Thursday in July is not my idea of a good time. But then again, watching old episodes of What I Like About You on Teen Nick is my idea of a good time, so my judgment may not be unimpeachable.
Anyway, it appears that my tax adventures may be coming to a close soon. My accountant/lawyer has reached an accord with Big Brother and I will be cutting a small check to him as opposed to a large one to the feds. I haven't checked all of the fine print yet, though. It wouldn't surprise me if I were required to perform manual labor or go through an elaborate public shaming ritual. Which is fine, because my whole life is essentially an elaborate public shaming ritual. Such very good times.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Young & Old
I saw "Sweet Bird of Youth" performed here in Chicago the other night. It was pretty good. I have to admit that I'm not the biggest fan of Tennessee Williams for a variety of not especially great reasons. First, my mother took me to see our neighbor in Glass Menagerie when I was like seven and I thereafter became terrified that this woman was going to come over to our house and scream at us about gentlemen callers. Second, I took an acting class once where everyone had to perform Tennessee Williams monologues, and the interpretations presented by bored housewives and semiliterate teenagers are difficult to forget. Finally, I guess I'm just not a huge lover of disfunction. I mean, sure, I love it in life, but in art? The love triangles on Hellcats are even too intense for me.
Anyway, I enjoyed the production. The two leads were both good and played well off of each other. The rest of the cast was a bit uneven, but I think it's probably hard to figure out what to do when you're essentially playing Southern Grotesque Four.
The weekend has also been pretty good. I went out with some work people on Friday, which I haven't done in many many months. It was fairly enjoyable, if somewhat unlikely to convince me to repeat the process sooner than in many many months. Yesterday I got a massage, which was actually relaxing once I got past the fear that someone was going to try to touch my weiner, and went to visit some friends in the suburbs. Alas, there was no Olive Garden, but I suppose I have to save something for future visits. All of this excitement is giving me vapors.
I saw "Sweet Bird of Youth" performed here in Chicago the other night. It was pretty good. I have to admit that I'm not the biggest fan of Tennessee Williams for a variety of not especially great reasons. First, my mother took me to see our neighbor in Glass Menagerie when I was like seven and I thereafter became terrified that this woman was going to come over to our house and scream at us about gentlemen callers. Second, I took an acting class once where everyone had to perform Tennessee Williams monologues, and the interpretations presented by bored housewives and semiliterate teenagers are difficult to forget. Finally, I guess I'm just not a huge lover of disfunction. I mean, sure, I love it in life, but in art? The love triangles on Hellcats are even too intense for me.
Anyway, I enjoyed the production. The two leads were both good and played well off of each other. The rest of the cast was a bit uneven, but I think it's probably hard to figure out what to do when you're essentially playing Southern Grotesque Four.
The weekend has also been pretty good. I went out with some work people on Friday, which I haven't done in many many months. It was fairly enjoyable, if somewhat unlikely to convince me to repeat the process sooner than in many many months. Yesterday I got a massage, which was actually relaxing once I got past the fear that someone was going to try to touch my weiner, and went to visit some friends in the suburbs. Alas, there was no Olive Garden, but I suppose I have to save something for future visits. All of this excitement is giving me vapors.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Party Time
I just got Wii Party today. Well, UPS "delivered" it on Monday, I found their hiding place yesterday, and I finally played it tonight. It's sort of like ADD in a box. There are neon and flashing lights everywhere. There is a "host" for the games that looks like an egg with a top hat and seems to speak in tongues. And there are literally hundreds of mini games. I could play for days on end, never stopping, never showering, and still not have played everything. I really think by the time I'm done here my mii may end up in intensive care.
Some of the games are hilariously weird. There's one where you're supposed to rock a baby in time to its heartbeat by moving your controller back and forth. There's one where people throw logs at you and you're supposed to chop them with your arms and legs by moving the controller. There's one where the controllers make animal noises. And there are rules, such convoluted rules. You have to play the mini games to determine the size of the miis you then have to try to balance on the masts of a ship. Or there's another mode where the loss of a mini game causes you to move back a space on a giant game board and lose a virtual heart. If you lose three hearts, the game is over! But if you win five mini games, you get on a spaceship and fly off, which I presume is the equivalent of winning the whole thing. I wasn't quite clear on what the egg guy had to say about that.
I just got Wii Party today. Well, UPS "delivered" it on Monday, I found their hiding place yesterday, and I finally played it tonight. It's sort of like ADD in a box. There are neon and flashing lights everywhere. There is a "host" for the games that looks like an egg with a top hat and seems to speak in tongues. And there are literally hundreds of mini games. I could play for days on end, never stopping, never showering, and still not have played everything. I really think by the time I'm done here my mii may end up in intensive care.
Some of the games are hilariously weird. There's one where you're supposed to rock a baby in time to its heartbeat by moving your controller back and forth. There's one where people throw logs at you and you're supposed to chop them with your arms and legs by moving the controller. There's one where the controllers make animal noises. And there are rules, such convoluted rules. You have to play the mini games to determine the size of the miis you then have to try to balance on the masts of a ship. Or there's another mode where the loss of a mini game causes you to move back a space on a giant game board and lose a virtual heart. If you lose three hearts, the game is over! But if you win five mini games, you get on a spaceship and fly off, which I presume is the equivalent of winning the whole thing. I wasn't quite clear on what the egg guy had to say about that.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Movie Night
Tonight I watched "The Third Man" on Netflix for Wii. It may sound like a gay porn from the title, but it's actually an Orson Welles classic from 1949. Unfortunately, "classic" in this case meant that the picture was really dark and a lot of the dialogue was in German without subtitles, so I ended up reading a lot of the plot on imdb after I was done watching it. The message board really helped a lot, too, what with threads like "She was kind of a bitch, wasn't she?" and "What was the boy saying in German?" This was frankly my best use of the Wii since I made pro in Power Cruising, which is also not a gay porn.
I guess I've been on kind of a movie kick lately, because I watched "Postcards from the Edge" on Saturday. The picture was a bit clearer there, or at least as clear as anything from 1990 can be. (There were some horrible pants as a result, of course.) I really enjoyed it a good deal, I have to say. I'm a sucker for the Streep and even the Hackman, except for those horrible Lowe's voiceovers he does. There was even a smallish dose of Annette Bening before she started sort of vaguely looking like everyone's mom. Oh, and drug addiction is of course hilarious, as evidenced by Lindsay Lohan. We are blessed to have such wonderful celebrities in our lives.
Tonight I watched "The Third Man" on Netflix for Wii. It may sound like a gay porn from the title, but it's actually an Orson Welles classic from 1949. Unfortunately, "classic" in this case meant that the picture was really dark and a lot of the dialogue was in German without subtitles, so I ended up reading a lot of the plot on imdb after I was done watching it. The message board really helped a lot, too, what with threads like "She was kind of a bitch, wasn't she?" and "What was the boy saying in German?" This was frankly my best use of the Wii since I made pro in Power Cruising, which is also not a gay porn.
I guess I've been on kind of a movie kick lately, because I watched "Postcards from the Edge" on Saturday. The picture was a bit clearer there, or at least as clear as anything from 1990 can be. (There were some horrible pants as a result, of course.) I really enjoyed it a good deal, I have to say. I'm a sucker for the Streep and even the Hackman, except for those horrible Lowe's voiceovers he does. There was even a smallish dose of Annette Bening before she started sort of vaguely looking like everyone's mom. Oh, and drug addiction is of course hilarious, as evidenced by Lindsay Lohan. We are blessed to have such wonderful celebrities in our lives.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Shore Leave
Well, we said goodbye to Jersey Shore last night, a few weeks after the rest of the world did. Given our busy and glamorous lives, it's just not always possible for us to keep up with The Situation and company the way that we'd like to. But we made up for our tardiness with some extra dedication, dressing up in graphic tees and giant hoop earrings (for the ladies) and brewing up a tub of Ron Ron Juice. For the uninitiated, Ron Ron Juice is a concoction of watermelon juice, cranberry juice, vodka, and cherries that sort of tastes like feet. But it has its intended effect, and as a result we had rather a marvelous time.
The question for us now is what to watch as our new ridiculous television program. We are still not fully able to stomach Teen Mom, primarily out of a deep conviction that slutty teenagers should not be given covers of Us Weekly (unless they are Miley Cyrus, that is). That new Bret Michaels show looks like it gets just a little bit too real; call me crazy, but I far prefer tramps on a bus to public service announcements about diabetes. And the new Lauren Conrad show remains just a lovely dream. So we're thinking about Hellcats, a snappy little program about competitive college cheerleaders, who seem to cheer far less often than they have complicated romances and deliver snappy one-liners. Watching television is hard work, yo.
Well, we said goodbye to Jersey Shore last night, a few weeks after the rest of the world did. Given our busy and glamorous lives, it's just not always possible for us to keep up with The Situation and company the way that we'd like to. But we made up for our tardiness with some extra dedication, dressing up in graphic tees and giant hoop earrings (for the ladies) and brewing up a tub of Ron Ron Juice. For the uninitiated, Ron Ron Juice is a concoction of watermelon juice, cranberry juice, vodka, and cherries that sort of tastes like feet. But it has its intended effect, and as a result we had rather a marvelous time.
The question for us now is what to watch as our new ridiculous television program. We are still not fully able to stomach Teen Mom, primarily out of a deep conviction that slutty teenagers should not be given covers of Us Weekly (unless they are Miley Cyrus, that is). That new Bret Michaels show looks like it gets just a little bit too real; call me crazy, but I far prefer tramps on a bus to public service announcements about diabetes. And the new Lauren Conrad show remains just a lovely dream. So we're thinking about Hellcats, a snappy little program about competitive college cheerleaders, who seem to cheer far less often than they have complicated romances and deliver snappy one-liners. Watching television is hard work, yo.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Internet Connections
Have you ever seen those spam posts on internet message boards that are designed to get people to go to skeezy dating websites? I sort of love them. They show up on Entertainment Weekly's website all the time, because apparently they don't have any money left for webmasters after spending mad bank on Diablo Cody's short-lived column. I just found this one this evening, on an article about T.I.'s new album, no less:
oh amazing , i love this!
I am a lawyer 32 years old, mature and beautiful, and single at present. and now I am seeking a young man who can love me back. it is the first and best club for Cougars and Young Men.
So i uploaded my sexy photos there under the name of irishcutie23 at Cougarmony.com.
Please Check it out! I’m serious.
First, I love the fact that they bother to open with a pretend comment on the article, as though people are actually going to think there's some crazy cougar lawyer running around leaving sexy comments on entertainment websites. Second, I love the fact that they don't then bother to capitalize or punctuate normally; as a 32-year-old lawyer myself, I can tell you this does not represent us. I'm pretty sure that they even misspelled the website name, although I haven't actually checked out the real website for fear that my computer will get chlamydia. Finally, I love the desperate plea at the end to Check it out! Because neediness is definitely what attracts, believe me.
Here's another one:
Sadly. My boyfriend left me a year ago. Now. I may be in need of someone to love... I am young and beautiful, but alone. My friends told me about the site CougarChats.com and i got curious about it. they met their boyfriends there. It’s the best place to meet a older or a younger boyfriend. i cant risk myself. So i got a username sara lady there in order to find a new boyfriend. is it wrong?
Okay, so as a user name, sara lady is way worse than irishcutie23. But I have to get the edge on the site name to CougarChats.com, and not just because it is correctly spelled. And who doesn't want a girl who declares she is "young and beautiful, but alone?" Modesty is hott. But since she asked: yes, it is terribly, terribly wrong.
Have you ever seen those spam posts on internet message boards that are designed to get people to go to skeezy dating websites? I sort of love them. They show up on Entertainment Weekly's website all the time, because apparently they don't have any money left for webmasters after spending mad bank on Diablo Cody's short-lived column. I just found this one this evening, on an article about T.I.'s new album, no less:
oh amazing , i love this!
I am a lawyer 32 years old, mature and beautiful, and single at present. and now I am seeking a young man who can love me back. it is the first and best club for Cougars and Young Men.
So i uploaded my sexy photos there under the name of irishcutie23 at Cougarmony.com.
Please Check it out! I’m serious.
First, I love the fact that they bother to open with a pretend comment on the article, as though people are actually going to think there's some crazy cougar lawyer running around leaving sexy comments on entertainment websites. Second, I love the fact that they don't then bother to capitalize or punctuate normally; as a 32-year-old lawyer myself, I can tell you this does not represent us. I'm pretty sure that they even misspelled the website name, although I haven't actually checked out the real website for fear that my computer will get chlamydia. Finally, I love the desperate plea at the end to Check it out! Because neediness is definitely what attracts, believe me.
Here's another one:
Sadly. My boyfriend left me a year ago. Now. I may be in need of someone to love... I am young and beautiful, but alone. My friends told me about the site CougarChats.com and i got curious about it. they met their boyfriends there. It’s the best place to meet a older or a younger boyfriend. i cant risk myself. So i got a username sara lady there in order to find a new boyfriend. is it wrong?
Okay, so as a user name, sara lady is way worse than irishcutie23. But I have to get the edge on the site name to CougarChats.com, and not just because it is correctly spelled. And who doesn't want a girl who declares she is "young and beautiful, but alone?" Modesty is hott. But since she asked: yes, it is terribly, terribly wrong.
Monday, November 01, 2010
Good Times
So I had a pretty decent weekend. On Friday I went to a friend's birthday party, which involved the ingestion of totchoes and the discovery of an Enrique video featuring the cast of The Jersey Shore. It also involved me sneaking out at 11:30 after making the dubious claim that I was just going to pee. I love a great escape.
Saturday we went down to the Chicago edition of the Rally to Restore Sanity, which turned out to have not that much to do with the national edition, but was still a good time until people started getting rambunctious about a comedian doing an extended sequence of abortion jokes and a security guard grabbed the mic and announced that "y'all are bein' fuckin' rude." So we left and went to Old Navy, where I bought a sanity-restoring comfy sweatshirt.
Yesterday, then, I bought a bunch of candy on the off chance there would be trick or treaters, which I then had no choice but to eat when there were none. I also watched a few episodes of Celebrity Ghost Stories, which it turns out involves neither actual celebrities nor anything approaching a genuine ghost story. Mainly it's just Haylie Duff talking about how she was totally going to get some movie role until the producer unexpectedly died. Because obviously the explanation for that career tanking has to be supernatural.
So I had a pretty decent weekend. On Friday I went to a friend's birthday party, which involved the ingestion of totchoes and the discovery of an Enrique video featuring the cast of The Jersey Shore. It also involved me sneaking out at 11:30 after making the dubious claim that I was just going to pee. I love a great escape.
Saturday we went down to the Chicago edition of the Rally to Restore Sanity, which turned out to have not that much to do with the national edition, but was still a good time until people started getting rambunctious about a comedian doing an extended sequence of abortion jokes and a security guard grabbed the mic and announced that "y'all are bein' fuckin' rude." So we left and went to Old Navy, where I bought a sanity-restoring comfy sweatshirt.
Yesterday, then, I bought a bunch of candy on the off chance there would be trick or treaters, which I then had no choice but to eat when there were none. I also watched a few episodes of Celebrity Ghost Stories, which it turns out involves neither actual celebrities nor anything approaching a genuine ghost story. Mainly it's just Haylie Duff talking about how she was totally going to get some movie role until the producer unexpectedly died. Because obviously the explanation for that career tanking has to be supernatural.
